Isolation...

I'm one of those people who when they're stressed and overwhelmed tend to isolate myself from everyone and everything. I know it's not the "healthy" thing to do, but sometimes it's the only thing I can do.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who puts on their "socially acceptable" face, or as my kids call it "the nice mom voice" when other people are around. But there are times when I can't even manage to do that, so I stay to myself. And wallow. And have a full blown pity party. Which usually includes chocolate or other unhealthy food choices in quantities that would make Jenny Craig hurl.

Part of the reason I will isolate myself is that the energy level required to keep up the appearance that all is well in crazy town is more that what I have to give at that time. The other reason I've discovered, is that if someone who really sincerely cares, or "get's it" was to ask how it's going, I would fall apart completely.

But isolating myself isn't all bad. Not if it doesn't become habit forming. (Is there a 12 step recovery program for this??) It gives me time to have a therapeutic cry and then put things back into perspective. And it gives me the strength to put my big girl panties on and deal with reality. It also brings out my empathy for my kids who struggle, and for all those other moms who are struggling to hold it together while parenting some really challenging children.

I've discovered that for me, sleep is the best antidote. If I can get a really good night's sleep at least once or twice a week, I can function better, longer. That means getting to bed by 9 pm, falling asleep and staying asleep. My kids are usually all in bed and fast asleep (hopefully) by 9:30 at the latest. And that is usually my only time to sit and watch a tv show in silence. No one commenting on my choice of shows, laughing at the characters, etc. I don't even care if I've seen that particular episode of Law & Order several times. It's my time! And I don't have to think, or plan, or organize, or referee...just veg.

But last night, after a day of overwhelmingness (?) I made it to bed early, read 2 pages of my book, fell asleep and stayed asleep until the alarm went at 6:30 this morning. I know today will be a better day and I feel I have the energy to carry on. Jenny Craig can rest easy today.

Note to self...

Don't watch "The Blind Side" and read "Push" by Sapphire in the same weekend.

By Sunday evening I was a mess. I enjoyed The Blind Side, but I'm not so sure Sandra deserves best actress for it; perhaps the story should have been "best screenplay". I strongly believe that everyone needs someone they can count on and feel connected to for their entire lives, and Michael found his family. But as happy as I was for him and his family, my heart goes out to all those others who never find that. I couldn't help but get teary eyed for his birth mom, and the scene in the restaurant where he sees his brother. I think it was Big Mike's social worker that mentioned how whenever he would leave a foster placement, Michael would always go back to the projects to find his "momma". So many moments that ring true for so many of our kids.

I was also reading Push by Sapphire this weekend, and I haven't been able to finish it. Her story is horrific, yet she manages to survive. I know I won't be able to watch the movie "Precious" based on the novel. It's not that I want all my adoption/foster care/black stories to end happily ever after. It's not that I see what could have been for my kids. It's the level of suffering that so many children endure here in North America, where we're supposed to have it all. Then my mind goes to all the suffering of children around the world who endure trauma on a daily basis. Needless to say, I didn't sleep well all weekend.

So as I sent my own 3 kids out the door to school this morning, I reminded myself that I've made a difference in the lives of three children. Hopefully I'll sleep better tonight.

"FRO BRO" aka "The Hair That Walks"

My son's dream has come true. He has always wanted a "fro", and once spring break was over we took out his corn rows and voila, a fro. We'll see how long it lasts...the deal is he has to pick it out at least once a day or it goes back into corn rows. He's already taller than almost all the grade 4s in his class so now he must look huge. But he does love being the centre of attention, so there's no hiding now is there?

Spring Break - Week Two

Here's my family at the Olympic cauldron on the last weekend of spring break. We had a blast starting with a 4 hour shopping marathon at Metrotown in Burnaby. The next day it was the skytrain to Science World, OmniMax for a freaky movie about base-jumping and sky diving, then sky train to downtown to see some of the Olympic venues (and more shopping of course!). Then back to the hotel for some pool time. After that my husband took our oldest daughter to the Canucks game where Darcy Hortichuck personally gave her a practice puck they were using. (Apparently it helps to get noticed if you have Canada tattoos on your face and have Canadian flags tucked into your pony tail.) Although they had nose-bleed section seats they had a really fun time. Meanwhile the other two kids and I had a civilized dinner in the hotel restaurant then watched "Alvin and the Chipmunks - the Squeakwel" on pay per view in the room. All too soon it was over and time to head home and get ready for school the next day.

I can honestly say this was the first spring break that I thoroughly enjoyed and I really wasn't all that happy to see the kids go back to school. Although the house is neater and quieter while they're away all day, it was fun, yes actually fun, having them around all the time. They don't need as much structure around the snack and meal times, and they are also completely capable of making their own peanut butter sandwich for lunch. Plus they don't need constant supervision outside anymore. I do think the dog was glad to see them go back; she was exhausted from playing with them all the time.

I'm not out of job yet though. Someone still needs to set the timer for video game time, and to referee the arguments. And of course, I'm still needed for laundry duty. It's so nice to needed.

Spring break is over...sniff sniff....

I miss spring break. It's day three of the kids being back at school from having 2 weeks off. Where's the noise? Where's the constant mess on the kitchen counters? Why isn't the timer going off to signal the end of one kid's time on the video games, and the start of the next kid's time? Why isn't the door slamming and mud being tracked through the house? What is that I hear? The sound of music I chose being played while I work. Shocking! How did spring break go by so quickly?

I took the first week of the break off from work and got everyone caught up on dentist, doctor and various other specialists appointments. Oh don't get me wrong, I had big plans...my windows were going to be washed, I would sort through all the kids' clothes, my clothes, the shoes, and I even dreamed of putting away all the winter coats, boots, mitts, and other seasonal paraphernalia. Oh and I would also get all the files ready for the accountant for income tax. Did any of that get done? Well, um, not exactly.

I did manage to sort through all my shoes and take a substantial quantity to the thrift shop. What was I thinking buying red dress pumps? When would I ever have an occasion to wear them? I seem to recall a phase of watching "What Not to Wear" with Stacey and Clinton insisting that everyone needs a shoe with "a pop of colour". Clearly, I blame the media for influencing my purchases. And neither of my daughters would be caught dead wearing them either.

I had every intention of cleaning my windows, but there always seemed something better to do. Like take my kids on a hike up the mountain, or lie on the couch reading a book that usually ended up in a power nap. Oh and I did manage to clean out my entry way closets of the winter stuff that never really got used because we had so little snow this year. Phew! That was at least 30 minutes of my life.

And then somehow the week off was over, and I'm not sure how that went by so quickly, and yet so unproductively. Strange.

TRUE COLOURS - MEHABER- FAMILY CAMP

Come camping with us! All families with children of African heritage are invited to join in our first annual family camp. We're taking over Whatshan Lake Retreat (www.whatshan.com) and we'd love to see you there.

Whatshan Lake Retreat has generously offered up their entire facility for True Colours - Mehaber. We have reserved all the cabins and campsites for our families, as well as the Whispering Pines Concession. It includes a covered picnic area, refrigerators, freezer, cooler, microwave, outdoor grill and propane stove. Men's and women's washrooms with coin-operated showers are also included.

A camp fee of $50 per family has been added to the cabin/campsite cost to help with this expense. (If you are sharing a cabin with another family, please also purchase the family fee separately. All families participating are required to pay the $50 family fee.)

Your camp fee also includes a bbq dinner on Saturday night - hot dogs and burgers included - please bring a salad or dessert to share!

Note: All reservations MUST be done through www.afabc.eventbrite.com

For more information contact:

Tam Mickel, email: tamrekor@telus.net or

Dianna Mortensen, AFABC Adoption Support Coordinator, Interior Region

Toll Free 1-866-694-1222 or email: dmortensen@bcadoption.com

Ping pong, pie and spring break - week one

It was wonderful, glorious, yada yada yada...but the party's over and now it's back to work. I took the first week of the kids' spring break off and somehow it went by all too quickly. I was really really disciplined in not checking my emails, so now I have tons to catch up on, but that's ok. I needed the break, and now I actually feel like working again.

I can't tell you what exactly it was we did for that week, certainly my house isn't any cleaner, but it was so nice to have a break with my kids. My husband worked on and off over the week, but mostly we just hung out, went to dentist appointments, went shopping in Kelowna, did a Costco run, nothing too exciting.

I know it all sounds rather mundane and boring, but sometimes boring is good. Gone on are the days of my kids needing me to be there every waking moment to referee and help them choose something to do. Nor do I have to make their snacks and lunches every day. But they do need supervision, especially my one daughter who struggles the most with social skills, boundaries, etc. I don't know how many times in a day I say to her "MYOB", but I'm sure it's at least a gazillion. And I've also lost track of how many times I've confiscated my son's Nintendo DS and held it hostage until his assigned chores are completed properly.

My oldest needs to be reigned in on her Facebook time, so that's the bargaining tool I use with her. And she's also earning money to pay for her ticket to the Hedley concert coming up next week, so actually, some of the house cleaning is getting done.

And we did hike up the mountain the other day, we tried to go skiing but it was way too windy and cold, and we spent the weekend visiting my parents in Kamloops. My dad had set up the ping pong table in his heated garage, so the tournament was on! How come nobody plays this anymore? We played all the time when we were kids, and most of my friends' parents had ping pong tables too. (The rich friend had a pool table). The kids had a blast playing that game, and trying to beat their Grampa at crib.

And the best part, my mom made lemon meringue pie. It was soooo good. And ginger snap cookies, and some other kind of cookie that included pecans and coconut. Yes, I'm sure I gained 5 pounds.

So now, it's back to work, back to reality, and back to my treadmill.

Support for those who support others...

"Be brave my friend, you're stronger than you know". This was on a card I sent to a friend a few years ago when she was really struggling with her FASD son. And I always try, yes try, to keep that in mind for myself when I really struggle with my own emotions and the feelings that I'm not making a big enough difference in my kids' lives.

As women/moms/sisters/daughters/friends/wives/employees to other people it can seem as if we're the "rock" for everyone to cling to in tough times. But who do we cling to when we're having a tough time?

Sometimes it can seem that no one really "gets" our specific situation, or it can seem too overwhelming to try and explain it. Or it's too difficult to explain all the different aspects of our current crisis so it's easier to not say anything.

And do we rush out to ask for help? No of course not. We're strong women - we think we should always be able to handle anything and everything. But we are human, and it has taken the adoption of special needs kids to make me learn that it's ok to ask for help. I have had to learn though, that not everyone that I think will be supportive, actually is.

Have you ever heard "Well you wanted those kids, so what did you expect?" To me, that is incredibly insensitive and I want to scream "I still want my kids, I just need to vent about how tough it is!" Yup, it's easy to eliminate certain people that I thought would be more supportive than they turned out to be. Disappointing? Sure. But I like to think it's made me more efficient at seeking support, and it has honed my advocacy skills as well.

I'm fortunate to have friends and co-workers that I can rely on who will be there for me when I need to cry and vent. They don't need to know all the details of my current stress, but if I choose to share them, they don't sit in judgement and offer lame advice that doesn't apply. Thank goodness for all of them!

Right now, I'm heading out the door to hike up the mountain with a friend who has no concept of special needs adoption. I don't need her to be that. She gets me out doing exercise when I would rather be sitting on my butt feeling miserable. I will feel better after, and sometimes that's enough to lift my spirits and give me the strength to go back and do what I'm meant to do. Be a mom to 3 wonderful kids, and a wife to my wonderful husband. Oh yeah, and a friend/daughter/sister/employee.

MCFD Changes to Post Adoption Assistance

Yes, the rumors are true. MCFD has changed the process for families that will be accessing the PAA funding after April 1, 2010. Here's the link to check out all the details...

http://bcadoption.com/site_page.asp?pageid=42