Rehab...

"Welcome to day one of Taking Responsibility For One's self.

For those of you who think you are too young for this program....think again. It is my job, as your mother, to prepare you for the realities of the world.

For those of you who think you shouldn't have to be responsible for your self...suck it up princess.

It is clear that my constant reminding/nagging (depending on your own definition)is not increasing your success at getting yourself ready for school in the mornings.

So, welcome to my program.

We begin day one with a review of the goals, guidelines, ethics and best practices.

My number one goal, is for all of you to be able to get yourselves fed, dressed, washed, teeth brushed, and hair done with all your required materials, clothes, footwear, and food, out the door by 7:40 am.

I understand that your goal is to sleep in, watch tv, play your DS and do what you want. However you are in MY program. You are not allowed to have goals in MY program. At least not on a school day.

The basic guidelines are as follows: you will do what you are asked the first time.

As for ethics, I have none in this program. I will use whatever best practices I feel are necessary to ensure the goals are met. This may or may not include the following:
* earlier bed times
* removal of some or all electronic devices
* withholding of some or all of your allowance
* additional chores that include cleaning up dog poop
* having to spend all your time away from school as my constant companion

I understand you may start referring to me as Warden, and please know that I consider that a compliment. But you may want to remember that Warden is the one who makes your school lunch and even makes waffles for you for breakfast sometimes.

Please note that bribes will be accepted, with no guarantee of compliance on my part.

Your success at this program will be amply rewarded on a case by case basis. Such rewards may or may not include the following:
* later bedtimes
* having friends over and/or going to their homes
* regular allowance payments
* additional food items that include sugar, cream and chocolate

Perhaps you are wondering how long this incarceration will last...and the answer is...until you graduate from high school and move out.

Once you have been rehabilitated as an adult productive member of society, you may feel free to share the joy with your own children.

Love Mom."

ps. Don't think you can go over my head to the Superintendant. You already know he's just a figurehead. Besides, he's too busy watching the playoffs.

Consequences.....

Is it archaeology? Is it grave robbing? Or simply the result of having all your electronic devices taken away?

My son and daughter number 2 had a "less than" successful transition to bedtime last night. It involved throwing stuffed animals into each other's rooms and taunting each other with:

"You can't read that book - it's mine!"

"It's not your book, it's from the library! I can read it if I want to."

"No you can't!"

"Yes I can!"

"Then I want one of your books, and not those stupid princess or horse books. They're retarded and only babies read those!"

"Then here!" (She throws 4 paperback books involving princesses and/or horses into his room.)

"That's disgusting. I'm not reading those. Give me back my book!"

"No I've got it now and you're stupid".

"Well you're stupider. Either give me my book or I take your bunny."

"No, not my bunny!" (This was said in a whiny voice reminiscent of when she was 3. Just for the record - she's 11)

By this point, I had given up on ignoring them and had to go settle the dispute. Besides it was difficult to concentrate on the plot of Law and Order when chaos is reigning supreme.

I sent them both to bed without the books or any stuffed animals taken as hostages. And I promised them, that for the next day they would have tons of time to figure out this problem as they were banned from all electronic devices including but not limited to: DS, Wii, computer, television or their sister's iPhone.

So fast forward to today after school. My son has realized that because I'm not technically an Alzheimer's patient just yet, I have total recall of the previous night and have not forgotten my promise of no electronics. So he heads outside after consuming yet another $20 worth of groceries in 15 minutes.

We live on property surrounded by orchard so although the kids have to stay out of the fruit trees, they have lots of space to play soccer, or whatever game comes to mind. Today's imagination led him to start digging in the mud, and he found some bones. I tried to convince him that they were just chicken bones from someone's garbage that a dog got into, but he has an eye for detail and said "Mom, chickens don't have teeth or fangs." (I guess he really was paying attention when reading all those books about dinosaur skeletons.)

Of course his sister had to go out and help him uncover more bones - did I mention it was pouring rain at this point, and I had actually washed my floor this morning?

Within minutes they were back with more bones that suspiciously looked like they were from someone's cat. They of course were thrilled - me, not so much. (instant flashback to reading Steven King's Pet Cemetery).

And once again I had to intervene and spoil all the fun. Yes, that's me. The Fun Sucker. I can suck the fun out of anything.

And on and on it went. While I was trying to make dinner and help my oldest with her French homework, the other two were in his bedroom and all I could hear was crashing and banging combined with maniacal laughter. (I will not give in, I will not give in, I will not give in...)

And right on cue, my husband walks in the door and wants to know who's been digging in the mud over the septic tank. (As if he doesn't already know the answer.)

Me thinks it's time to put on the iPod and go for a long walk in the rain.

A huge SHOUT OUT to AFABC dedicated volunteers

"The world is hugged by the faithful arms of volunteers".

AFABC prides itself on being a "grass roots" organization, and one of our greatest strenghths is our volunteer base. Our True Colour mentors, our group facilitators and of course our peer support volunteers - my job is made so much easier thanks to all of you.

In Kamloops a shout out to:
*** Monica Sivertson - support group facilitator
*** Deanna Jones - play group facilitator
*** Hannah Temple - True Colours facilitator

In Nelson a shout out to:
*** Tamara Mickel - True Colours facilitator

In Vernon a shout out to:
*** Teresa Kisilevich - support group facilitator

In Kelowna a shout out to:
*** Ola Szadiak - True Colours facilitator
*** Laura Livingstone - support group facilitator, and play group facilitator

In Revelstoke a shout out to:
*** Vanessa Morrow - support group facilitator

And of course there are all the many other peer support parents throughout the region who always take a call from another parent looking to connect or to hear their real life stories. Thank you so very much for your courage and wisdom, and for sharing that with complete strangers.

Thank you - thank you - thank you !

True Colours - Zawadi

A huge thanks to the Victoria Foundation for Adoption Permanency who has generously chosen AFABC for a mini grant to start up our FOURTH, yes the fourth!, True Colours Group.

In addition to Kelowna, Kamloops and Nelson, Christine Beugelink and Shawna Vaandrager in Abbotsford are starting their Zawadi group.

"Our interest in True Colours stems from an increasing awareness of our families in finding innovative methods of helping to support our children as they grow. We also desire to be proactive, in building a supporting network for our children to connect with each other and positive adults of colour. We would like to make this program available to all families in the lower mainland who are parenting children of African heritage."

I am very proud of the True Colours Mentoring programs that started in Kelowna, and have gradually expanded into other areas around the province. None of it would be possible without the committment and determination of the parents and mentors who give so much of their time, energy and themselves to help support our children.

Thank you just doesn't seem to be enough.

Fun for the whole family????

Doubtful.

How about family game night? Sounds easy right? Who doesn't have board games or even just a deck of cards? In our house it can be excrutiatingly painful to try and play even a game of "Go Fish" with all three kids and my husband. My ADHD son can't sit still and usually ends up rolling around on the floor on top of the cards, while FASD daughter can't remember who asked for which card and gets frustrated because she "never" wins. Typical daughter loses it when the others won't play by the rules, and I end up nagging everyone to "don't bend the cards" or "hold your cards up so no one sees what you have". Meanwhile, my husband is trying to watch the hockey game with the sound off and play at the same time.

Have you tried the games that include using the tv and a dvd? Who gets to hold the remote? Who can stop themselves from blurting out the answer to the question when it isn't even their turn? Who always presses the wrong button on the remote forcing the actual player to have to answer another question that they don't know the answer to but knew the answer to the first question?

So you may have guessed that group games aren't a strong point in our house, however games that only require two players are much more successful. Any two of us can get along enough to play almost any game. I've learned not to watch my two youngest attempt to play chess. If they want to make up their own moves for each piece, go for it. I really don't care if they play by the actual chess rules or not - but could they at least agree not to make them up as they go along?

Card games with my son are one of the best ways to help him focus when he's detoxing from him video games. He's very bright and quick to pick up on the rules, despite his inability to sit still. We'll play Crazy 8's, or War (his favorite because it never ends), Speed or Fish. Plus Grampa taught him Black Jack so he likes the idea of betting and winning pennies.

For my FASD daughter it can be tough for her to keep up mentally with everyone in a card game, so one on one with her works best. Of course if she's lost track of what we're supposed to be doing she decides to just play by whatever rules she wants to instead of asking for help. And if she's losing at any point in the game, she'll throw down her cards and yell "Winner puts it away!"

My typical daughter is a rule follower so there are no deviations or adjustments to any game. Especially with board games.

Then there's my husband who insists on reading the entire directions outloud(including the set up) for board games. If anyone interrupts him, he has to start over which drives the kids crazy cause they just want to play the darn game!

Of course I'm not innocent in all of this either. I like basic card games that I actually have a chance at winning. I don't let the kids win a game - they're way too old for that now. Crib takes too long and requires too much math for my liking. If I have to referree too many times during a game I'll try and end it quickly. I will always insist that the board game be put away in it's box properly with all pieces accounted for. (My typical daughter and I are anal that way!) If the games takes too long I get frustrated. I won't play a game that involves betting even if it's just pennies. (We can't use pretzels because I end up eating mine.)

So for now, I guess we'll never be the family on tv that plays nicely all together. We still have fun - it's just different fun for each of us.

Outwit, Outlast, Outsneak

That's my new version of Survivor.

Outwit - My FASD daughter and her food issues, her stealing and her behavior. Food goes missing and is found in some nook or cranny of her room, despite being told that if she had a need to have food in her room, she must keep it on her shelf. She isn't supposed to have any fresh food such as fruit or yogurt on her shelf (or in her room)only pre-packaged food such as granola bars. But still, food in her bed, in her pants pockets, in her pillow cases, ______________ (fill in the blank)etc.

Outlast - My FASD daughter and her extremely immature behavior. From potty mouth to not sharing, to teasing her brother on the school bus ride home, and stomping off in a two-year old temper tantrum. (As opposed to the 11 year old temper tantrum.)

Outsneak - My FASD daughter and the sneaking/stealing of money from her siblings, the sneaking of food, the sneaking of anything of anyone else's that isn't nailed down.

I want to be voted off this island. Does anyone know where the hidden immunity idol is? I think my husband has found it already and is using it. It's disguised as the tv remote.

Perhaps I can get sent to Exile Island.

Finally a new post!

I know, I know, I've been ignoring my blogging for the past almost month. It's been absolutely crazy around here, and with work too. No excuse I know, but somehow the days got the best of me. But I'm baaaaack.

Things aren't any less crazy, but I'll soldier on through (like any of us have a choice about that eh?)

I was fortunate to attend a five day inter-professional conference in Vancouver during April on Adolescents and Adults with FASD. It was at the Hyatt downtown, but due to the high cost of accommodation there - $200/night not including parking or Internet access or taxes) - I stayed at my sister's place in North Van. Overall the conference was really good and there's some really interesting research being done at UBC on the gender differences between males and females with FASD.

Not surprisingly, much of the conference dealt with the realities of parenting long after other children have grown up and moved out. Nothing new there - most of us figured out a long time ago that some of our kids won't be transitioning to independence the way most do.

There was a great panel of adults with FASD who spoke about their stories and it was enlightening, fascinating, depressing and sad, all at the same time. Almost all spoke about one person who had stood by them after multiple failures that resulted in prison sentences, failures at school, drug addictions, violence etc. Some spoke with humor, others with anger, others with gratitude. Some were in their 20's while others were significantly older.

Many speakers at the conference focused on how important it is to get an FASD diagnosis for adults so they can have services and more importantly, an explanation for who they are and their challenges. But not everyone is willing to participate and because of the lack of information on a birth mother's pre-natal history, it can be very difficult to actually get an FASD diagnosis. So many resources and supports are dependent upon that diagnosis.

Add to all of this my daily commute to and from downtown via Hastings street, and you can imagine by the end of the day, I welcomed the calm atmosphere of my sister's home. Her and her husband are childless - he works from home as a computer genius, and she is a manager at BC Cancer Agency. Most evenings I sat on their very comfortable couch either reading, or we caught up on tv shows via the PVR. No kids to parent and referee, just the neighborhood kids and their antics. (I still don't understand why the two boys who live next door insist on peeing on my sister's rhododendron when they could walk 5 steps and pee on their own plants. Or here's a thought - go inside and use the washroom!)

The week ended with dinner out at The Beach House in North Van. OMG it was beautiful. And as we were walking in, celebrity sighting Sarah McLaughlin was walking out. (Of course she pretended not to know us and walked right by.) We passed on ordering the $1200.00 bottle of wine, but my pasta dish was the cheapest on the menu for $22.00. (I guess I'm not meant for the big city restaurants on my budget!)

I ended my stay with an overnight at my boss's house with several co-workers. We chipped in for pizza, drank wine, and ate chocolate.

Although I missed my family as I'm rarely away that long, it was a great conference and I'm still processing the information 3 weeks later. I figure it's probably a good thing that I can't see what the future holds for my daughter.