Thank you Teresa!
This is just what y'all been waiting for. A weekend retreat for adoptive moms to gather for friendship, support, relaxation and fun!
Friday May 27, 2011 - Sunday May 29, 2011 at Silver Star Mountain in Vernon.
Cost includes accomodation and meals - $ 100 - $120 (see registration form for more info)
Check it out at www.momsawayretreat.blogspot.com
or call Teresa at 250-545-2653
Welcome to the AFABC Interior Region Blog. Check back here often for resources, events, and discussions on contemporary adoption issues.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Keep calm and carry on...
Another one of those little ditties that at times seems appropriate, and at other times seems insulting and simplistic.
Today I vote for somewhere in-between. Finally after almost of month of daily crisis, I hit the wall. Crashed and burned. Yada, yada, yada. I knew it was coming because that's how all crisis es (sp. ??)end with me. And I was actually waiting for it to happen so I could move on and carry on.
Should I be locked away somewhere? No, I don't turn into the Wolfman or anything, so no need for incarceration. At least, not yet.
This crisis is/was one that I felt would happen, and unfortunately once again, my prediction came true. I wish I could predict the winning lottery numbers with as much accuracy as I can with my daughter's mental & physical health issues. But after 4 weeks of hyper-vigilence, not enough sleep no matter how many naps I took, multiple appointments with 7 different pediatricians, psychologists, and psychiatrists, multiple school based team meetings, the crash came.
I don't know about you, but for me the crash usually follows a typical pattern. I can function at a high level of caregiving for a very long time. This means eating poorly - too much, not enough, late at night. It means constantly having my child in my vision because if I let her out of my sight disaster will strike and she may not live through it. It means keeping all the above listed clinicians and school staff updated on a daily basis of her status. It means compartmentalizing everything and not allowing any emotions to break through. It also means trying to keep my relationship with my other kids from deteriorating while I once again handle the crisis child. And then it happens....the major debilitating migraine hits. I can feel it coming and if I actually listen to that little voice inside my head, I make sure I get myself home and stay there.
The last time this happened I was at an IEP meeting for one of my other kids and my vision started splitting and everything looked just slightly off. I'm sure they must have thought I was drunk or something because my speech started slurring too. I did phone the next day and explain it was a migraine.
Sure enough the pain and nausea came and took over my brain for what seemed like an eternity. But this morning I feel much better, and I'm glad it's over. The crisis isn't over, but the intensity has lessened and now I feel I can actually keep calm and carry on. Until the next one.
Today I vote for somewhere in-between. Finally after almost of month of daily crisis, I hit the wall. Crashed and burned. Yada, yada, yada. I knew it was coming because that's how all crisis es (sp. ??)end with me. And I was actually waiting for it to happen so I could move on and carry on.
Should I be locked away somewhere? No, I don't turn into the Wolfman or anything, so no need for incarceration. At least, not yet.
This crisis is/was one that I felt would happen, and unfortunately once again, my prediction came true. I wish I could predict the winning lottery numbers with as much accuracy as I can with my daughter's mental & physical health issues. But after 4 weeks of hyper-vigilence, not enough sleep no matter how many naps I took, multiple appointments with 7 different pediatricians, psychologists, and psychiatrists, multiple school based team meetings, the crash came.
I don't know about you, but for me the crash usually follows a typical pattern. I can function at a high level of caregiving for a very long time. This means eating poorly - too much, not enough, late at night. It means constantly having my child in my vision because if I let her out of my sight disaster will strike and she may not live through it. It means keeping all the above listed clinicians and school staff updated on a daily basis of her status. It means compartmentalizing everything and not allowing any emotions to break through. It also means trying to keep my relationship with my other kids from deteriorating while I once again handle the crisis child. And then it happens....the major debilitating migraine hits. I can feel it coming and if I actually listen to that little voice inside my head, I make sure I get myself home and stay there.
The last time this happened I was at an IEP meeting for one of my other kids and my vision started splitting and everything looked just slightly off. I'm sure they must have thought I was drunk or something because my speech started slurring too. I did phone the next day and explain it was a migraine.
Sure enough the pain and nausea came and took over my brain for what seemed like an eternity. But this morning I feel much better, and I'm glad it's over. The crisis isn't over, but the intensity has lessened and now I feel I can actually keep calm and carry on. Until the next one.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
"Sometimes you want to go...
...Where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came
You want to be where you can see
Our troubles are all the same
You want to be where everybody knows your name"
If you're old enough to remember this song from the tv show Cheers, then you may have fond memories of laughing out loud - even when you were alone. That's one of my memories from the late '80's. My tiny one bedroom apartment in Kitsalano (that was only $415/month!)that I loved. Where I would watch Cheers on my little 12 inch tv screen, without a remote!
The song came to me today as I was thinking about how far I've come in my journey to not isolate myself when the going gets tough. Although my preference would still be to go back to bed (with my nice toasty electric blanket), I have made the shift to talking to those who understand, asking for help, and attending a support group (one that I don't facilitate!)
And yes, the going is very tough right now. I know I'm not the only one struggling. At any given moment, many of us who are parenting by adoption keep having to revisit issues from our own, as well as our childrens' past, that keep popping up just when we thought they were behind us. Frankly, it sucks!
But clearly, ignoring things doesn't work. And pretending to everyone else that everything is "fine, thanks" doesn't work either. I want to be where I can see, our troubles are all the same.
And since you now probably have that song stuck in your mind, here's the full set of lyrics...
ARTIST: Gary Portnoy and Judy Hart Angelo
TITLE: Where Everybody Knows Your Name
Making your way in the world today
Takes everything you've got
Taking a break from all your worries
Sure would help a lot
Wouldn't you like to get away
All those nights when you've got no lights
The check is in the mail
And your little angel
Hung the cat up by its tail
And your third fiancée didn't show
Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came
You want to be where you can see
Our troubles are all the same
You want to be where everybody knows your name
Roll out of bed, Mr. Coffee's dead
The morning's looking bright
And your shrink ran off to Europe
And didn't even write
And your husband wants to be a girl
Be glad there's one place in the world
Where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came
You want to go where people know
People are all the same
You want to go where everybody knows your name
Where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came
(Sounds to me as if the writers are adoptive parents...?)
And they're always glad you came
You want to be where you can see
Our troubles are all the same
You want to be where everybody knows your name"
If you're old enough to remember this song from the tv show Cheers, then you may have fond memories of laughing out loud - even when you were alone. That's one of my memories from the late '80's. My tiny one bedroom apartment in Kitsalano (that was only $415/month!)that I loved. Where I would watch Cheers on my little 12 inch tv screen, without a remote!
The song came to me today as I was thinking about how far I've come in my journey to not isolate myself when the going gets tough. Although my preference would still be to go back to bed (with my nice toasty electric blanket), I have made the shift to talking to those who understand, asking for help, and attending a support group (one that I don't facilitate!)
And yes, the going is very tough right now. I know I'm not the only one struggling. At any given moment, many of us who are parenting by adoption keep having to revisit issues from our own, as well as our childrens' past, that keep popping up just when we thought they were behind us. Frankly, it sucks!
But clearly, ignoring things doesn't work. And pretending to everyone else that everything is "fine, thanks" doesn't work either. I want to be where I can see, our troubles are all the same.
And since you now probably have that song stuck in your mind, here's the full set of lyrics...
ARTIST: Gary Portnoy and Judy Hart Angelo
TITLE: Where Everybody Knows Your Name
Making your way in the world today
Takes everything you've got
Taking a break from all your worries
Sure would help a lot
Wouldn't you like to get away
All those nights when you've got no lights
The check is in the mail
And your little angel
Hung the cat up by its tail
And your third fiancée didn't show
Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came
You want to be where you can see
Our troubles are all the same
You want to be where everybody knows your name
Roll out of bed, Mr. Coffee's dead
The morning's looking bright
And your shrink ran off to Europe
And didn't even write
And your husband wants to be a girl
Be glad there's one place in the world
Where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came
You want to go where people know
People are all the same
You want to go where everybody knows your name
Where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came
(Sounds to me as if the writers are adoptive parents...?)
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Quote for the day...
"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same."
Carlos Castaneda
Carlos Castaneda
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Anxiety, Depression & ADHD
These are just 3 of the issues we're dealing with at home right now. As I was browsing one of my go-to websites Psychology Today, I found this article written by Frank Lawless is who a frequent guest on Dr. Phil. (Does that add to, or reduce his credibility???)
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/redefining-stress/200807/adhd-v-depression-and-anxiety
He makes the case that once anxiety and depression are dealt with, disorders such as ADHD are then easier to manage.
It's a very interesting article. If you have a few minutes, give it a read and let me know your thoughts.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/redefining-stress/200807/adhd-v-depression-and-anxiety
He makes the case that once anxiety and depression are dealt with, disorders such as ADHD are then easier to manage.
It's a very interesting article. If you have a few minutes, give it a read and let me know your thoughts.
Friday, November 5, 2010
ADOPTIVE FAMILIES GIVE THE GIFT OF NEW LIVES
A Statement from the Representative for Children and Youth
Over the years, I have had the privilege of meeting many adoptive parents and the young people to whom they have given second chances and new lives.
Through the advocacy work of my office, we are honored to see the enormous emotional investment of those people who begin down the path of adoption, and those that eventually get through the process. We see the complexity of adoption – both the process and the relationships -- and we see the overwhelming love and sensitivity of adoptive parents towards their child or children. We see in them the desire to improve the lives of the many children who have such troubled starts in life.
Many children's life chances have been shattered by the actions of adults who should have been protecting and supporting them. Fortunately and humbling for us all, many of those children have been rescued by caring, skilled adoptive parents.
They give them the gifts of love and of stability, the joy of a family that cares for and about them, that helps them heal and be happy, and puts them on a path to success. Adoptive parents transform lives.
I am so pleased that Adoption Awareness month gives everyone the opportunity to thank the many families in our province who have opened their hearts and adopted a child into their homes.
Not only do adoptive parents change individual lives, but they also strengthen the fabric of our society and our communities. There are currently far too many vulnerable B.C. children - about 1,300 - awaiting adoption. Adoption Awareness month helps to remind us of this.
One of my roles as Representative is to help ensure the voices of vulnerable children are listened to, and that they receive the support and services they need to thrive. It is through our advocacy role that we help many prospective and current adoptive parents and the children they want to bring into their lives. Helping to raise a child is one of the most challenging and important things we can do, and adoptive parents must be properly supported.
Thank you all, for making a profound difference in the lives of B.C.’s children and youth.
Sincerely,
Mary Ellen Turpel-Lafond
B.C.’s Representative for Children and Youth
Over the years, I have had the privilege of meeting many adoptive parents and the young people to whom they have given second chances and new lives.
Through the advocacy work of my office, we are honored to see the enormous emotional investment of those people who begin down the path of adoption, and those that eventually get through the process. We see the complexity of adoption – both the process and the relationships -- and we see the overwhelming love and sensitivity of adoptive parents towards their child or children. We see in them the desire to improve the lives of the many children who have such troubled starts in life.
Many children's life chances have been shattered by the actions of adults who should have been protecting and supporting them. Fortunately and humbling for us all, many of those children have been rescued by caring, skilled adoptive parents.
They give them the gifts of love and of stability, the joy of a family that cares for and about them, that helps them heal and be happy, and puts them on a path to success. Adoptive parents transform lives.
I am so pleased that Adoption Awareness month gives everyone the opportunity to thank the many families in our province who have opened their hearts and adopted a child into their homes.
Not only do adoptive parents change individual lives, but they also strengthen the fabric of our society and our communities. There are currently far too many vulnerable B.C. children - about 1,300 - awaiting adoption. Adoption Awareness month helps to remind us of this.
One of my roles as Representative is to help ensure the voices of vulnerable children are listened to, and that they receive the support and services they need to thrive. It is through our advocacy role that we help many prospective and current adoptive parents and the children they want to bring into their lives. Helping to raise a child is one of the most challenging and important things we can do, and adoptive parents must be properly supported.
Thank you all, for making a profound difference in the lives of B.C.’s children and youth.
Sincerely,
Mary Ellen Turpel-Lafond
B.C.’s Representative for Children and Youth
Thursday, November 4, 2010
The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake
I just finished reading this book, and I'm sure it's the quirkiest book ever.
It has nothing to do with adoption or race, but it was a fascinating read. It was kind of like watching a train wreck - I couldn't stop reading it.
The story features a girl who at the age of 9 who discovers her magical gift. When she eats, she can taste the emotions of the person who made the food. (I know, I know. Sounds weird.)
It starts with Rose, the 9 year old, biting into her mother's famous homemade lemon chocolate cake, and tastes her mother's despair and desperation. (I wish they would have included the lemon chocolate cake recipe!)
Emotions, secrets, hidden truths are all revealed to Rose when she eats food someone else has prepared.
Definitely worth requesting from the library. If you've read it, or plan on reading it, let me know what you think. Definitely quirky.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Journalling...
Who has time for that?
Off and on over the years since my youngest two came home, I have started and stopped journalling. The reasons I started journalling were varied, from needing a non-judgemental outlet for my emotions, to hoping to release some long pent-up issues, to reminding myself what is good in my life.
So once again I have started journalling. I'm planning on writing at the start of my day instead of waiting til the end when I'm tired. I'm taking a new approach as well. I've got a list of items to write about to get me started each time. Here they are:
My day
My goals
Specific problems or worries
Priorities/To-do lists
What I'm thankful for
A friend who is a journalling freak (in a good way!) and I were discussing the topic recently and it's because of her that once again I've started writing. She was telling me about how she has all the cool, funky journals that she writes in, and since she lives alone with two cats, she doesn't have to worry about her privacy being violated. She can leave her journals wherever she likes in her home and be inspired to write wherever she happens to be.
I was saying how I'm not one of those who keep their journals forever, and I usually end up shredding them. For me, once it's down on paper I don't want to look back and see where I've been and what I was thinking. (What WAS I thinking?!)
But that's the great thing about journalling she tells me. It's all about you and you don't have to be politically correct, or polite, or nice, or neat or anything you don't want to be. You get to say what you want at that moment, and it's only for you. Not many places we get to do that, is there?
Not that anyone would probably read my stuff, or that they would be offended by what I wrote, but that's the whole point. I need to be able to write what I feel at any certain time knowing that no one else needs to know about it. It's one of the few places I can be totally honest without anyone (except myself) making judgements.
Besides, journalling gives me the excuse to go shopping for another cool book to write in.
Does anyone else journal? What do you write about? How do you get started? How often do you write?
Off and on over the years since my youngest two came home, I have started and stopped journalling. The reasons I started journalling were varied, from needing a non-judgemental outlet for my emotions, to hoping to release some long pent-up issues, to reminding myself what is good in my life.
So once again I have started journalling. I'm planning on writing at the start of my day instead of waiting til the end when I'm tired. I'm taking a new approach as well. I've got a list of items to write about to get me started each time. Here they are:
My day
My goals
Specific problems or worries
Priorities/To-do lists
What I'm thankful for
A friend who is a journalling freak (in a good way!) and I were discussing the topic recently and it's because of her that once again I've started writing. She was telling me about how she has all the cool, funky journals that she writes in, and since she lives alone with two cats, she doesn't have to worry about her privacy being violated. She can leave her journals wherever she likes in her home and be inspired to write wherever she happens to be.
I was saying how I'm not one of those who keep their journals forever, and I usually end up shredding them. For me, once it's down on paper I don't want to look back and see where I've been and what I was thinking. (What WAS I thinking?!)
But that's the great thing about journalling she tells me. It's all about you and you don't have to be politically correct, or polite, or nice, or neat or anything you don't want to be. You get to say what you want at that moment, and it's only for you. Not many places we get to do that, is there?
Not that anyone would probably read my stuff, or that they would be offended by what I wrote, but that's the whole point. I need to be able to write what I feel at any certain time knowing that no one else needs to know about it. It's one of the few places I can be totally honest without anyone (except myself) making judgements.
Besides, journalling gives me the excuse to go shopping for another cool book to write in.
Does anyone else journal? What do you write about? How do you get started? How often do you write?
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Welcome Home !!
This is one of the best parts of my job - welcoming new kids into an adoptive home. When my two youngest came home, (almost 9 years ago!)we didn't really celebrate with a party or shower, or anything other than within our own family. The foster parents provided a huge sendoff party with all the people who were important in their lives, and what with trying to keep the attachment process intact, we kept everything really low key at home.
What I discovered from that, was no one else really made a big deal out of their arrival home. And that wasn't ok with me. I know for parents of newborns everyone gives them a shower with gifts and food, but it seems that for many who adopt older kids, no one really seems to know what to do. Do we stay away while they get settled? (Yes! Definitely!) And if so, then how long do we wait? (Ask the parents what works for them.) What's an appropriate gift? (Ask the parents.) And what ends up happening is, in the hustle and bustle of building attachment and working on attunement, the celebration can get pushed aside and never happen.
So quite a few years ago I came up with the idea of helping new families celebrate their placements. The Interior MCFD adoption workers let me know when they've officially placed a child, or children, what some of their special needs are, and if there are other kids in the home, their ages, etc. That's when I get to have fun and put together some items to support and celebrate the placement. As you can see from the photos, I include books for the kids on adoption, resources including appropriate books for the parents, and some fun stuff too. Then I package it up all pretty and deliver it to the MCFD social worker. The social worker then gets to deliver it to the new family with a minimum of fuss and interruption.I love being able to provide support and celebration to new families! And I know the families love it too!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
What about crying?
After my post the other day about the benefits of laughter I started thinking about the benefits of tears.
Many of us adoptive parents have cried more tears, and cried more often, than we ever thought we would, or could. But the tears are more than just an expression of sadness arn't they? For me, it's another form of stress relief, of acknowledging the grief and loss I feel, of being able to let go of wanting to, but failing at, having everything under control and being a perfect parent.
"Emotional tears have special health benefits. Biochemist and “tear expert” Dr. William Frey at the Ramsey Medical Center in Minneapolis discovered that reflex tears are 98% water, whereas emotional tears also contain stress hormones which get excreted from the body through crying. After studying the composition of tears, Dr. Frey found that emotional tears shed these hormones and other toxins which accumulate during stress. Additional studies also suggest that crying stimulates the production of endorphins, our body’s natural pain killer and “feel-good” hormones.” Interestingly, humans are the only creatures known to shed emotional tears, though it’s possible that that elephants and gorillas do too." (Psychology Today)
Crying makes me feel better even if the problem/issue still exists. Nothing has changed, except afterwards, I do feel like I can then get up and carry on.
There's definitely a connection when we're laughing so hard, we're crying. Both make us feel better.
Many of us adoptive parents have cried more tears, and cried more often, than we ever thought we would, or could. But the tears are more than just an expression of sadness arn't they? For me, it's another form of stress relief, of acknowledging the grief and loss I feel, of being able to let go of wanting to, but failing at, having everything under control and being a perfect parent.
"Emotional tears have special health benefits. Biochemist and “tear expert” Dr. William Frey at the Ramsey Medical Center in Minneapolis discovered that reflex tears are 98% water, whereas emotional tears also contain stress hormones which get excreted from the body through crying. After studying the composition of tears, Dr. Frey found that emotional tears shed these hormones and other toxins which accumulate during stress. Additional studies also suggest that crying stimulates the production of endorphins, our body’s natural pain killer and “feel-good” hormones.” Interestingly, humans are the only creatures known to shed emotional tears, though it’s possible that that elephants and gorillas do too." (Psychology Today)
Crying makes me feel better even if the problem/issue still exists. Nothing has changed, except afterwards, I do feel like I can then get up and carry on.
There's definitely a connection when we're laughing so hard, we're crying. Both make us feel better.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Fake it 'til you make it...
That's a phrase I've been known to use when supporting parents trying to build attachment with newly placed children.
When you're exhausted and don't think you can keep on going....fake it 'til you make it.
When you're discouraged and feeling like you will never have a healthy attachment with your child....fake it 'til you make it.
When you don't think you can make it through another IEP or parent/teacher interview....fake it 'til t you make it.
When you're trying to have fun with your kids at the park and all you can think of is how you should be home cleaning up/paying bills/making homemade something or other instead of using store bought....fake it 'til you make it.
And before you know it, you may just be having fun with your kids.
There is lots of research out there that shows by "pretending" to enjoy what we're doing our bodies still reap the benefits of stress-reducing smiling and laughter. Apparently our body does't know that we're actually faking it and our stress levels decrease.
Here's an interesting YouTube video by John Cleese on Laughter Yoga.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXEfjVnYkqM&feature=player_embedded
When you're exhausted and don't think you can keep on going....fake it 'til you make it.
When you're discouraged and feeling like you will never have a healthy attachment with your child....fake it 'til you make it.
When you don't think you can make it through another IEP or parent/teacher interview....fake it 'til t you make it.
When you're trying to have fun with your kids at the park and all you can think of is how you should be home cleaning up/paying bills/making homemade something or other instead of using store bought....fake it 'til you make it.
And before you know it, you may just be having fun with your kids.
There is lots of research out there that shows by "pretending" to enjoy what we're doing our bodies still reap the benefits of stress-reducing smiling and laughter. Apparently our body does't know that we're actually faking it and our stress levels decrease.
Here's an interesting YouTube video by John Cleese on Laughter Yoga.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXEfjVnYkqM&feature=player_embedded
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Have you registered yet?
For the FASD Retreat 2010 in Penticton at the Naramata Heritage Inn & Spa?
It's only $30 per person and includes of full day of snacks, lunch, mini spa treatments, lots of laughter and time for you!
Click on the page on the right for more info, or go to www.pentictonfasdretreat.eventbrite.com
It's only $30 per person and includes of full day of snacks, lunch, mini spa treatments, lots of laughter and time for you!
Click on the page on the right for more info, or go to www.pentictonfasdretreat.eventbrite.com
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
What the ?????
Me: What is it about kissing the bathroom mirror that is so appealing?
Her: Wasn't me.
Me: Yes it was you because no one else has been in there since I just finished cleaning it.
Her: Wasn't me.
Me: Should I take an impression of your lips and match it to the multiple prints on the mirror at your exact height? And let's not forget the lip gloss that you are currently wearing matches it perfectly.
Her: You never believe me!!
Me: Why do you think I that is?
Her: Because I lie all the time. But this time I'm telling the truth!
Me: You know, I really wish I could believe you, but once again the evidence against you is pretty overwhelming.
Her: Well I was just brushing my teeth and got too close to the mirror.
Me: Really - over and over and over you got too close to the mirror? And in different spots on the mirror? By the way, how did you manage to get your lip prints up so high? I sure hope you weren't standing on the (pedestal) sink.
Her: Well I had used up all the space down low so I had to.
Me: Weren't you supposed to be having a shower?
Her: I did.
Me: Then how come your hair isn't wet?
Her: See you never believe me! I was on the toilet so I couldn't have a shower. Duh!
Me: Then why could I hear the shower running for so long? You know we're on a septic system and you have to have short showers.
Her: Cause I turned it on before I was on the toilet.
Me: So you were sitting on the toilet while the shower was running? And then you were kissing the mirror while the shower was running?
Her: I don't know what you're so mad about! I turned the water off when you yelled at me.
Me: How about you just get your pyjamas on and get ready for bed.
Her: Wasn't me.
Me: Yes it was you because no one else has been in there since I just finished cleaning it.
Her: Wasn't me.
Me: Should I take an impression of your lips and match it to the multiple prints on the mirror at your exact height? And let's not forget the lip gloss that you are currently wearing matches it perfectly.
Her: You never believe me!!
Me: Why do you think I that is?
Her: Because I lie all the time. But this time I'm telling the truth!
Me: You know, I really wish I could believe you, but once again the evidence against you is pretty overwhelming.
Her: Well I was just brushing my teeth and got too close to the mirror.
Me: Really - over and over and over you got too close to the mirror? And in different spots on the mirror? By the way, how did you manage to get your lip prints up so high? I sure hope you weren't standing on the (pedestal) sink.
Her: Well I had used up all the space down low so I had to.
Me: Weren't you supposed to be having a shower?
Her: I did.
Me: Then how come your hair isn't wet?
Her: See you never believe me! I was on the toilet so I couldn't have a shower. Duh!
Me: Then why could I hear the shower running for so long? You know we're on a septic system and you have to have short showers.
Her: Cause I turned it on before I was on the toilet.
Me: So you were sitting on the toilet while the shower was running? And then you were kissing the mirror while the shower was running?
Her: I don't know what you're so mad about! I turned the water off when you yelled at me.
Me: How about you just get your pyjamas on and get ready for bed.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Have you ever....?
...used guided imagery/meditation as a tool to help you through a difficult time?
You may roll your eyes at this idea (I know I did) but it may be worth considering. For you and/or your child/youth.
A few months ago my daughter's therapist suggested it as a tool to help with her anxiety, and although I thought I kept my eye roll in check, I was quite sceptical of the suggestion. She referred me to a web site www.healthjourneys.com and to a specific speaker (?) called Belleruth Naparstek (yes that is her real name). So like the desperate-for-anything-that-will-help mom that I am, I went to the website and downloaded some guided imagery tracks.
And because I can't resist a packaged deal, I purchased a 4 pack that included general well being, anxiety, sleep and weight loss. Did I mention that I'm a sceptic when it comes to anything new-agey? So I downloaded the tracks to my Ipod, and made a cd of the anxiety one for my daughter.
I asked her to listen to it before going to sleep every night for about a week. Which she did, and now the cd has mysteriously disappeared.
That was a few months ago and since then I will confess I have become a convert of sorts. When things are really stressful around here, I will load it on my ipod and listen while I try and relax. Belleruth's voice is quite suited to the guided imagery. I haven't lost any weight listening to the weight loss one - clearly I have to do more than just listen. However the general well being one is quite good and I can listen to it while driving.
Here's a link to a free sample http://www.healthjourneys.com/free_audio.asp
Just a little hint - if listening to the sleep guided imagery track on your Ipod while actually trying to fall asleep, delete all other music from the Ipod. This will prevent your sleep being disrupted by Twisted Sister singing "We're Not Gonna Take It" after you've finally dozed off.
Friday, September 24, 2010
News from NACAC (North American Council on Adoptable Children)
Web: www.nacac.org
Your Input Is Needed!
To help shape our advocacy message and priorities, NACAC is seeking input from adoptive parents about the types of post-adoption services that families need (if any), what services families have used, and any barriers they have encountered.
We encourage all adoptive parents complete the survey at http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/6BNG7WH, and to share the link with other adoptive families.
Shop Jockey. Support NACAC.
Between now and September 30, shop at Jockey and support NACAC. Give $1 and bring comfort to adoptive families. Get a 15% off coupon for your next purchase. Shop at a Jockey outlet near year.
Together we can make a difference in the lives of adoptive families!
U.S. Post-Adoption Legislation Introduced
In August, Senator Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) introduced the Supporting Adoptive Families Act (S. 3726), cosponsored by Senators Mary Landrieu (D-LA), Sam Brownback (R-KS), and Tim Johnson (D-SD). The bill seeks to increase pre- and post-adoption services by designating a portion of existing child welfare funding streams for adoption support programs. The bill also proposes a grant program that would allow states to establish mental health support programs for adoptive children and families.
In addition, the bill would require states to track and report data on dissolution and disruption for children who are adopted within the U.S. or from other countries. After six months, HHS would be required to create an advisory committee to study the disruption and dissolution data and make recommendations to Congress on the data collection system.
Your Input Is Needed!
To help shape our advocacy message and priorities, NACAC is seeking input from adoptive parents about the types of post-adoption services that families need (if any), what services families have used, and any barriers they have encountered.
We encourage all adoptive parents complete the survey at http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/6BNG7WH, and to share the link with other adoptive families.
Shop Jockey. Support NACAC.
Between now and September 30, shop at Jockey and support NACAC. Give $1 and bring comfort to adoptive families. Get a 15% off coupon for your next purchase. Shop at a Jockey outlet near year.
Together we can make a difference in the lives of adoptive families!
U.S. Post-Adoption Legislation Introduced
In August, Senator Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) introduced the Supporting Adoptive Families Act (S. 3726), cosponsored by Senators Mary Landrieu (D-LA), Sam Brownback (R-KS), and Tim Johnson (D-SD). The bill seeks to increase pre- and post-adoption services by designating a portion of existing child welfare funding streams for adoption support programs. The bill also proposes a grant program that would allow states to establish mental health support programs for adoptive children and families.
In addition, the bill would require states to track and report data on dissolution and disruption for children who are adopted within the U.S. or from other countries. After six months, HHS would be required to create an advisory committee to study the disruption and dissolution data and make recommendations to Congress on the data collection system.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
It's been two weeks of school....
and already I'm bored of making lunches. I spend a good part of one of my Sunday afternoons baking for the upcoming week in a futile attempt to keep my kids in muffins, cookies, bars, etc. Here's just a short list of what I've made over the past two weeks:
snickerdoodles, chocolate chip cookies, oatmeal raisin cookies, zucchini chocolate chip muffins, rhubarb muffins, 2 lemon loaves, dream bars....yada yada yada.
One child will only eat cheese sandwiches, although he will eat muffins instead of a sandwich in his lunch.
One child will eat anything but peanut butter sandwiches.
One child will eat most things in her lunch, except for the apples. (Great - we live on an apple orchard.)
Then, once they get home from school the feeding frenzy begins! One child will head straight to the Wii for his 30 minutes of game time without eating. One heads straight to the pantry when she gets home for cookies/muffins/whatever. She can never seem to grasp the point that it's not a race to see who can get to the snacks first and who can consume them the quickest. The third one is usually at the fridge staring into the great abyss wondering why "There's nothing to eat." When I suggest yogurt, fruit, cut up veggies, etc. her response is "Nah, I don't want anything cold." "Then why are you looking in the fridge?"
The rule in our house is that all snacking must be completed by 4 pm. Despite my warnings of "30 minutes until the kitchen closes" or "15 minutes left for snacks" and of course my final "last call for snacks", my son will still appear at 5 pm whining about how hungry he is cause he didn't know snack time was over at 4. (The 4 pm rule has been in place since he started school). Then the whining continues if his older sister gets to eat a sandwich at five because she's heading out to soccer game in 20 minutes.
Finally it's dinner time around 6 pm and my poor starving son gets to eat. Last night's dinner was roasted chicken, boiled potatoes, rutabaga and salad. My son takes one chicken drumstick on his plate and sits at the table. Then he's up again to get a drink of milk. Then he sits down again. Then he gets up again because he didn't put the milk away. But his chicken is still too hot to eat, so I tell him to have some salad while he's waiting for his chicken to cool down. He has to get up, get another napkin and wipe off his plate with the napkin to clear off a space for the salad to land. You see, he can't have his salad touching his chicken. Then he gets up again because his favorite salad dressing is still in the fridge. Then back to the table to apply the dressing to his salad. Finally the chicken is cool enough to eat, but instead of picking it up and eating it with his fingers he picks little pieces off bit by bit and eats them. When the chicken is finished he gets up to put the bones in the garbage and to get another napkin to wipe any trace of chicken off his plate. Now it's on to the salad. He'll eat all the tomatoes in the salad, then all the carrots, then the cucumber, then the lettuce. Unfortunately for him I had added green onions to this salad so he had to pick all those out and get up and put them in the garbage.
Thank heaven my other two kids aren't like this. They eat pretty much anything that's put in front of them, although my oldest daughter likes ketchup on the strangest things. Oh and every meal usually involves her performing a version or two of whatever she's listening to that day.
Yes, dinner and a show are common place at my house.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
W.I.S.E. Up! for adoptees....
W.I.S.E. Up! – It's Back to School
Is your child or teen empowered or prepared to answer the inevitable adoption questions from new classmates, teachers and friends?
Are you from China? Are your REAL parents still there? Did you live in an orphanage? Is that your real sister? She doesn’t look like you.
Nearly all kids who were adopted by their families get asked these kids of questions. Haven’t you as parents encountered questions or been subject to comments about adoption? Well-meaning people may ask to be friendly or just out curiosity.
“Oh, is your husband Asian?”, “Do you know anything about her real parents?”, or “Are they really brothers?” or comments like “Oh, those children are sooo lucky!”, and “She’s so adorable, how could anyone give her away!”
Most parents therefore quickly learn that in order to minimize and cope more effectively with the distress these experiences can bring, they must prepare themselves for the questions and develop responses that they are comfortable with.
Adopted children and teens likely encounter these very same experiences – with their peers – friends, classmates – and perhaps even with teachers. It is important that they be prepared. Children often receive misinformation about adoption – from television/movies and the media. Do birth mothers sell their babies sold on the Internet? Are some adopted children kidnapped from their birth parents?
Driven by fears and understandable curiosity, with little understanding of what adoption means, non-adopted children may relate to the adoptee as they might to a child with a physical disability - asking questions and making comments to accentuate how they are different – to distance themselves from the adoptee in order to comfort themselves that this could never happen to them. Knowing that they are delving into private territory, non-adopted children are likely to ask these questions when other adults are not around.
The children we see at The Center for Adoption Support & Education, Inc. (C.A.S.E.) have shared the kinds of questions they get from their peers. These experiences create an added burden of emotional vulnerability. In response to this predicament, C.A.S.E developed the W.I.S.E. Up! Program to empower children to respond to questions and comments made about adoption. It is a powerful tool that is taught to children in groups, in individual, and family therapy, at camps for adopted children, programs run by adoptive parent support groups, and parent workshops. So that parents could teach this empowering tool to their children, the W.I.S.E. Up! Powerbook (written by Marilyn Schoettle) was created, and a complete facilitator’s guide for teaching the program to parents is available through C.A.S.E. as well.
WHAT IS W.I.S.E. Up!
The W.I.S.E. Up! Program first helps children realize that they are smarter than their peers – or WISER about adoption because of their experience of growing up in an adoptive family. They can take on the role of “expert”. This understanding alone helps introduce and prepare adopted children for the distinct likelihood that they will get asked questions and the reasons why.
Second, children learn to think about who is asking the question/making the comment and what they think is the motivation behind the question. Is the question coming from a trusted friend, from the class bully, from a teacher, etc. Is the person just curious or trying to tease?
Third, children learn to identify how they feel about
1.the person asking the question/making the comment
2.when the question is being asked – are they alone with their friend, or in front of other classmates; what kind of mood are they in – how are they feeling at that particular moment
3.how they feel about the question/comment. Children are usually shown a list of possible feelings including – sad, angry, surprised, shy, happy, confused, embarrassed, etc.
In the final and fourth step, children learn that they have four possible options for responding – each represented by the four letters of W.I.S.E., a tool designed for quick memorization. They actively CHOOSE how to respond.
W = WALK AWAY, or ignore what you hear.
I = IT’S PRIVATE, I do not have to share information with anyone, and I can say that appropriately, even to adults.
S = SHARE SOMETHING about my adoption story, but I can think carefully about what I want to let others know.
E = EDUCATE OTHERS about adoption in general, for example, I can talk about how adoption works today, successful adoptees, inaccurate information in the media, etc. I know a lot about it.
With practice, children can choose between W, I, S, or E without hesitation. In the process of embracing the W.I.S.E. Up! Program into their lives, they sometimes find themselves able to “take the sting out” by laughing at the question. They also learn to anticipate additional questions that may come when they respond with S or E. The W.I.S.E. Up! Tool can turn a challenging moment into an experience of confidence and success.
Parents and therapists who use this program with children also find that it is often a door opener that can lead to other important discussions/conversations about adoption.
The W.I.S.E. Up! Program was created by Marilyn Schoettle, former director of education and publications at The Center for Adoption Support & Education
Adoption Issues - Adoption Information, Resource
Is your child or teen empowered or prepared to answer the inevitable adoption questions from new classmates, teachers and friends?
Are you from China? Are your REAL parents still there? Did you live in an orphanage? Is that your real sister? She doesn’t look like you.
Nearly all kids who were adopted by their families get asked these kids of questions. Haven’t you as parents encountered questions or been subject to comments about adoption? Well-meaning people may ask to be friendly or just out curiosity.
“Oh, is your husband Asian?”, “Do you know anything about her real parents?”, or “Are they really brothers?” or comments like “Oh, those children are sooo lucky!”, and “She’s so adorable, how could anyone give her away!”
Most parents therefore quickly learn that in order to minimize and cope more effectively with the distress these experiences can bring, they must prepare themselves for the questions and develop responses that they are comfortable with.
Adopted children and teens likely encounter these very same experiences – with their peers – friends, classmates – and perhaps even with teachers. It is important that they be prepared. Children often receive misinformation about adoption – from television/movies and the media. Do birth mothers sell their babies sold on the Internet? Are some adopted children kidnapped from their birth parents?
Driven by fears and understandable curiosity, with little understanding of what adoption means, non-adopted children may relate to the adoptee as they might to a child with a physical disability - asking questions and making comments to accentuate how they are different – to distance themselves from the adoptee in order to comfort themselves that this could never happen to them. Knowing that they are delving into private territory, non-adopted children are likely to ask these questions when other adults are not around.
The children we see at The Center for Adoption Support & Education, Inc. (C.A.S.E.) have shared the kinds of questions they get from their peers. These experiences create an added burden of emotional vulnerability. In response to this predicament, C.A.S.E developed the W.I.S.E. Up! Program to empower children to respond to questions and comments made about adoption. It is a powerful tool that is taught to children in groups, in individual, and family therapy, at camps for adopted children, programs run by adoptive parent support groups, and parent workshops. So that parents could teach this empowering tool to their children, the W.I.S.E. Up! Powerbook (written by Marilyn Schoettle) was created, and a complete facilitator’s guide for teaching the program to parents is available through C.A.S.E. as well.
WHAT IS W.I.S.E. Up!
The W.I.S.E. Up! Program first helps children realize that they are smarter than their peers – or WISER about adoption because of their experience of growing up in an adoptive family. They can take on the role of “expert”. This understanding alone helps introduce and prepare adopted children for the distinct likelihood that they will get asked questions and the reasons why.
Second, children learn to think about who is asking the question/making the comment and what they think is the motivation behind the question. Is the question coming from a trusted friend, from the class bully, from a teacher, etc. Is the person just curious or trying to tease?
Third, children learn to identify how they feel about
1.the person asking the question/making the comment
2.when the question is being asked – are they alone with their friend, or in front of other classmates; what kind of mood are they in – how are they feeling at that particular moment
3.how they feel about the question/comment. Children are usually shown a list of possible feelings including – sad, angry, surprised, shy, happy, confused, embarrassed, etc.
In the final and fourth step, children learn that they have four possible options for responding – each represented by the four letters of W.I.S.E., a tool designed for quick memorization. They actively CHOOSE how to respond.
W = WALK AWAY, or ignore what you hear.
I = IT’S PRIVATE, I do not have to share information with anyone, and I can say that appropriately, even to adults.
S = SHARE SOMETHING about my adoption story, but I can think carefully about what I want to let others know.
E = EDUCATE OTHERS about adoption in general, for example, I can talk about how adoption works today, successful adoptees, inaccurate information in the media, etc. I know a lot about it.
With practice, children can choose between W, I, S, or E without hesitation. In the process of embracing the W.I.S.E. Up! Program into their lives, they sometimes find themselves able to “take the sting out” by laughing at the question. They also learn to anticipate additional questions that may come when they respond with S or E. The W.I.S.E. Up! Tool can turn a challenging moment into an experience of confidence and success.
Parents and therapists who use this program with children also find that it is often a door opener that can lead to other important discussions/conversations about adoption.
The W.I.S.E. Up! Program was created by Marilyn Schoettle, former director of education and publications at The Center for Adoption Support & Education
Adoption Issues - Adoption Information, Resource
Thursday, September 9, 2010
FASD Awareness Day and I Hate Lindsay Lohan Day
Yes it's a double whammy day today.
Although perhaps you're not as current with celebrity gossip as I am (although my daughter would disagree completely!!), surely you've heard about Lindsay Lohan, AKA Lilo, and her struggles with addiction issues, drunk driving, her 4, yes 4, stints in rehab, and her jail sentences.
As I was reading through my favorite gossip website (on my lunch break in case you're wondering!) which is www.laineygossip.com, there was a link to an article about Lindsay Lohan who wants to have a baby to keep herself sober. YIKES!
InTouch Weekly reports:
The star (Lilo) has confided to a pal that she’s determined to stay sober and thinks the best way for her to achieve that goal is to get pregnant. According to the pal, Lindsay, 24, hates being alone and thinks a baby would make the perfect companion. She’s seen what motherhood has done for former party girl Nicole Richie and thinks it can do the same for her. “She needs to be around someone nearly 24 hours a day,” the pal says. “She thinks having a baby could straighten out her life.”
And on today of all days. It's FASD Awareness Day. Those of us who work with, live with, care for and love people who have been exposed to alcohol in utero, and who struggle daily to support them, have zero tolerance for people like Lindsay.
I love reading my gossip site just for the distraction (and photos of Colin Farrell)and I know very few people who think the celebrity lifestyle is something we really want to achieve. Unfortunately, there are young women who look to Lindsay Lohan as a role model and want her lifestyle with endless shopping and parties.
Got a problem with alcohol? Drugs? Here's a solution - get pregnant. Because all your addiction issues will disappear the instant that baby starts growing inside you. Don't worry that your body isn't in any shape to carry a baby to full term, or that you may not even know you're pregnant for a few months anyways. Sure, then you can stop drinking. Right? You won't take any drugs once you know for sure you're pregnant. Right? You can stop anytime because you don't have a problem.
I hate Lindsay Lohan.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
I'm not lying.....honest!
There are days when I swear my daughter could pass a lie-detector test. She's always been one of these "creative" kids who will think up a quick story instead of telling the truth. Even for ordinary, everyday day stuff.
For example:
Me: Did you bring your planner home from school?
Her: My teacher said I wasn't supposed to bring it home every day.
Me: Oh. Because two days ago, your teacher wrote a note in it that you are supposed to bring it home every night and get it signed, and bring it to school the following day.
Her: That's for everyone else, not me.
Crazy eh?
Here's another example:
Me: Did you clean up all the Lego pieces on your bedroom floor that you were playing with?
Her: Yes.
Me: When I check, what will I find?
Her: I'm not lying, honest.
Me: Then I wonder how all that Lego escaped the box and got all over your floor?
Her: It was him. (Meaning her brother who has been over at a friend's house all day.)
Me: Well I guess you should clean it up now.
Do you ever watch the show "Lie to Me" starring Tim Roth? I want some of those skills in reading people to detect if they're truthful or not.
Here's some things I learned.
- people don't usually fidget or look away when they're lying (so much for the eye contact thing)
- Less blinking, more pauses in talking, vocal tension, pupil dilation, chin raise and nervousness don't consistently mean someone is lying.
- it's difficult to detect lies in people we know well and that we like, because we tend to trust them to be truthful
So how can I tell if someone is lying to me? Well here's some tips I picked up from a psychology blog...
- Individual differences are key. Some people's natural behaviour looks honest while others' natural behaviour doesn't. This won't tell you whether each is lying. E.g. introverts or socially nervous people tend to look as though they're lying when they're not. The way to do it is using comparisons. It's possible to spot falsehoods when they are compared with truthful statements.
- Micro-expressions. Good lie detectors can pick up on tiny facial movements that give away lies. The problem is that they're 'micro' so they're difficult to detect.
- Vocal inflection can be vital. There's evidence it's easier to detect lies just from the voice. The eyes are relatively easy to control and it can be better if we can't see them.
- Rely on intuition. People may be better at detecting lies with their intuition. Implicit or broadly unconscious processes can be more effective than conscious directed thought.
- Lying is hard work. Lying can place high cognitive demands on an individual - putting more pressure on a suspected liar can help with detection.
Hmmmm....what do they mean by "more pressure"? Water torture? (That wouldn't work - the kid already takes too long in the shower - my water bill is high enough!)
Bamboo under the finger nails? (She doesn't have any fingernails. And I don't have any bamboo.) Have her sit on a chair in a dark room with a bright light aimed at her? (There goes my electric bill.)
Oh wait....I heard about this technique that they use at Guantanamo Bay for suspected terrorists. It's dangerous, and although it doesn't work with everyone there it has proven quite effective for hard core liars.
It's called...losing your TV and computer privileges and having to be my helper for cleaning the house.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
September 9, 2010 FASD Awareness Day
Join us at the Penticton Okanagan College theatre on Sept. 9th from 7 pm - 9 pm for a special viewing of the "Myles Himmelreich Story - FASD Realities and Possibilities".
Myles Himmelreich, a young man from Alberta, lives with FASD. He eloquently speaks about his experiences, including both his challenges and his many successes. Myles is a seasoned presenter who has told his story to national and international audiences that include professionals, caregivers and individuals who are themselves affected by FASD.
In this documentary, Myles courageously tells his story, speaking candidly about the issues he continues to face, as well as the strategies he has used to manage and overcome them.
Following the DVD presentation there will be a panel of experienced parents and caregivers to answer your questions and share their real life challenges and successes.
This is a FREE event sponsored by PDCRS - FASD Key Worker program.
For more information contact: Christine Lind, FASD Key Worker 250-492-5814
Monday, August 30, 2010
Dirty Dancing, Patrick Swayze and race...
It was on tv the other night - Dirty Dancing with Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey. I must have seen that movie five times when it first came out in 1987 and loved it back then. Although I could watch Patrick dance for hours, especially with his shirt off.....it was interesting to watch the movie again 23 years later. (Note to self....watch Ghost again next time it's on tv. Loved the pottery scene with Demi Moore.)
One thing that really stood out for me was the fact that there was only one couple of African heritage in the movie, and of course, they only danced with each other. Well, and I guess that back in '87 the movie makers couldn't possibly have black people dancing with white people, could they? And perhaps I'm wrong on this point, it seemed that the "visibly" Hispanic couples only danced with each other too. Very bizarre compared to movies today.
And then I found this interesting article on labelling. How dangerous it is to label someone as black, rich or smart, because it can determine what we actually "see".
Jennifer Eberhardt, a social psychologist at Stanford, and her colleagues showed white college students a pictures of a man who was racially ambiguous--he could have plausibly fallen into the "white" category or the "black" category. For half the students, the face was described as belonging to a white man, and for the other half it was described as belonging to a black man. In one task, the experimenter asked the students to spend four minutes drawing the face as it sat on the screen in front of them. Although all the students were looking at the same face, those who tended to believe that race is an entrenched human characteristic drew faces that matched the stereotype associated with the label (see a sample below). The racial labels formed a lens through with the students saw the man, and they were incapable of perceiving him independently of that label.
And the situation is the same for labelling someone rich or poor. Here's the link to the full article if you'd like to read it. www.psychologytoday.com/blog/alternative-truths/201005/why-its-dangerous-label-people
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Disconnects between expectations and experiences
I found this interesting article referring to expectations and experiences and it reminded me of when we first brought home our sibling group who were 20 months and 3 years old at the time.
Despite all my exhausted research and experience, I had not lowered my expectations enough to be realistic for what each of my two new children had already experienced before joining our family.
"Our expectations of our experiences dramatically color not just how we experience waiting for them but the experiences themselves. Four scenarios exist regarding expectations and experiences. We can have:
Low expectations and a poor experience, where our low expectations can mute the disappointment or even the discomfort we feel at actually having a poor experience.
Low expectations but a good experience, leading to a pleasant surprise.
High expectations and good experience, in which we get to enjoy not only the anticipation of looking forward to something fabulous but an experience that actually lives up to our expectations and therefore feels thoroughly satisfying.
High expectations but a poor experience, in which we often emerge bitterly disappointed or even traumatized.
THE BEST STRATEGY
The "gain" at which we set our expectations tends to be more a matter of habit and disposition than conscious intention for most of us. Some of us expect little, perhaps as a way to defend against disappointment, accepting the cost of a muted or absent anticipatory sense of joy. Others of us can't help having high expectations, basking consistently in the glow of anticipation but often paying a different price: the painful disappointment that comes when experiences fail to live up to those high expectations. Even worse, sometimes having unrealistically high expectations prevent us from being able to enjoy our experiences at all.
I honestly don't think one strategy is better than another but rather that different strategies are better suited for different types of people. If you observe yourself to be continually disappointed by experiences you feel you should be able to enjoy, you may do better by consciously lowering your expectations somewhat. Likewise, if your expectations remain so consistently low you never think things will work out for you, you may find yourself plagued by a gloomy pessimism that blocks you from savoring a truly enjoyable part of life—the anticipation of good things—and you might work on allowing yourself to expect just a little more.
Though we all may have a built-in set point at which we unconsciously tend to set our expectations, that doesn't prevent us from consciously grabbing the reins and adjusting them up or down to suit our needs. Certainly it would be ideal if our expectations always perfectly matched our experiences, but as the quality of many experiences is hard to predict, we might do better to adjust our expectation of how much we think we'll enjoy or dislike an experience based more on how we know those expectations will affect us than on how accurate we may think they'll turn out to be.
My own personal preference is to know up front as much as I can about both good and bad experiences coming my way. For me—and, I've observed, for many others—not knowing what's coming when anticipating something bad creates even more anxiety than having full knowledge of how bad what's coming will be. Knowing the limits of the "badness" I'll be facing enables me to focus on preparing for it rather than on managing my imagination's tendency to inflate it beyond all rational proportion. For me at least, the devil I don't know is far worse than the devil I do."
I would like to think my children have finally taught me to set my expectations differently for each of them, depending on each situation. And although for the most part I am usually successful at this, nothing is guaranteed as you all well know! But if everything was guaranteed, how dull my life would be!
As a friend of mine said "I've lowered my expectations for my son so low, that I trip over them every morning getting out of bed."
Here's the link to read the whole article
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-in-world/201003/the-danger-having-unrealistic-expectations
Despite all my exhausted research and experience, I had not lowered my expectations enough to be realistic for what each of my two new children had already experienced before joining our family.
"Our expectations of our experiences dramatically color not just how we experience waiting for them but the experiences themselves. Four scenarios exist regarding expectations and experiences. We can have:
Low expectations and a poor experience, where our low expectations can mute the disappointment or even the discomfort we feel at actually having a poor experience.
Low expectations but a good experience, leading to a pleasant surprise.
High expectations and good experience, in which we get to enjoy not only the anticipation of looking forward to something fabulous but an experience that actually lives up to our expectations and therefore feels thoroughly satisfying.
High expectations but a poor experience, in which we often emerge bitterly disappointed or even traumatized.
THE BEST STRATEGY
The "gain" at which we set our expectations tends to be more a matter of habit and disposition than conscious intention for most of us. Some of us expect little, perhaps as a way to defend against disappointment, accepting the cost of a muted or absent anticipatory sense of joy. Others of us can't help having high expectations, basking consistently in the glow of anticipation but often paying a different price: the painful disappointment that comes when experiences fail to live up to those high expectations. Even worse, sometimes having unrealistically high expectations prevent us from being able to enjoy our experiences at all.
I honestly don't think one strategy is better than another but rather that different strategies are better suited for different types of people. If you observe yourself to be continually disappointed by experiences you feel you should be able to enjoy, you may do better by consciously lowering your expectations somewhat. Likewise, if your expectations remain so consistently low you never think things will work out for you, you may find yourself plagued by a gloomy pessimism that blocks you from savoring a truly enjoyable part of life—the anticipation of good things—and you might work on allowing yourself to expect just a little more.
Though we all may have a built-in set point at which we unconsciously tend to set our expectations, that doesn't prevent us from consciously grabbing the reins and adjusting them up or down to suit our needs. Certainly it would be ideal if our expectations always perfectly matched our experiences, but as the quality of many experiences is hard to predict, we might do better to adjust our expectation of how much we think we'll enjoy or dislike an experience based more on how we know those expectations will affect us than on how accurate we may think they'll turn out to be.
My own personal preference is to know up front as much as I can about both good and bad experiences coming my way. For me—and, I've observed, for many others—not knowing what's coming when anticipating something bad creates even more anxiety than having full knowledge of how bad what's coming will be. Knowing the limits of the "badness" I'll be facing enables me to focus on preparing for it rather than on managing my imagination's tendency to inflate it beyond all rational proportion. For me at least, the devil I don't know is far worse than the devil I do."
I would like to think my children have finally taught me to set my expectations differently for each of them, depending on each situation. And although for the most part I am usually successful at this, nothing is guaranteed as you all well know! But if everything was guaranteed, how dull my life would be!
As a friend of mine said "I've lowered my expectations for my son so low, that I trip over them every morning getting out of bed."
Here's the link to read the whole article
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-in-world/201003/the-danger-having-unrealistic-expectations
Thursday, August 19, 2010
"But why wasn't he removed from that home?"
"If he wasn't being looked after properly, why didn't anyone take him away?"
I've heard non-adoptive parents ask that question about children in foster care who have had "less-than stimulating" experiences in their home.
Physical abuse is much easier to spot obviously because there are bruises, marks, scars, etc. Child sexual abuse victims will usually display sexualized behavior which sets off alarms with teachers or other involved adults.
"Neglect means that the child lives in a chronic state of hunger, filth, and loneliness. The neglected child is not provided the food, clothing and shelter needed. Furthermore, neglect may involve simply ignoring the child; failing to respond to his pleas; leaving him to his own devices; failing to stimulate his senses by talking to him, carrying him about, encouraging his exploration of his world. Neglect may also include lack of medical care and/or mental health services as well as providing poor supervision, no supervision, or leaving the child in the care of someone who is not capable. For example, a ratio of 1 orphanage staff to 5 or more infants or toddlers is not sufficient and creates a neglectful situation. This would be like having quintuplets—only your mother, mother-in-law, sisters, aunts, friends, etc. aren’t available to help out!" (http://perspectivespress.com/blog/2010/08/18/why-love-isnt-enough-part-two-neglect/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+PerspectivesOnChallengedFamilyBuilding+%28Perspectives+on+Challenged+Family+Building%29)
However for our kids that have experienced trauma due to neglect, it can be difficult to identify, and therefore difficult to intervene.
Here are some signs that MAY indicate child neglect:
(http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/signs.cfm)
The Child:
- Shows sudden changes in behavior or school performance
- Has not received help for physical or medical problems brought to the parents' attention
- Has learning problems (or difficulty concentrating) that cannot be attributed to specific physical or psychological causes
- Is always watchful, as though preparing for something bad to happen
- Lacks adult supervision
- Is overly compliant, passive, or withdrawn
- Comes to school or other activities early, stays late, and does not want to go home
The Parent:
- Shows little concern for the child
- Denies the existence of—or blames the child for—the child's problems in school or at home
- Asks teachers or other caregivers to use harsh physical discipline if the child misbehaves
- Sees the child as entirely bad, worthless, or burdensome
- Demands a level of physical or academic performance the child cannot achieve
- Looks primarily to the child for care, attention, and satisfaction of emotional needs
The Parent and Child:
- Rarely touch or look at each other
- Consider their relationship entirely negative
- State that they do not like each other
As you experienced, educated, adoptive parents all know....it's so easy for someone else to make a quick comment such as "how could someone do that to a child?" and shake their heads in judgement. But we all know that it can and does happen far too often, and that some of our children live with the affects of neglect on a daily basis. Many of us will spend years trying to make up for the neglect our child experienced...and at times it seems as if all our efforts are in vain. But we soldier on knowing that we are making a difference.
Little bits at a time.
I've heard non-adoptive parents ask that question about children in foster care who have had "less-than stimulating" experiences in their home.
Physical abuse is much easier to spot obviously because there are bruises, marks, scars, etc. Child sexual abuse victims will usually display sexualized behavior which sets off alarms with teachers or other involved adults.
"Neglect means that the child lives in a chronic state of hunger, filth, and loneliness. The neglected child is not provided the food, clothing and shelter needed. Furthermore, neglect may involve simply ignoring the child; failing to respond to his pleas; leaving him to his own devices; failing to stimulate his senses by talking to him, carrying him about, encouraging his exploration of his world. Neglect may also include lack of medical care and/or mental health services as well as providing poor supervision, no supervision, or leaving the child in the care of someone who is not capable. For example, a ratio of 1 orphanage staff to 5 or more infants or toddlers is not sufficient and creates a neglectful situation. This would be like having quintuplets—only your mother, mother-in-law, sisters, aunts, friends, etc. aren’t available to help out!" (http://perspectivespress.com/blog/2010/08/18/why-love-isnt-enough-part-two-neglect/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+PerspectivesOnChallengedFamilyBuilding+%28Perspectives+on+Challenged+Family+Building%29)
However for our kids that have experienced trauma due to neglect, it can be difficult to identify, and therefore difficult to intervene.
Here are some signs that MAY indicate child neglect:
(http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/signs.cfm)
The Child:
- Shows sudden changes in behavior or school performance
- Has not received help for physical or medical problems brought to the parents' attention
- Has learning problems (or difficulty concentrating) that cannot be attributed to specific physical or psychological causes
- Is always watchful, as though preparing for something bad to happen
- Lacks adult supervision
- Is overly compliant, passive, or withdrawn
- Comes to school or other activities early, stays late, and does not want to go home
The Parent:
- Shows little concern for the child
- Denies the existence of—or blames the child for—the child's problems in school or at home
- Asks teachers or other caregivers to use harsh physical discipline if the child misbehaves
- Sees the child as entirely bad, worthless, or burdensome
- Demands a level of physical or academic performance the child cannot achieve
- Looks primarily to the child for care, attention, and satisfaction of emotional needs
The Parent and Child:
- Rarely touch or look at each other
- Consider their relationship entirely negative
- State that they do not like each other
As you experienced, educated, adoptive parents all know....it's so easy for someone else to make a quick comment such as "how could someone do that to a child?" and shake their heads in judgement. But we all know that it can and does happen far too often, and that some of our children live with the affects of neglect on a daily basis. Many of us will spend years trying to make up for the neglect our child experienced...and at times it seems as if all our efforts are in vain. But we soldier on knowing that we are making a difference.
Little bits at a time.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
"I wanna be a billionaire, so friggin' bad"....
It's an "earworm". For the last few mornings I've woken up with that song in my brain. I have no idea who even sings it, but clearly it's my not-so-subconscious mind telling me something. Hmmm...what could it be???
Could it be the $ 20,0000.00 bill we just got for our septic system?
Could it be the second round of ortho for my oldest daughter of $ 2,500.00?
Could it be the weekly therapy sessions for my other daughter at $ 130.00/hour?
Could it be the mysterious leak that we cannot find that is causing our kitchen floor to bubble up at several different locations?
Nahhhh, couldn't be any of those things....could it?
Here's the definition from Wikipedia...
Earworm, a loan translation of the German Ohrwurm,[1] is a portion of a song or other music that repeats compulsively within one's mind, put colloquially as "music being stuck in one's head." Use of the English translation was popularized by James Kellaris, a marketing researcher at the University of Cincinnati, and Daniel Levitin. Kellaris' studies demonstrated that different people have varying susceptibilities to earworms, but that almost everybody has been afflicted with one at some time or another.[2] According to research by James Kellaris, 98% of individuals experience earworms. Women and men experience the phenomenon equally often, but earworms are more likely to last longer for women and to irritate them more than men. (Does that mean that men are less irritating than ear worms???)
The Official Earworm Synonym List includes alternative terms such as "music meme", "humsickness" , "repetunitis", "obsessive musical thought" and "tune wedgy."[7]
What tune wedgy do you have happening today??
Could it be the $ 20,0000.00 bill we just got for our septic system?
Could it be the second round of ortho for my oldest daughter of $ 2,500.00?
Could it be the weekly therapy sessions for my other daughter at $ 130.00/hour?
Could it be the mysterious leak that we cannot find that is causing our kitchen floor to bubble up at several different locations?
Nahhhh, couldn't be any of those things....could it?
Here's the definition from Wikipedia...
Earworm, a loan translation of the German Ohrwurm,[1] is a portion of a song or other music that repeats compulsively within one's mind, put colloquially as "music being stuck in one's head." Use of the English translation was popularized by James Kellaris, a marketing researcher at the University of Cincinnati, and Daniel Levitin. Kellaris' studies demonstrated that different people have varying susceptibilities to earworms, but that almost everybody has been afflicted with one at some time or another.[2] According to research by James Kellaris, 98% of individuals experience earworms. Women and men experience the phenomenon equally often, but earworms are more likely to last longer for women and to irritate them more than men. (Does that mean that men are less irritating than ear worms???)
The Official Earworm Synonym List includes alternative terms such as "music meme", "humsickness" , "repetunitis", "obsessive musical thought" and "tune wedgy."[7]
What tune wedgy do you have happening today??
Monday, August 16, 2010
Congratulations to Ola (Zuri) Szadiak - Again!
Yes, once again Ola has made us all proud to know her and thankful that she gives so much of herself to AFABC and our programs.
Ola has been honored by Scotiabank's "Her Success Her Way" campaign honouring women who have defined and achieved success for themselves either through support of their communities, commitment to their families, their service to the Bank or by balancing it all. Throughout the year twenty-four women will be recognized, 12 from Canada and 12 from international locations. Ola is one of only twelve Canadian women to receive this honor.
Ola has designated AFABC's True Colours Mentoring Program to receive $ 1,000.00 donation from Scotiabank.
Thank you so much Scotiabank and thank you Ola!
Ola has been honored by Scotiabank's "Her Success Her Way" campaign honouring women who have defined and achieved success for themselves either through support of their communities, commitment to their families, their service to the Bank or by balancing it all. Throughout the year twenty-four women will be recognized, 12 from Canada and 12 from international locations. Ola is one of only twelve Canadian women to receive this honor.
Ola has designated AFABC's True Colours Mentoring Program to receive $ 1,000.00 donation from Scotiabank.
Thank you so much Scotiabank and thank you Ola!
The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog
This book by Bruce D. Perry, MD PhD and Maia Szalavitz is one I've been reading all summer. Not that's it's a difficult read or too technical or anything...it's just I keep going back and re-reading different chapters after I've had some time to process them.
The tag line on the cover reads "What Traumatized Children Can Teach Us About Loss, Love and Healing". This book is a fascinating look into how trauma affects a young child, and how children can usually, but not always, recover.
Dr. Perry writes about his experience in the eary 1980's when the generally accepted thinking was that children were naturally resilient and could always bounce back from any trauma they experienced. However he soon realized that these children clearly weren't "bouncing back", and has since made it his life's work understand and help children cope with it in innovative ways.
Let me know if you've read this book and what you thought of it, or others that you've found helpful.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Back to School Routines Teleconference
Kelty Resource Centre
BC’s Mental Health Resource for Children, Youth and their Families
Back to School Routines Teleconference
Wednesday August 18, 2010 12-1pm
To join:
Dial in: 1866-265-1385 code: 604-7076370
Questions? Contact us:
Phone: 604-875-2084
1-800-665-1822
keltycentre@bcmhs.bc.ca
The transition back to school is especially difficult for kids with mental health issues. Learn practical tips for helpings kids wind down physically and emotionally by tuning in to our expert panel which includes a family member, a service provider and a pediatrician. Our panel will answer your questions during the second half of the presentation!
BC’s Mental Health Resource for Children, Youth and their Families
Back to School Routines Teleconference
Wednesday August 18, 2010 12-1pm
To join:
Dial in: 1866-265-1385 code: 604-7076370
Questions? Contact us:
Phone: 604-875-2084
1-800-665-1822
keltycentre@bcmhs.bc.ca
The transition back to school is especially difficult for kids with mental health issues. Learn practical tips for helpings kids wind down physically and emotionally by tuning in to our expert panel which includes a family member, a service provider and a pediatrician. Our panel will answer your questions during the second half of the presentation!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
How did it happen?
Once again my best intentions for blogging regularly have fallen by the wayside. So I'll try to catch up the best I can.
Rhianna was fab-u-lous! We had great seats (even when the security guy came and made us move to our real seats because I had read the ticket wrong because I didn't have my glasses!), and it was so great to see all the Harambee people in their bright green shirts rocking out.
The next day we headed out to Naramata for the afternoon/evening for dinner with the Paterson family. Perhaps I should back up a bit and explain why we weren't camping with the group since we've been going there for the past 11 years.
So here's the story...I didn't want to.
Last year's week long camping experience just about pushed me right over the edge. Between one kid who was "bored", one who was happy to just hang out with his two buddies, and one who required constant supervision it was exhausting. It's not that there's nothing to do, because there's lots of activities to join in and lots of other kids to hang out with; not to mention the beaches. But for my one daughter who struggles with most aspects of being away from home and all things familiar, it's exhausting to try and keep her safe. Plus the never ending cleaning, cooking, cleaning, cooking without a dishwasher, washer or dryer or my own shower, and a bed where the cushions keep separating....well I'm sure you can understand how the lack of quality sleep affects my ability to keep calm and be kind....day after day after day.
So this year we decided to give up our place on the senority list and not attend. And it was very odd to be there just for an afternoon/evening and not stay over.
Most importantly I discovered how supportive my Harambee family is no matter what. Everyone I spoke with understood my decision not to attend and although they have all soldiered through camp despite their own crises, they were supportive of my decision to stay home. Thank you for the hugs and for listening, and for your humor and support. I really needed it.
Oh and thanks for including me in the Rhianna concert.
Rhianna was fab-u-lous! We had great seats (even when the security guy came and made us move to our real seats because I had read the ticket wrong because I didn't have my glasses!), and it was so great to see all the Harambee people in their bright green shirts rocking out.
The next day we headed out to Naramata for the afternoon/evening for dinner with the Paterson family. Perhaps I should back up a bit and explain why we weren't camping with the group since we've been going there for the past 11 years.
So here's the story...I didn't want to.
Last year's week long camping experience just about pushed me right over the edge. Between one kid who was "bored", one who was happy to just hang out with his two buddies, and one who required constant supervision it was exhausting. It's not that there's nothing to do, because there's lots of activities to join in and lots of other kids to hang out with; not to mention the beaches. But for my one daughter who struggles with most aspects of being away from home and all things familiar, it's exhausting to try and keep her safe. Plus the never ending cleaning, cooking, cleaning, cooking without a dishwasher, washer or dryer or my own shower, and a bed where the cushions keep separating....well I'm sure you can understand how the lack of quality sleep affects my ability to keep calm and be kind....day after day after day.
So this year we decided to give up our place on the senority list and not attend. And it was very odd to be there just for an afternoon/evening and not stay over.
Most importantly I discovered how supportive my Harambee family is no matter what. Everyone I spoke with understood my decision not to attend and although they have all soldiered through camp despite their own crises, they were supportive of my decision to stay home. Thank you for the hugs and for listening, and for your humor and support. I really needed it.
Oh and thanks for including me in the Rhianna concert.
Monday, July 5, 2010
What a great opportunity!
Out of the blue my phone rang this afternoon with an offer of two free tickets to see the Rhianna concert tonight in Penticton.
It seems Rhianna has donated 225 tickets for the concert to the families at Harambee in Naramata, and there was enough for us to go too! My daughter is soooo excited.
I am floored by the whole thing. Tickets range anywhere from $65 to $300 and although I'm sure we have the $65 seats, I am thrilled to be included. Apparently it will be a great show, and Ke$ha is one of the openning acts.
So tomorrow I will report on the concert and tell you how great it was! Stay tuned!
"But why????"
Yes it's summer, so my kids think that the rules regarding the length of time they can spend staring at some kind of screen do not apply. If they had their way, they could just veg out in the living room all day long. Oh, and apparently if it's raining and/or cold and miserable outside it really isn't "fair" that the one hour of screen time per day still applies.
So in an effort to compromise and keep my own sanity, I will sometimes allow them to watch tv if they are doing something at the same time instead of just mindlessly watching some stupid episode of "The Suite Life on Deck" that they've seen at least 10 times already. The "doing something" can be drawing, building with Lego, puzzle making, etc. However throwing orange peels at your siblings and arguing over which one is Zack and which one is Cody and what their real life names are does not count as an activity.
And just for the record, eating is also not considered "doing something" while you watch tv. Because they would also eat all day long if they could. But no, not an actual meal or a sandwich. Nope because that would take time away from the tv to actually put a peanut butter sandwich together. It's much easier to take the box of cereal with you into the living room and eat handfuls of it directly from the box. Which of course then annoys your siblings and grosses them out so they can then yell "Mom he's eating cereal from the box again and that's my favorite kind but now I can never eat it again cause his slimy hands have been in there!"
And let's not forget the favorite trick of sliding granola bar wrappers and apple cores down the sides of the chairs and couches because then we don't have to get off our butts to walk the 10 steps to the garbage can.
Effective tomorrow, it will have been officially 7 days since they last saw the inside of the school. Only 7. We have a long way to go. But, on the bright side the weather is supposed to improve starting tomorrow so yea! We can actually go to the beach without hoodies and blankets! Tomorrow also is the start of the junior sprint triathlon training I've signed the kids up for. That will keep them busy (and hungry).
This weekend we're camping for two days in Oliver and then in another week or so we're heading to Vancouver Island for 5 days. Then it's soccer camp for one kid, and off to Kamloops for a few days of fishing with the grandparents. And before long the summer will be over.
It really does go by quickly...but some days can be very very long.
Friday, July 2, 2010
An interesting read...
This is one of the blogs I read fairly regularly, and I liked this article on the effects of praise on our adopted children. Let me know what you think.
http://perspectivespress.com/blog/2010/07/01/the-art-of-praising-your-adopted-son-or-daughter/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+PerspectivesOnChallengedFamilyBuilding+%28Perspectives+on+Challenged+Family+Building%29
http://perspectivespress.com/blog/2010/07/01/the-art-of-praising-your-adopted-son-or-daughter/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+PerspectivesOnChallengedFamilyBuilding+%28Perspectives+on+Challenged+Family+Building%29
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Que Sera Sera...
"Whatever will be, will be." That is my new motto of the day. At least that's what I'm telling myself over and over today as I struggle with 4 year old behaviors in an 11 year old body.
This particular child has been home for almost 9 years, and yet we still struggle with attachment. It's definitely improved since day 1,but for this child, it will always be a struggle. Having a diagnosis of an anxiety disorder, adhd, combined with alcohol and drug exposure and a "less than stimulating" first foster care experience is a really tough way to start your life. And those experiences stay with you forever.
Despite the commitment we've made to this child and the million different ways we try to demonstrate it, I know she doesn't feel that she fits in. How do I know this? Because she wrote me a note one time when she was really furious at me that said "I hate it here. I've always hated it here and I lie every day to you when I say I love you. I hate you."
She would never verbalize those emotions, but she was able to write them. She never gave me the note - I found it on her bedroom floor (but did she leave it there deliberately so I would find it???). I know of many parents that would be devastated finding a note from their child like that. I'm not devastated. I'm sad that she feels that way, but in a weird way I'm glad I found the note. At least she's able to vent her emotions in a way that isn't hurting herself or anyone else.
And yet, usually she's seems to be quite a happy kid and although she's very quiet she doesn't seem to hold a grudge and can go from mad, to sad, to glad in a very short period of time. She seems to get over things very quickly, which is probably her way of dealing with the emotions to just pretend they're not there and all is well with her world.
We've been working with a psychologist to try and help her become more verbal when asked questions about things she's done (good and not-so-good). It's going to be a long slow road for her, and for our family.
That's why I'm channeling Doris Day songs.
This particular child has been home for almost 9 years, and yet we still struggle with attachment. It's definitely improved since day 1,but for this child, it will always be a struggle. Having a diagnosis of an anxiety disorder, adhd, combined with alcohol and drug exposure and a "less than stimulating" first foster care experience is a really tough way to start your life. And those experiences stay with you forever.
Despite the commitment we've made to this child and the million different ways we try to demonstrate it, I know she doesn't feel that she fits in. How do I know this? Because she wrote me a note one time when she was really furious at me that said "I hate it here. I've always hated it here and I lie every day to you when I say I love you. I hate you."
She would never verbalize those emotions, but she was able to write them. She never gave me the note - I found it on her bedroom floor (but did she leave it there deliberately so I would find it???). I know of many parents that would be devastated finding a note from their child like that. I'm not devastated. I'm sad that she feels that way, but in a weird way I'm glad I found the note. At least she's able to vent her emotions in a way that isn't hurting herself or anyone else.
And yet, usually she's seems to be quite a happy kid and although she's very quiet she doesn't seem to hold a grudge and can go from mad, to sad, to glad in a very short period of time. She seems to get over things very quickly, which is probably her way of dealing with the emotions to just pretend they're not there and all is well with her world.
We've been working with a psychologist to try and help her become more verbal when asked questions about things she's done (good and not-so-good). It's going to be a long slow road for her, and for our family.
That's why I'm channeling Doris Day songs.
Monday, June 28, 2010
And now, the end is near....
...and today is the last full day of elementary school. Tomorrow they only go for half a day, and then another year is done. Sigh.
I suppose there are those parents out there who are looking forward to their kids being home for the summer, and those who dread it. This year, I'm neither. Perhaps my senses have been dulled by all the recent trips to doctors, emergency rooms, IEPs, sports days, track meets, assemblies, sleep over camps (I'm still trying to get those images out of my mind!).
My kids are now 10, 11 and 12. My oldest has been out of school since last Wednesday, and tomorrow morning we go back to the middle school for her awards ceremony. Oh, and to pick up her clarinet which has been sitting in the band room since last week. Oh, and so she can hopefully find her favorite grey vest that she lost a few weeks ago. (We each have our own priorities.) My middle daughter has her "leaving ceremony" today at the elementary school. And my son still has one more year in that school.
Last night at dinner my oldest commented how we will have attended leaving ceremonies 6 years in a row by the time all 3 kids have finished elementary school and middle school. Then we get a year off from ceremonies until the final round of graduations start. (At least I hope there's a full round of that!!)
When the kids were all pre-school age I never really could imagine that as they moved through the school system we would have these yearly repeats. The annual "Back to School bbq" at the elementary school is the same every single year. I have been to 7 of them in a row, so I do know what I'm talking about. The Valentine's Dance? Yes, the same every year. I know it makes it easier on the organizers (and yes I was on the PAC for two years and I wasn't about to re-invent the wheel either). But it's difficult to maintain the appropriate level of enthusiasm year after year after year.
When my kids were in the younger grades I always thought those older kids' parents were so jaded and unsupportive not to attend every function....HA! What did I know?
So today I will attend the leaving ceremony and take the photos and cheer for my middle daughter, and then next year I will do the same for my son. And then it starts all over again at the middle school.
And I'm NOT going to get all weepy. I won't focus on all the struggles she's had to overcome and how hard won all her successes are. Nope, not me. I won't get weepy.
Must be my allergies.
I suppose there are those parents out there who are looking forward to their kids being home for the summer, and those who dread it. This year, I'm neither. Perhaps my senses have been dulled by all the recent trips to doctors, emergency rooms, IEPs, sports days, track meets, assemblies, sleep over camps (I'm still trying to get those images out of my mind!).
My kids are now 10, 11 and 12. My oldest has been out of school since last Wednesday, and tomorrow morning we go back to the middle school for her awards ceremony. Oh, and to pick up her clarinet which has been sitting in the band room since last week. Oh, and so she can hopefully find her favorite grey vest that she lost a few weeks ago. (We each have our own priorities.) My middle daughter has her "leaving ceremony" today at the elementary school. And my son still has one more year in that school.
Last night at dinner my oldest commented how we will have attended leaving ceremonies 6 years in a row by the time all 3 kids have finished elementary school and middle school. Then we get a year off from ceremonies until the final round of graduations start. (At least I hope there's a full round of that!!)
When the kids were all pre-school age I never really could imagine that as they moved through the school system we would have these yearly repeats. The annual "Back to School bbq" at the elementary school is the same every single year. I have been to 7 of them in a row, so I do know what I'm talking about. The Valentine's Dance? Yes, the same every year. I know it makes it easier on the organizers (and yes I was on the PAC for two years and I wasn't about to re-invent the wheel either). But it's difficult to maintain the appropriate level of enthusiasm year after year after year.
When my kids were in the younger grades I always thought those older kids' parents were so jaded and unsupportive not to attend every function....HA! What did I know?
So today I will attend the leaving ceremony and take the photos and cheer for my middle daughter, and then next year I will do the same for my son. And then it starts all over again at the middle school.
And I'm NOT going to get all weepy. I won't focus on all the struggles she's had to overcome and how hard won all her successes are. Nope, not me. I won't get weepy.
Must be my allergies.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Silver Lake Camp - Day Two
It rained, it drizzled, it spitted, it blew. It SUCKED! Not only was I exhausted and deprived of good coffee, I was cold and wet. Oh I had a good coat and my hiking shoes and warm socks, but I was still miserable.
However I had the sense to avoid the child-raised-by-wolves at breakfast and skip the messy disgusting scene altogether. As I attempted to drag 10 grade 4 and 5 children down with me into misery, they persisted in having fun in the mud and rain, and that didn't stop them from canoeing or finding their way with a compass. Except of course for my daughter. "I'm cold, I'm tired." Really? Why on earth would you be tired?????????? "I don't want to do this." My response...suck it up princess. (You may have picked up on my lack of empathy here.)
By lunchtime there was a glimmer of sunshine and we parents huddled around it for warmth. It was our groups' turn to clean up after lunch and all the kids helped...except for....you guessed it....my daughter. I found her back in the cabin lying down on her bunk. By this point I have had all I can take from little Miss Sunshine.
So I proceed to tell her that from now on she will not be participating in her groups activities, she will be following me around to her brother's group so I can watch him having fun. And man was he having fun! By this time the gray skies were definitely lifting and I had hopes for a better afternoon. My daughter and I headed off the watch her brother in archery, but first she had to visit the bathroom "I'll catch up to you she says." Twenty minutes later I check the washrooms and she's leaning up against the wall half asleep.
I know you're all thinking that a kind and gentle mother would carefully carry her beloved daughter down to her cabin and let her sleep in her bunk. Then when the little princess has awoken from her slumber, we would have a lovely chat over a cup of tea and all would be well with the world.
NOT ME! Oh she went back to her bunk alright. Kicking and screaming while I made her pack up her stuff, and while I packed up mine. I found a spot where I could get a cell phone signal and called my husband to come pick us up. The party's over honey.
So while she fumed and cursed me in the parking lot, I went in search of my son and gave him the news that we were leaving. He was quite upset because he hadn't seen much of me the whole camp. So I reassured him that after he got home, we would leave her with Dad and he could choose an activity for just the two of us. That seemed to calm him down, and he went running off to the zip line. Then I found the teacher in charge and explained the situation. I asked her to take my place in the cabin so the other mom could actually get a good night's sleep and she would gladly do that for me. (I couldn't leave the other mom alone with those kids....).
While I waited in the parking lot for my husband to take me away from the misery, my daughter decided to apologize for not doing what she was supposed to. My response was...It's nice of you to apologize but it doesn't change anything. We're going home and tomorrow while your friends are still at camp, you can help me clean the house."
Finally my husband arrived and we headed for home. Her sleeping and me wishing he would drive faster. When we arrive home I headed for the shower and she headed for bed. Heaven. For now....
However I had the sense to avoid the child-raised-by-wolves at breakfast and skip the messy disgusting scene altogether. As I attempted to drag 10 grade 4 and 5 children down with me into misery, they persisted in having fun in the mud and rain, and that didn't stop them from canoeing or finding their way with a compass. Except of course for my daughter. "I'm cold, I'm tired." Really? Why on earth would you be tired?????????? "I don't want to do this." My response...suck it up princess. (You may have picked up on my lack of empathy here.)
By lunchtime there was a glimmer of sunshine and we parents huddled around it for warmth. It was our groups' turn to clean up after lunch and all the kids helped...except for....you guessed it....my daughter. I found her back in the cabin lying down on her bunk. By this point I have had all I can take from little Miss Sunshine.
So I proceed to tell her that from now on she will not be participating in her groups activities, she will be following me around to her brother's group so I can watch him having fun. And man was he having fun! By this time the gray skies were definitely lifting and I had hopes for a better afternoon. My daughter and I headed off the watch her brother in archery, but first she had to visit the bathroom "I'll catch up to you she says." Twenty minutes later I check the washrooms and she's leaning up against the wall half asleep.
I know you're all thinking that a kind and gentle mother would carefully carry her beloved daughter down to her cabin and let her sleep in her bunk. Then when the little princess has awoken from her slumber, we would have a lovely chat over a cup of tea and all would be well with the world.
NOT ME! Oh she went back to her bunk alright. Kicking and screaming while I made her pack up her stuff, and while I packed up mine. I found a spot where I could get a cell phone signal and called my husband to come pick us up. The party's over honey.
So while she fumed and cursed me in the parking lot, I went in search of my son and gave him the news that we were leaving. He was quite upset because he hadn't seen much of me the whole camp. So I reassured him that after he got home, we would leave her with Dad and he could choose an activity for just the two of us. That seemed to calm him down, and he went running off to the zip line. Then I found the teacher in charge and explained the situation. I asked her to take my place in the cabin so the other mom could actually get a good night's sleep and she would gladly do that for me. (I couldn't leave the other mom alone with those kids....).
While I waited in the parking lot for my husband to take me away from the misery, my daughter decided to apologize for not doing what she was supposed to. My response was...It's nice of you to apologize but it doesn't change anything. We're going home and tomorrow while your friends are still at camp, you can help me clean the house."
Finally my husband arrived and we headed for home. Her sleeping and me wishing he would drive faster. When we arrive home I headed for the shower and she headed for bed. Heaven. For now....
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Silver Lake Camp - Day One
I had this whole post written in my head, and as I started to write it for the blog I thought - no one is going to believe this actually happened. No one is going to believe the following:
1. That any sane person would knowingly attend camp two years in a row.
2. That even after having had many many many experiences where I had to pack up one or all of my children and leave an event early, would I accept the offer from another mom to ride with her.
3. That I would actually take the time to pack my son a bagged lunch like the other kids, when he would choose to spend his time running up and down the side of a mountain with all the other boys.
4. That I would actually be helping a group of ten grade 4 and 5 kids come up with a rap that included the name of their activity group "The Chippy Chipmunks".
5. That the only seat left in the lodge at dinner time was across from the "child-raised-by-wolves" who eats spaghetti and sauce with both his hands, and I was helping my daughter at another table so I got to sit with him.
6. That I would be foolish enough to think that by 10 pm, 13 grade 5 girls would eventually be able to settle down.
7. That one 11 year old girl could wake up throughout the night at regular intervals asking "What time is it?"
8. That one 11 year old girl with asthma could cough all night long as if she's been chain smoking for 50 years.
9. That my own daughter, despite repeated firm requests to go to sleep or lie quietly, has to go to the bathroom 4 times in one evening when she hasn't had anything to drink since 7 pm.
10. That my own daughter, despite repeated firm requests to go to sleep or lie quietly, can innocently claim that it's not her kicking the bunk above her. It's not her who is throwing her pillow at the bunk beside her. It's not her who is playing in the washrooms.
11. That I would not be able to follow through on my threat to take my daughter home immediately because I hadn't driven to camp.
12. That after a sleepless night, the only other adult in the cabin with me would NOT strangle the 11 year old girl who in response to the adult saying how inconsiderate she was to keep everyone up and how since she's been here before she should know better, replied in her rudest voice "No, last year we were at Circle Square Ranch."
12. That all this could happen before 7:30 am.
1. That any sane person would knowingly attend camp two years in a row.
2. That even after having had many many many experiences where I had to pack up one or all of my children and leave an event early, would I accept the offer from another mom to ride with her.
3. That I would actually take the time to pack my son a bagged lunch like the other kids, when he would choose to spend his time running up and down the side of a mountain with all the other boys.
4. That I would actually be helping a group of ten grade 4 and 5 kids come up with a rap that included the name of their activity group "The Chippy Chipmunks".
5. That the only seat left in the lodge at dinner time was across from the "child-raised-by-wolves" who eats spaghetti and sauce with both his hands, and I was helping my daughter at another table so I got to sit with him.
6. That I would be foolish enough to think that by 10 pm, 13 grade 5 girls would eventually be able to settle down.
7. That one 11 year old girl could wake up throughout the night at regular intervals asking "What time is it?"
8. That one 11 year old girl with asthma could cough all night long as if she's been chain smoking for 50 years.
9. That my own daughter, despite repeated firm requests to go to sleep or lie quietly, has to go to the bathroom 4 times in one evening when she hasn't had anything to drink since 7 pm.
10. That my own daughter, despite repeated firm requests to go to sleep or lie quietly, can innocently claim that it's not her kicking the bunk above her. It's not her who is throwing her pillow at the bunk beside her. It's not her who is playing in the washrooms.
11. That I would not be able to follow through on my threat to take my daughter home immediately because I hadn't driven to camp.
12. That after a sleepless night, the only other adult in the cabin with me would NOT strangle the 11 year old girl who in response to the adult saying how inconsiderate she was to keep everyone up and how since she's been here before she should know better, replied in her rudest voice "No, last year we were at Circle Square Ranch."
12. That all this could happen before 7:30 am.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Silver Lake Camp vs. Circle Square Ranch
I really really did NOT want to go to camp with my grade 4 son and grade 5 daughter. Last year I went with my older daughter and my middle daughter. You seen, grade 5 daughter is a type 1 diabetic and unless I go with her, she can't go.
"Can't her dad take her?" I hear you asking. Nope. Because the parent has to stay in the same cabin as her and 3,000 other grade 5 girls. (Ok so perhaps it's only 13 grade five girls, but it seems like 3,000.)
Last year we were at Circle Square ranch in Armstrong. But apparently they have closed down. So this year we were at Silver Lake forestry camp in Peachland. Let's analyze the locations, shall we?
On the plus side for Circle Square are the newer washrooms attached to the sleeping areas, unlike Silver Lake that requires a hike up the side of the mountain with only a flashlight to light the way.
On the plus side for Silver Lake is the fabulous food - seriously it was good and even included real salads. Circle Square seemed to have banned anything remotely resembling a fruit or vegetable. The coffee sucked at both places.
Silver Lake also has a newer lodge that includes a huge stone fireplace, and each cabin actually has a wood burning stove that were lit on the cold damp evenings. Circle Square ranch however only had baseboard heaters.
Critters were more plentiful at Silver Lake despite the attempts to keep them out of the cabins. It seems those devices that plug in to electrical outlets to keep rodents away don't work. (Nothing like hearing something scratching at the walls in the middle of the night!)
As for activities, Circle Square had horseback riding and a climbing wall. But I guess Silver Lake doesn't need a climbing wall because it's built on the side of a mountain!
Silver Lake had orienteering which was very challenging for many of the kids (and the parent helpers). Both camps had archery. Silver Lake actually does have a lake while Circle Square has a pool that isn't heated. Silver Lake offers canoeing and pedal boats and leeches are included at no extra charge. Circle Square has a BMX track, but at Silver Lake you get pond studies and fire starting as well as an obstacle course. Did I mention Silver Lake has a fireplace for those damp days when being a parent helper in the damp, rainy forest is less than fun. Plus, the kids arn't allowed in the lodge unless it's a meal time.
The staff at Silver Lake were crabbier than the staff at Circle Square ranch. Perhaps it's because the staff at Silver Lake had to have wildlife names like Grizzly, Cheetah and Bushbaby.
The staff at Circle Square had lots of field games that parents and kids participated in after dinner each evening. They were a blast! Of course, some of the teachers and the parents get just a tad too competitive. At Silver Lake they didn't have a large field to play games on, so yup, you guessed it. We had to play Flags running up and down the side of the mountain. Not a blast.
Stay tuned tomorrow, for our experiences on day one of Silver Lake camp. And try not to think about rodents scurrying around under your bed while you sleep.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
I wasn't always like this...
I'm positive there was a time when I was organized, when I was never late for anything, when I never ran out of toilet paper. I'm sure of it.
I distinctly remember having "it" together. I distinctly remember rolling my eyes at the whining and complaining of other women who couldn't seem to work full time and run their households. I mean seriously, how hard can it be? And as for those moms who chose to stay home with their kids instead of returning to work...what did they DO all day long?
Yes, that was before I had children. That was before, when I was younger. That was before,when all I had to concern myself with was my wardrobe and what I was going to do on the weekend. It's all a blur now.
I seem to recall(because my memory is not what it used to be...) that the official start my brain deterioration began when we first started looking into adoption. As we went through the home study process I discovered that I was starting to question the accuracy of my memories. My husband seemed to remember the same event completely differently than I. (Not saying that he's right, just...well...I highly doubt it!) Then as we began the wait for a proposal is when I noticed my mind wandering off when I should be concentrating on my job as an accountant. I would be listening to music and dreaming of what my baby would look like, and what clothes I would buy for him or her.
As the days and weeks passed I would spend the time alternating between day dreaming and becoming more anxious that it would never happen. When we were matched with a birth mom and she changed her mind, and then again it happened, is when I started going down hill fast. I realized how little I could control this process, so I began to find projects that I could control. My veggie garden was perfectly weeded. I reorganized, packed and labelled all our camping equipment. My house was spotless. And then the call came, and we were off to Chicago to meet our new baby girl. That was the end. And the beginning as my new world and new life as an exhausted mother began.
From then on it was a regular slide into short term memory loss. Oh sure, long term was still there - I could remember all the words to Hey Jude - but not what I was supposed to be getting at the store, or what day it was.
Fast forward twelve years to today when I discovered that my car insurance expired two days ago and I had been driving without insurance. In my previous life, that would never have happened. So now I have to ride my bike to town and renew it, but I can't find my cell phone, and what is my bike lock combination?
Can I get a brain transplant????
I distinctly remember having "it" together. I distinctly remember rolling my eyes at the whining and complaining of other women who couldn't seem to work full time and run their households. I mean seriously, how hard can it be? And as for those moms who chose to stay home with their kids instead of returning to work...what did they DO all day long?
Yes, that was before I had children. That was before, when I was younger. That was before,when all I had to concern myself with was my wardrobe and what I was going to do on the weekend. It's all a blur now.
I seem to recall(because my memory is not what it used to be...) that the official start my brain deterioration began when we first started looking into adoption. As we went through the home study process I discovered that I was starting to question the accuracy of my memories. My husband seemed to remember the same event completely differently than I. (Not saying that he's right, just...well...I highly doubt it!) Then as we began the wait for a proposal is when I noticed my mind wandering off when I should be concentrating on my job as an accountant. I would be listening to music and dreaming of what my baby would look like, and what clothes I would buy for him or her.
As the days and weeks passed I would spend the time alternating between day dreaming and becoming more anxious that it would never happen. When we were matched with a birth mom and she changed her mind, and then again it happened, is when I started going down hill fast. I realized how little I could control this process, so I began to find projects that I could control. My veggie garden was perfectly weeded. I reorganized, packed and labelled all our camping equipment. My house was spotless. And then the call came, and we were off to Chicago to meet our new baby girl. That was the end. And the beginning as my new world and new life as an exhausted mother began.
From then on it was a regular slide into short term memory loss. Oh sure, long term was still there - I could remember all the words to Hey Jude - but not what I was supposed to be getting at the store, or what day it was.
Fast forward twelve years to today when I discovered that my car insurance expired two days ago and I had been driving without insurance. In my previous life, that would never have happened. So now I have to ride my bike to town and renew it, but I can't find my cell phone, and what is my bike lock combination?
Can I get a brain transplant????
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Rehab...
"Welcome to day one of Taking Responsibility For One's self.
For those of you who think you are too young for this program....think again. It is my job, as your mother, to prepare you for the realities of the world.
For those of you who think you shouldn't have to be responsible for your self...suck it up princess.
It is clear that my constant reminding/nagging (depending on your own definition)is not increasing your success at getting yourself ready for school in the mornings.
So, welcome to my program.
We begin day one with a review of the goals, guidelines, ethics and best practices.
My number one goal, is for all of you to be able to get yourselves fed, dressed, washed, teeth brushed, and hair done with all your required materials, clothes, footwear, and food, out the door by 7:40 am.
I understand that your goal is to sleep in, watch tv, play your DS and do what you want. However you are in MY program. You are not allowed to have goals in MY program. At least not on a school day.
The basic guidelines are as follows: you will do what you are asked the first time.
As for ethics, I have none in this program. I will use whatever best practices I feel are necessary to ensure the goals are met. This may or may not include the following:
* earlier bed times
* removal of some or all electronic devices
* withholding of some or all of your allowance
* additional chores that include cleaning up dog poop
* having to spend all your time away from school as my constant companion
I understand you may start referring to me as Warden, and please know that I consider that a compliment. But you may want to remember that Warden is the one who makes your school lunch and even makes waffles for you for breakfast sometimes.
Please note that bribes will be accepted, with no guarantee of compliance on my part.
Your success at this program will be amply rewarded on a case by case basis. Such rewards may or may not include the following:
* later bedtimes
* having friends over and/or going to their homes
* regular allowance payments
* additional food items that include sugar, cream and chocolate
Perhaps you are wondering how long this incarceration will last...and the answer is...until you graduate from high school and move out.
Once you have been rehabilitated as an adult productive member of society, you may feel free to share the joy with your own children.
Love Mom."
ps. Don't think you can go over my head to the Superintendant. You already know he's just a figurehead. Besides, he's too busy watching the playoffs.
For those of you who think you are too young for this program....think again. It is my job, as your mother, to prepare you for the realities of the world.
For those of you who think you shouldn't have to be responsible for your self...suck it up princess.
It is clear that my constant reminding/nagging (depending on your own definition)is not increasing your success at getting yourself ready for school in the mornings.
So, welcome to my program.
We begin day one with a review of the goals, guidelines, ethics and best practices.
My number one goal, is for all of you to be able to get yourselves fed, dressed, washed, teeth brushed, and hair done with all your required materials, clothes, footwear, and food, out the door by 7:40 am.
I understand that your goal is to sleep in, watch tv, play your DS and do what you want. However you are in MY program. You are not allowed to have goals in MY program. At least not on a school day.
The basic guidelines are as follows: you will do what you are asked the first time.
As for ethics, I have none in this program. I will use whatever best practices I feel are necessary to ensure the goals are met. This may or may not include the following:
* earlier bed times
* removal of some or all electronic devices
* withholding of some or all of your allowance
* additional chores that include cleaning up dog poop
* having to spend all your time away from school as my constant companion
I understand you may start referring to me as Warden, and please know that I consider that a compliment. But you may want to remember that Warden is the one who makes your school lunch and even makes waffles for you for breakfast sometimes.
Please note that bribes will be accepted, with no guarantee of compliance on my part.
Your success at this program will be amply rewarded on a case by case basis. Such rewards may or may not include the following:
* later bedtimes
* having friends over and/or going to their homes
* regular allowance payments
* additional food items that include sugar, cream and chocolate
Perhaps you are wondering how long this incarceration will last...and the answer is...until you graduate from high school and move out.
Once you have been rehabilitated as an adult productive member of society, you may feel free to share the joy with your own children.
Love Mom."
ps. Don't think you can go over my head to the Superintendant. You already know he's just a figurehead. Besides, he's too busy watching the playoffs.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Consequences.....
Is it archaeology? Is it grave robbing? Or simply the result of having all your electronic devices taken away?
My son and daughter number 2 had a "less than" successful transition to bedtime last night. It involved throwing stuffed animals into each other's rooms and taunting each other with:
"You can't read that book - it's mine!"
"It's not your book, it's from the library! I can read it if I want to."
"No you can't!"
"Yes I can!"
"Then I want one of your books, and not those stupid princess or horse books. They're retarded and only babies read those!"
"Then here!" (She throws 4 paperback books involving princesses and/or horses into his room.)
"That's disgusting. I'm not reading those. Give me back my book!"
"No I've got it now and you're stupid".
"Well you're stupider. Either give me my book or I take your bunny."
"No, not my bunny!" (This was said in a whiny voice reminiscent of when she was 3. Just for the record - she's 11)
By this point, I had given up on ignoring them and had to go settle the dispute. Besides it was difficult to concentrate on the plot of Law and Order when chaos is reigning supreme.
I sent them both to bed without the books or any stuffed animals taken as hostages. And I promised them, that for the next day they would have tons of time to figure out this problem as they were banned from all electronic devices including but not limited to: DS, Wii, computer, television or their sister's iPhone.
So fast forward to today after school. My son has realized that because I'm not technically an Alzheimer's patient just yet, I have total recall of the previous night and have not forgotten my promise of no electronics. So he heads outside after consuming yet another $20 worth of groceries in 15 minutes.
We live on property surrounded by orchard so although the kids have to stay out of the fruit trees, they have lots of space to play soccer, or whatever game comes to mind. Today's imagination led him to start digging in the mud, and he found some bones. I tried to convince him that they were just chicken bones from someone's garbage that a dog got into, but he has an eye for detail and said "Mom, chickens don't have teeth or fangs." (I guess he really was paying attention when reading all those books about dinosaur skeletons.)
Of course his sister had to go out and help him uncover more bones - did I mention it was pouring rain at this point, and I had actually washed my floor this morning?
Within minutes they were back with more bones that suspiciously looked like they were from someone's cat. They of course were thrilled - me, not so much. (instant flashback to reading Steven King's Pet Cemetery).
And once again I had to intervene and spoil all the fun. Yes, that's me. The Fun Sucker. I can suck the fun out of anything.
And on and on it went. While I was trying to make dinner and help my oldest with her French homework, the other two were in his bedroom and all I could hear was crashing and banging combined with maniacal laughter. (I will not give in, I will not give in, I will not give in...)
And right on cue, my husband walks in the door and wants to know who's been digging in the mud over the septic tank. (As if he doesn't already know the answer.)
Me thinks it's time to put on the iPod and go for a long walk in the rain.
My son and daughter number 2 had a "less than" successful transition to bedtime last night. It involved throwing stuffed animals into each other's rooms and taunting each other with:
"You can't read that book - it's mine!"
"It's not your book, it's from the library! I can read it if I want to."
"No you can't!"
"Yes I can!"
"Then I want one of your books, and not those stupid princess or horse books. They're retarded and only babies read those!"
"Then here!" (She throws 4 paperback books involving princesses and/or horses into his room.)
"That's disgusting. I'm not reading those. Give me back my book!"
"No I've got it now and you're stupid".
"Well you're stupider. Either give me my book or I take your bunny."
"No, not my bunny!" (This was said in a whiny voice reminiscent of when she was 3. Just for the record - she's 11)
By this point, I had given up on ignoring them and had to go settle the dispute. Besides it was difficult to concentrate on the plot of Law and Order when chaos is reigning supreme.
I sent them both to bed without the books or any stuffed animals taken as hostages. And I promised them, that for the next day they would have tons of time to figure out this problem as they were banned from all electronic devices including but not limited to: DS, Wii, computer, television or their sister's iPhone.
So fast forward to today after school. My son has realized that because I'm not technically an Alzheimer's patient just yet, I have total recall of the previous night and have not forgotten my promise of no electronics. So he heads outside after consuming yet another $20 worth of groceries in 15 minutes.
We live on property surrounded by orchard so although the kids have to stay out of the fruit trees, they have lots of space to play soccer, or whatever game comes to mind. Today's imagination led him to start digging in the mud, and he found some bones. I tried to convince him that they were just chicken bones from someone's garbage that a dog got into, but he has an eye for detail and said "Mom, chickens don't have teeth or fangs." (I guess he really was paying attention when reading all those books about dinosaur skeletons.)
Of course his sister had to go out and help him uncover more bones - did I mention it was pouring rain at this point, and I had actually washed my floor this morning?
Within minutes they were back with more bones that suspiciously looked like they were from someone's cat. They of course were thrilled - me, not so much. (instant flashback to reading Steven King's Pet Cemetery).
And once again I had to intervene and spoil all the fun. Yes, that's me. The Fun Sucker. I can suck the fun out of anything.
And on and on it went. While I was trying to make dinner and help my oldest with her French homework, the other two were in his bedroom and all I could hear was crashing and banging combined with maniacal laughter. (I will not give in, I will not give in, I will not give in...)
And right on cue, my husband walks in the door and wants to know who's been digging in the mud over the septic tank. (As if he doesn't already know the answer.)
Me thinks it's time to put on the iPod and go for a long walk in the rain.
Friday, May 14, 2010
A huge SHOUT OUT to AFABC dedicated volunteers
"The world is hugged by the faithful arms of volunteers".
AFABC prides itself on being a "grass roots" organization, and one of our greatest strenghths is our volunteer base. Our True Colour mentors, our group facilitators and of course our peer support volunteers - my job is made so much easier thanks to all of you.
In Kamloops a shout out to:
*** Monica Sivertson - support group facilitator
*** Deanna Jones - play group facilitator
*** Hannah Temple - True Colours facilitator
In Nelson a shout out to:
*** Tamara Mickel - True Colours facilitator
In Vernon a shout out to:
*** Teresa Kisilevich - support group facilitator
In Kelowna a shout out to:
*** Ola Szadiak - True Colours facilitator
*** Laura Livingstone - support group facilitator, and play group facilitator
In Revelstoke a shout out to:
*** Vanessa Morrow - support group facilitator
And of course there are all the many other peer support parents throughout the region who always take a call from another parent looking to connect or to hear their real life stories. Thank you so very much for your courage and wisdom, and for sharing that with complete strangers.
Thank you - thank you - thank you !
AFABC prides itself on being a "grass roots" organization, and one of our greatest strenghths is our volunteer base. Our True Colour mentors, our group facilitators and of course our peer support volunteers - my job is made so much easier thanks to all of you.
In Kamloops a shout out to:
*** Monica Sivertson - support group facilitator
*** Deanna Jones - play group facilitator
*** Hannah Temple - True Colours facilitator
In Nelson a shout out to:
*** Tamara Mickel - True Colours facilitator
In Vernon a shout out to:
*** Teresa Kisilevich - support group facilitator
In Kelowna a shout out to:
*** Ola Szadiak - True Colours facilitator
*** Laura Livingstone - support group facilitator, and play group facilitator
In Revelstoke a shout out to:
*** Vanessa Morrow - support group facilitator
And of course there are all the many other peer support parents throughout the region who always take a call from another parent looking to connect or to hear their real life stories. Thank you so very much for your courage and wisdom, and for sharing that with complete strangers.
Thank you - thank you - thank you !
Thursday, May 13, 2010
True Colours - Zawadi
A huge thanks to the Victoria Foundation for Adoption Permanency who has generously chosen AFABC for a mini grant to start up our FOURTH, yes the fourth!, True Colours Group.
In addition to Kelowna, Kamloops and Nelson, Christine Beugelink and Shawna Vaandrager in Abbotsford are starting their Zawadi group.
"Our interest in True Colours stems from an increasing awareness of our families in finding innovative methods of helping to support our children as they grow. We also desire to be proactive, in building a supporting network for our children to connect with each other and positive adults of colour. We would like to make this program available to all families in the lower mainland who are parenting children of African heritage."
I am very proud of the True Colours Mentoring programs that started in Kelowna, and have gradually expanded into other areas around the province. None of it would be possible without the committment and determination of the parents and mentors who give so much of their time, energy and themselves to help support our children.
Thank you just doesn't seem to be enough.
In addition to Kelowna, Kamloops and Nelson, Christine Beugelink and Shawna Vaandrager in Abbotsford are starting their Zawadi group.
"Our interest in True Colours stems from an increasing awareness of our families in finding innovative methods of helping to support our children as they grow. We also desire to be proactive, in building a supporting network for our children to connect with each other and positive adults of colour. We would like to make this program available to all families in the lower mainland who are parenting children of African heritage."
I am very proud of the True Colours Mentoring programs that started in Kelowna, and have gradually expanded into other areas around the province. None of it would be possible without the committment and determination of the parents and mentors who give so much of their time, energy and themselves to help support our children.
Thank you just doesn't seem to be enough.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Fun for the whole family????
Doubtful.
How about family game night? Sounds easy right? Who doesn't have board games or even just a deck of cards? In our house it can be excrutiatingly painful to try and play even a game of "Go Fish" with all three kids and my husband. My ADHD son can't sit still and usually ends up rolling around on the floor on top of the cards, while FASD daughter can't remember who asked for which card and gets frustrated because she "never" wins. Typical daughter loses it when the others won't play by the rules, and I end up nagging everyone to "don't bend the cards" or "hold your cards up so no one sees what you have". Meanwhile, my husband is trying to watch the hockey game with the sound off and play at the same time.
Have you tried the games that include using the tv and a dvd? Who gets to hold the remote? Who can stop themselves from blurting out the answer to the question when it isn't even their turn? Who always presses the wrong button on the remote forcing the actual player to have to answer another question that they don't know the answer to but knew the answer to the first question?
So you may have guessed that group games aren't a strong point in our house, however games that only require two players are much more successful. Any two of us can get along enough to play almost any game. I've learned not to watch my two youngest attempt to play chess. If they want to make up their own moves for each piece, go for it. I really don't care if they play by the actual chess rules or not - but could they at least agree not to make them up as they go along?
Card games with my son are one of the best ways to help him focus when he's detoxing from him video games. He's very bright and quick to pick up on the rules, despite his inability to sit still. We'll play Crazy 8's, or War (his favorite because it never ends), Speed or Fish. Plus Grampa taught him Black Jack so he likes the idea of betting and winning pennies.
For my FASD daughter it can be tough for her to keep up mentally with everyone in a card game, so one on one with her works best. Of course if she's lost track of what we're supposed to be doing she decides to just play by whatever rules she wants to instead of asking for help. And if she's losing at any point in the game, she'll throw down her cards and yell "Winner puts it away!"
My typical daughter is a rule follower so there are no deviations or adjustments to any game. Especially with board games.
Then there's my husband who insists on reading the entire directions outloud(including the set up) for board games. If anyone interrupts him, he has to start over which drives the kids crazy cause they just want to play the darn game!
Of course I'm not innocent in all of this either. I like basic card games that I actually have a chance at winning. I don't let the kids win a game - they're way too old for that now. Crib takes too long and requires too much math for my liking. If I have to referree too many times during a game I'll try and end it quickly. I will always insist that the board game be put away in it's box properly with all pieces accounted for. (My typical daughter and I are anal that way!) If the games takes too long I get frustrated. I won't play a game that involves betting even if it's just pennies. (We can't use pretzels because I end up eating mine.)
So for now, I guess we'll never be the family on tv that plays nicely all together. We still have fun - it's just different fun for each of us.
How about family game night? Sounds easy right? Who doesn't have board games or even just a deck of cards? In our house it can be excrutiatingly painful to try and play even a game of "Go Fish" with all three kids and my husband. My ADHD son can't sit still and usually ends up rolling around on the floor on top of the cards, while FASD daughter can't remember who asked for which card and gets frustrated because she "never" wins. Typical daughter loses it when the others won't play by the rules, and I end up nagging everyone to "don't bend the cards" or "hold your cards up so no one sees what you have". Meanwhile, my husband is trying to watch the hockey game with the sound off and play at the same time.
Have you tried the games that include using the tv and a dvd? Who gets to hold the remote? Who can stop themselves from blurting out the answer to the question when it isn't even their turn? Who always presses the wrong button on the remote forcing the actual player to have to answer another question that they don't know the answer to but knew the answer to the first question?
So you may have guessed that group games aren't a strong point in our house, however games that only require two players are much more successful. Any two of us can get along enough to play almost any game. I've learned not to watch my two youngest attempt to play chess. If they want to make up their own moves for each piece, go for it. I really don't care if they play by the actual chess rules or not - but could they at least agree not to make them up as they go along?
Card games with my son are one of the best ways to help him focus when he's detoxing from him video games. He's very bright and quick to pick up on the rules, despite his inability to sit still. We'll play Crazy 8's, or War (his favorite because it never ends), Speed or Fish. Plus Grampa taught him Black Jack so he likes the idea of betting and winning pennies.
For my FASD daughter it can be tough for her to keep up mentally with everyone in a card game, so one on one with her works best. Of course if she's lost track of what we're supposed to be doing she decides to just play by whatever rules she wants to instead of asking for help. And if she's losing at any point in the game, she'll throw down her cards and yell "Winner puts it away!"
My typical daughter is a rule follower so there are no deviations or adjustments to any game. Especially with board games.
Then there's my husband who insists on reading the entire directions outloud(including the set up) for board games. If anyone interrupts him, he has to start over which drives the kids crazy cause they just want to play the darn game!
Of course I'm not innocent in all of this either. I like basic card games that I actually have a chance at winning. I don't let the kids win a game - they're way too old for that now. Crib takes too long and requires too much math for my liking. If I have to referree too many times during a game I'll try and end it quickly. I will always insist that the board game be put away in it's box properly with all pieces accounted for. (My typical daughter and I are anal that way!) If the games takes too long I get frustrated. I won't play a game that involves betting even if it's just pennies. (We can't use pretzels because I end up eating mine.)
So for now, I guess we'll never be the family on tv that plays nicely all together. We still have fun - it's just different fun for each of us.
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