"You couldn't handle my full attention..."

I love that quote from Dwight on The Office. That show always makes me laugh... and cringe.

What I love about that quote is that I could easily use it for one of my kids who is known to find all kinds of ways to get negative attention. When she does receive positive attention she doesn't know how to deal with it, and so the result is that usually she sabotages herself so then she receives negative attention. Makes perfect sense - if your brain is permanently altered.

Most people assume that positive attention and praise will encourage a child to continue the good behaviour. My daughter does not respond this way. She experienced a "less than stimulating" first two years of life and as a result is very anxious.

Another assumption most people make is that if we give our kids a choice, they will make good choices most of the time. Not so in our case. She has a very difficult time making choices even when there are only two to choose from. She seems to not be able to decide what she would actually want, or is too concerned with choosing what she thinks I want her to choose. Oh and let's not forget that she was affected by alcohol and has a slower processing speed and rarely learns from the consequences of her actions.

For example, if she is given the choice as to wear or not wear her winter coat in January and she chooses not to wear it, it's my fault that she's cold. But if we have a short discussion on how worried I am that she will be cold without it and I really want her to be warm and cosy, she responds with anger and refuses to wear it. Once again, my fault that she's cold.

Another way she tries to get attention is by acting much younger than her actual age. Now I don't mean that she has to actually act her age because she is emotionally delayed and her behaviors can generally range from 6 years old to perhaps a maximum of 9. (She's 12). What I mean is by talking baby talk and deliberately behaving as a much younger child would with temper tantrums etc. But if I parent her as that much younger child, she gets mad and says "I'm not a baby you know!"

Over the years we've learned to keep our praise for her very low key. When she was younger even a "high five" could throw any progress out the window. As soon as the words were out of our mouths "great job" we knew disaster would soon follow. While most kids thrive on the good feelings that come with having accomplished something, she never learned that at an early age. It has been a very long and slow process for her.

What does work for us is giving her a heads up that she'll need to decide on ...... in a few minutes so she can start thinking about what she would like to choose. For decisions that are a health or safety issue and we're not sure if she'll make the correct one, we don't give her a choice. "You must wear snowboots in the snow."

We also try to remember that no matter how long she has been with our family (9 years!), those first 3 years of her life take a very long time to overcome. If at all.

Patience, patience, patience.

Adoption Tid Bits...

...that's Tid Bits....not Tim Bits...sorry for any confusion...

I usually spend some time each week reading articles on current adoption issues, so I thought I should pass along some of the more interesting articles. Feel free to send me some of your favorite sites too.

Think think think! Teaching Kids to Think for Themselves - A Great New Year's Resolution for Parents http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/PerspectivesOnChallengedFamilyBuilding/~3/QR68gOUO2LY/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email


The Persuasive Power of Swearing
http://www.spring.org.uk/2010/10/the-persuasive-power-of-swearing.php

Youth and Teen Substance Use - Alcohol, Tobacco, Caffeine and Cannabis (Marijuana) www.keltymentalhealth.ca/substance-use

Parenting a Child Who Has Been Sexually Abused: A Guide for Foster and Adoptive Parents http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/f_abused/index.cfm


Also, check out my facebook group for parents of children and youth with FASD, for more interesting articles. AFABC FASD Parent Support www.facebook.com

And speaking of Tim Bits...it must be time for a snack.

My new keychain...

that I received for Christmas is the Vancouver Canucks logo that reads "Mom's Taxi". Before I had kids I would see these types of key chains and think, yeah right. That'll be the day that I spend time driving my kids everywhere. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Another example of how wrong I can be.

And my kids aren't really in any activities other than my oldest who is trying out for the district soccer team right now. But here's an average week...
Mon. - C has interval training from 6:30 - 7:30 pm (I drive)
Tues. - X has basketball after school until 3:30 pm (my husband picks him up)
Wed. - C has basketball after school until 4:00 pm (my husband picks her up)
Thurs. - C has indoor soccer from 6 pm - 7 pm (another mom drives her daughter and mine to this one)
Fri. - C has interval training and indoor soccer from 4:15 - 6 pm (I drive one way, another mom drives home)
Fri. - L has psychologist appointment from 4 pm - 5 pm (my husband picks up X from school at 2:40, then picks up L from school at 3 pm and makes the 45 min. drive to the appointment
Sat. - someone usually has a birthday party to attend
Sun. - we try to ski as a family

But of course, the above doesn't take into account early dismissal days for the elementary school and the middle school, doctor's appointments to re-new the prescriptions, trips to buy groceries, phone calls from the school to ensure L's diabetes is being properly managed, phone calls from C asking if a friend can come home after school with her, yada yada yada....you all know how it goes.

My calender is colour coded with each kid having their own colour, and before the ink from the printer is dry, there's usually something new to add, change or delete. I don't think the people who schedule the launching of the space shuttle are even skilled enough to take on the job of a mom or dad who has to juggle this stuff every day. (We certainly don't make the money the NASA people do!)


And yet we manage to run our households fairly efficiently (don't you dare walk on my clean floor!) even if it feels as if we're always behind on the laundry and the garbage can is overflowing. What do you mean we're out of peanut butter again?!

I would like to see household management as an University degree program with at least a two year internship and practicum requirement. And if you are already working in the field of household management you should be allowed to challenge the final exam and your years of care giving for children with special needs count as double time served. Then, when you are awarded your doctorate of household management you are automatically given a huge salary of a gazillion dollars with full benefits.

I'm afraid the wage would still work out to about $.03/hour.

My brain hurts...

New updates on the pages to the right, and on the www.bcadopt.com and on www.afabc.eventbrite.com

Phew! I'm exhausted. Three different programs, tons of information to correct/update/enter, and I am not even close to being a techy person. But at least it's all done now. I hope. And thankfully our new communication coordinator in Burnaby can go in and adjust all the fonts to make them look tidier. I hate when the fonts are different, but with our web content editor you have to know the super secret code to change the font. And apparently I don't have the classified clearance level to know this. (Or perhaps the communication coordinator knows my limits and doesn't want to have to go in and correct all the other errors I made including the fonts..conspiracy...?)

But be that as it may, you can now find out info on events, support groups, True Colours on all three above mentioned sites, and if you ever want to start another group or event anywhere in the region, just let me know.

New to 2011 is a scrapbooking/life book concept that is being added to the Kamloops True Colours sessions. Kids from 8 - 12 years old can work on lifebooks, or anything else about their adoption stories in any type of format including posters, with the help of Tammy, and adoptive mom with tons of experience in the importance of our kids' stories. Check it out at www.kamloopstruecolours.eventbrite.com

So now it's back to my paperwork for the rest of the morning...and how come it isn't lunch time already...I'm starving! Then on to a staff meeting via conference call at 1 pm, and then back to answering emails and dreaming up new and creative ways to support you. Let me know if you have any ideas - crazy sounding or not!

Will it ever end?

...That feeling I get when I hear someone I know is pregnant. How crazy is that? Seriously, I have no desire to parent another baby, let alone give birth to one.

And yet, there is still that loss that keeps creeping up on me and then slamming me in the face when I hear of a pregnancy for someone I know. The latest mom-to-be is at the perfect age for having kids...this will be their third...hahahahaha....and this was definitely an unplanned one. (Should have had that vasectomy eh?)

The mom is coming to grips with having another child just when she was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel for diapers, midnight feedings, and all the other parenting challenges. She's now much happier about it, but it threw her off for a few days, and weeks actually. She's an awesome mom to her first two, and I know she'll be great with this one too. And she has lots of support from her husband and her extended family. My oldest daughter babysits for them often and she'll be thrilled about getting to help with another new baby.

And yet for me there was this sense of loss, and "why does she get to be pregnant", an overall sense of discombobulation when she told me the news. Bizarre how that grief and loss can keep coming back at me even when I'm sure I'm done.

No, I will not become one of those parents who keep having children or become a "serial adopter" (you know who you are!). I am quite happy parenting the three kids I have. And I can always get my baby "fix" from other younger moms and their kids.

But I sure wish this feeling of being left out, of missing out on something, of wanting to have had that experience, would go away. Permanently.

(the photo is of my grand daughter Nevaeh)

My stash - I found it!

So here I am at 7:30 pm trying to finish off my stats for the last quarter when the craving sets in. And suddenly I remember! I stashed some Purdy's dark chocolate pretzels in my file cabinet so I wouldn't eat them all over Christmas.

It's not Christmas anymore. So that makes them fair game right? Right? I'll just have few and then put the rest away and go back to work.

But the incredibly decadent taste of salt, dark chocolate and pretzel all mixed together is too hard to resist. I'll just have a few more...just a few and then save the rest for later.

Ok now it's later. What?? How did I eat the whole 100 gm bag? Ok so let's read the nutrition facts shall we.

Per 6 pieces which equals 33 gm....150 calories...but there are 2, yes 2 whole gms of fibre in each of those 6 pieces. So with a little bit of math skills here that adds up to approx. 6 grams of fibre! Oh yeah, and 450 calories. How long will that take me to burn off on the treadmill tomorrow? Yup I'm thinking if I stay on the treadmill running all day tomorrow I might burn it off. But that means I would have to clear off stuff currently on the treadmill. And then it is kinda dusty and needs a good wipe down. Hmmmm would cleaning off the treadmill actually burn enough calories so I wouldn't have to run on it?? I can only dream.

Now I can't focus on updating my month end reports...I feel kind of guilty....but not that guilty. I did go skiing today, but I was working until 10 pm last night. But did the skiing today burn off the 450 calories in advance...does it work like that? And I have been diligently working since about 2:00 this afternoon except for a few hours off the clean the fridge, the water dispenser and make dinner. And of course helping my daughter come up with a science fair project, enforcing the "you must read a chapter book for 30 min. before you use the computer" rule to my son, and let's not forget the many times I had to tell my other daughter to "go get the dictionary" instead of her asking how to spell every second word in her english assignment, her saying she doesn't have one, me saying she does in fact have two of them on her bookshelf, her trying to argue with me about it, me not arguing, her finally making a dramatic display of stomping into her room to get it, then pretending she can't find any of the words in the dictionary, and then me going downstairs to work in a less distracting environment, and then me remembering about my chocolate covered pretzel stash.

Phew! I'm exhausted and feeling the sugar buzz/crash. I better go make some tea. Perhaps another trip up the stairs and back down again will burn another 3 calories.

I can only dream.

Back to work...

Did the holidays go by quickly for you, or did it seem to drag? Mine went by quite quickly and after all the hustle and bustle of Adoption Awareness month, I sure needed the break.

Speaking of Adoption Awareness month, in the next few posts over the next few days, I'll be adding some photos and letting you know how the events went.

But today is all about catching up on the paperwork and reports. And me trying to re-focus my brain to work again. Speaking of focussing, have you ever heard of "zentangles"? My sister is quite into this, and we got my middle daughter started on it too.

Here's a description from one of the websites:

Zentangle is an easy to learn method of creating beautiful images from repetitive patterns. It is a fascinating new art form that is fun and relaxing. It increases focus and creativity. Zentangle provides artistic satisfaction and an increased sense of personal well being. Zentangle is enjoyed by a wide range of skills and ages and is used in many fields of interest.

It's very cool, and very very good for kids with ADHD as it gives them something to do while relaxing them. My daughter loves it, and the great thing is it's portable, inexpensive (all you need is paper and a pen) and there's no right or wrong way to do it.

Check out this website (and there are many more to choose from) http://www.zentangle.com/index.php

Speaking of crafty things, both my daughters received Doodlearts - the full size ones! I used to love these back in the day and I'm glad they're available again. Hours of colouring, which I love. See, I really miss the days of colouring with crayons in colouring books as I did with my kids when they were much younger. And now, thanks to Doodleart, I get to colour with them again.

I also gave my daughters funky looking pocket size puzzle books. One got Sudoku and the other got Logic puzzles. My oldest daughter is gifted and she loves logic puzzles. It's freaky how she can have the patience to figure them out - it drives me insane! Plus she got another Professor Layton game for her DS which is also all logic puzzles.

Oh and I didn't forget about my son. He's not really into any kind of typical puzzles but my husband found a Meccano set for him and he spent quite a bit of time doing that. Everything for him right now is about video games. Actually it's been that way for quite a long time, come to think of it. But when he's banned from video games he spends lots of time drawing the characters from them. Or reading graphic novels about them. Can you tell he's a ten year old boy?

And speaking of losing focus, I'm supposed to be writing about something else aren't I? Perhaps I should go do some zentangles to clear my mind....?