We ordered in Chinese food last night and of course the highlight is always the fortune cookie. Here's what mine said "The world will soon be ready to receive your talent." I made everyone listen while I read it out, bragging that I do actually have talent. (I'm not quite sure what that talent is but...) Of course then Mr. Smarty Pants (my husband) had to remind everyone that the world will SOON be ready. In other words, the world isn't ready just yet for my talent. Sheesh! What a party pooper!
It was supposed to be my daughter's belated birthday party from mid May, and it took until June for an evening to free up for us and for her friends to all get together. She turned 11 and we can forget the themed birthday parties. She's way too cool for anything ordinary. (Or at least she thinks she's too cool.) It was also my step-daughter's 31st birthday so her family including my two grand daughters, ages 3 and 3 months, oh yeah and her husband, were there too. My step daughter Michele is a fantastic photographer (check out her blog at www.micheledyson.blogspot.com) and she offered to do a photo shoot for my daughter and her friends. Which of course they thought was a great idea.
So each girl brought two outfits for the shoot, and there was alot of clothes swapping going on. Michele is the queen of parties and she loved doing the shoot, and of course the girls all think she is incredibly cool.
As the parents were dropping their daughters off for the party, one of the moms took me up on the offer for a cold beverage. So before long, the rest of their family were joining in and as usual, we had a housefull. I know there are people who cringe at the thought of unexpected company, or who have to have everything in it's place before anyone else sees their home. Not us. I love having the type of home that is always open to my kids' friends and open for impromptu get togethers.
It's a fond memory I have from my childhood that I was always welcome to have sleepovers and I usually had 4 or 5 girlfriends camping out with me in our basement rec room all through school. We sing along to Barry Manilow and the BeeGees (using our curling irons for microphones) eat junk food and discuss everything. I want my kids to have those fond memories too - except the Barry Manilow part.
For my one daughter who struggles socially it's a hard one to accomplish. She rarely gets invited over to a friend's house, and far too often, her offers to kids to come to our house go unanswered. But it doesn't seem to bother her. It really doesn't. And it's taken me alot of years to understand that if it doesn't bother her, it really shouldn't bother me either. Not that I want my kids to be the most popular kid at school, but I do want them to have a good group of friends. For two out of the three, that happens. I'm trying not to "borrow trouble" as they say, and look too far down the road into the future, worrying about my child with FASD and what will happen as she heads to middle school and then on to high school.
As a friend of mine once said "Don't go into the light..." I try to remember those words of wisdom when I start obsessing about my kids and the future.
Welcome to the AFABC Interior Region Blog. Check back here often for resources, events, and discussions on contemporary adoption issues.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
It's pedicure day!!
Yea! Yea! Yea! It's finally the day I get to have a pedicure! I'm so excited - how sad is that? I've been waiting for this appointment for two weeks and finally the day is here.
I always seem to put hair appointments, pedicures, etc. at the bottom of my priority list. Everyone else's appointments always seem to supercede mine. But I guess that's because I let that happen isn't it? I hate the part that I'm responsible for putting myself last. Couldn't someone else look after me for a change? Clearly, that's not going to happen.
Self care is really hard to do when we're programmed as a mom to do all these things for our children first and to put ourselves last. No one ever said "put yourself last" but the implications are always that if you're a "good" mom, your children always come first. We're made to feel that getting a pedicure is a luxury and we can only do this is everyone else and everything else is already looked after. And I hate that. But I've bought into all of that too.
There's also that feeling of because I'm an adoptive mom that I should be willing to make all these incredible sacrifices for my children. Because I've taken on these challenged and challenging children, I must be some kind of hero, so therefore that makes me prime martyr material. I am so over that! Thank goodness. But it took me quite awhile to recognize that I was feeding into that stereotype by always putting myself last.
For a few years there, I was only spending time on myself after the kids had been put to bed after a day of getting all my attention, after the housework had been done, etc. As you can well imagine, there was no time for my husband or for me. I'd fall into bed mentally and physically exhausted. So over the years the kids have survived quite nicely without me being their constant companion and playmate and my house will never win the best housekeeping award. And now I feel ok about taking time for me. At least most days I do.
Which makes me think we need a new poll question - check it out and vote!
I always seem to put hair appointments, pedicures, etc. at the bottom of my priority list. Everyone else's appointments always seem to supercede mine. But I guess that's because I let that happen isn't it? I hate the part that I'm responsible for putting myself last. Couldn't someone else look after me for a change? Clearly, that's not going to happen.
Self care is really hard to do when we're programmed as a mom to do all these things for our children first and to put ourselves last. No one ever said "put yourself last" but the implications are always that if you're a "good" mom, your children always come first. We're made to feel that getting a pedicure is a luxury and we can only do this is everyone else and everything else is already looked after. And I hate that. But I've bought into all of that too.
There's also that feeling of because I'm an adoptive mom that I should be willing to make all these incredible sacrifices for my children. Because I've taken on these challenged and challenging children, I must be some kind of hero, so therefore that makes me prime martyr material. I am so over that! Thank goodness. But it took me quite awhile to recognize that I was feeding into that stereotype by always putting myself last.
For a few years there, I was only spending time on myself after the kids had been put to bed after a day of getting all my attention, after the housework had been done, etc. As you can well imagine, there was no time for my husband or for me. I'd fall into bed mentally and physically exhausted. So over the years the kids have survived quite nicely without me being their constant companion and playmate and my house will never win the best housekeeping award. And now I feel ok about taking time for me. At least most days I do.
Which makes me think we need a new poll question - check it out and vote!
Thursday's adventures
I spent yesterday away from my computer (and I survived!) on a trip to Kamloops that started at 7:00 am and finished at 9:30 pm. A very long, but productive kind of day. Kamloops is about 3 hours from my house and it was a beautiful morning for a drive. I plugged in my Ipod, turned up the volume, and set the cruise control.
My first meeting was with the MCFD adoption and guardianship team and it was great to finally meet some of the workers I'd been emailing and playing phone tag with. I gave them all some of the new AFABC posters to brighten up their drab offices and waiting areas, and we talked about all the great things we've planned for the Kamloops area. Plus they had some suggestions for me and it was great to get that feedback. (They have cookies and fruit at their team meetings.)
From there it was off to meet my intrepid volunteer in Kamloops, Susan Britton and have lunch at a Greek restaurant. From there we drove around and checked out locations for a playgroup (found a great one at the YMCA Child Care Resource & Referral centre up on Hugh Allen Drive). Then it was over to the North Shore to check out the location for our workshop and spaghetti dinner in November, and McDonald Park the location for our picnic in August. We also did a drive-by of the Boys and Girls Clubs McArthur Park location as a possibility for the True Colours program we want to get going in the fall. Then it was back downtown to check out the YMCA location for their after school programs. By the time we finished there we were in desperate need of a cool drink - it was 35 C. We headed to Zacks' for an iced tea and who did we run into, but Coreena McBurnie who used to be the Adoption Support Coordinator for Kamloops! How did her kids get to be so big? It ws great to re-connect with her and she's excited about getting back involved with AFABC.
So by the time Susan and I finished our iced teas I hiked back to my car in the scorching heat and headed out of town to my sister-in-law's place in Vernon for a steak dinner. (Meanwhile my husband is at home making scrambled eggs on toast for dinner.) I had this delusion that I would have time to stop and get groceries on my way home from Vernon, but by the time I left there at 8 pm there was no way I had the energy to stop at the Super Store. I guess I'll have fun with that today. Oh yeah, that reminds me, she gave me some tomato plants - I better go get those right now before they dehydrate in my car!
My first meeting was with the MCFD adoption and guardianship team and it was great to finally meet some of the workers I'd been emailing and playing phone tag with. I gave them all some of the new AFABC posters to brighten up their drab offices and waiting areas, and we talked about all the great things we've planned for the Kamloops area. Plus they had some suggestions for me and it was great to get that feedback. (They have cookies and fruit at their team meetings.)
From there it was off to meet my intrepid volunteer in Kamloops, Susan Britton and have lunch at a Greek restaurant. From there we drove around and checked out locations for a playgroup (found a great one at the YMCA Child Care Resource & Referral centre up on Hugh Allen Drive). Then it was over to the North Shore to check out the location for our workshop and spaghetti dinner in November, and McDonald Park the location for our picnic in August. We also did a drive-by of the Boys and Girls Clubs McArthur Park location as a possibility for the True Colours program we want to get going in the fall. Then it was back downtown to check out the YMCA location for their after school programs. By the time we finished there we were in desperate need of a cool drink - it was 35 C. We headed to Zacks' for an iced tea and who did we run into, but Coreena McBurnie who used to be the Adoption Support Coordinator for Kamloops! How did her kids get to be so big? It ws great to re-connect with her and she's excited about getting back involved with AFABC.
So by the time Susan and I finished our iced teas I hiked back to my car in the scorching heat and headed out of town to my sister-in-law's place in Vernon for a steak dinner. (Meanwhile my husband is at home making scrambled eggs on toast for dinner.) I had this delusion that I would have time to stop and get groceries on my way home from Vernon, but by the time I left there at 8 pm there was no way I had the energy to stop at the Super Store. I guess I'll have fun with that today. Oh yeah, that reminds me, she gave me some tomato plants - I better go get those right now before they dehydrate in my car!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
No one said it would be easy...
"Becoming an adoptive family is a wonderful process, full of many rewards for all
concerned. Yet maintaining the adoptive family can pose many challenges,
especially when one or more of the children who were adopted have special
needs.
Adoptive parents of children with special needs rarely expect to see the amount
of disturbance their children display. These parents may feel overwhelmed by
the many needs of their children, having to expend significant energy - both
emotional and physical - dealing with them."
This is from an article I was reading from a US based adoption education program called Taplink. When I read those two paragraphs it reminded me of when we were considering adopting one or two more children. Our first adoption went relatively well and adding more kids didn't really seem like it would be all THAT hard. (ha ha ha). Boy was I naive.
It didn't matter how much research I had done, how many education courses I did, or how many experienced adoptive parents I spoke with...I had no idea it would be so hard. I mean, no one said it would be easy, but I really had no idea it could be so hard.
Now, one would think that because of the job I do I would have a better understanding of what we were getting ourselves into. I thought I did have a good idea of what we were getting ourselves into. Yeah, but the reality of dealing with the day to day, minute by minute, blow by blow stuff is what I wasn't prepared for. I thought I was, but until you actually live the full experience, no one is really prepared. Because how could any of us possibly know what exactly our children bring to our families? They don't even know themselves, and it takes committed "throw-yourself-in-front-of-the-train" type of parents to navigate the unknown territory.
Besides, if any of use really knew exactly what our children would bring with them, in all the gory details, would we choose to parent? Possibly. Possibly not though. When I look back and think about the paperwork we waded through for our sibling group I realize now how much of the real information was missing. But the kids were little, and who knew all these issues would crop up. We never thought the kids would magically overcome everything because "we" adopted them. We knew it was going to be tough slog. And it's a good thing we didn't know all the things we know now. I knew we could handle the "big picture" long term stuff.
What I really wasn't prepared for was the emotional exhaustion. The days when just trying to get three kids under the age of four ready to go out the door in the middle of winter was physical exhaustion. That was something that could be solved with better prep and scheduling. The emotional exhaustion however was, and is, something that can overwhelm me at times.
For example yesterday was a day when my brain was desperately trying to shut down. The garbage and recycling didn't make it to the end of the driveway in time for the garbage truck because I took the word of my ADHD child that it was done and I didn't actually check to be sure it was at the END of the driveway. My FASD/ADD child once again was in a mad panic because something needed to be signed last week and it was just found under the bed. Again, my fault because I hadn't checked the homework book. Meanwhile my other child is melting down because "I lost my new sunglasses". Now this is not my fault, but I have to put up with the fallout.
I get so very tired of having to be the external brain for my children. There are days when it is tough enough just dealing with my own brain because of lack of sleep or whatever. Then add in that my brain needs to function for at least two other people and I am emotionally exhausted. I know it's part of my job, and I know not all days are this crazy, but there are moments, (sometimes hours) when I would gladly get on that space shuttle and blast out of here.
But for now I must leave the sanity of my office and head down to the school for a meeting with the principal. This should be "fun".
concerned. Yet maintaining the adoptive family can pose many challenges,
especially when one or more of the children who were adopted have special
needs.
Adoptive parents of children with special needs rarely expect to see the amount
of disturbance their children display. These parents may feel overwhelmed by
the many needs of their children, having to expend significant energy - both
emotional and physical - dealing with them."
This is from an article I was reading from a US based adoption education program called Taplink. When I read those two paragraphs it reminded me of when we were considering adopting one or two more children. Our first adoption went relatively well and adding more kids didn't really seem like it would be all THAT hard. (ha ha ha). Boy was I naive.
It didn't matter how much research I had done, how many education courses I did, or how many experienced adoptive parents I spoke with...I had no idea it would be so hard. I mean, no one said it would be easy, but I really had no idea it could be so hard.
Now, one would think that because of the job I do I would have a better understanding of what we were getting ourselves into. I thought I did have a good idea of what we were getting ourselves into. Yeah, but the reality of dealing with the day to day, minute by minute, blow by blow stuff is what I wasn't prepared for. I thought I was, but until you actually live the full experience, no one is really prepared. Because how could any of us possibly know what exactly our children bring to our families? They don't even know themselves, and it takes committed "throw-yourself-in-front-of-the-train" type of parents to navigate the unknown territory.
Besides, if any of use really knew exactly what our children would bring with them, in all the gory details, would we choose to parent? Possibly. Possibly not though. When I look back and think about the paperwork we waded through for our sibling group I realize now how much of the real information was missing. But the kids were little, and who knew all these issues would crop up. We never thought the kids would magically overcome everything because "we" adopted them. We knew it was going to be tough slog. And it's a good thing we didn't know all the things we know now. I knew we could handle the "big picture" long term stuff.
What I really wasn't prepared for was the emotional exhaustion. The days when just trying to get three kids under the age of four ready to go out the door in the middle of winter was physical exhaustion. That was something that could be solved with better prep and scheduling. The emotional exhaustion however was, and is, something that can overwhelm me at times.
For example yesterday was a day when my brain was desperately trying to shut down. The garbage and recycling didn't make it to the end of the driveway in time for the garbage truck because I took the word of my ADHD child that it was done and I didn't actually check to be sure it was at the END of the driveway. My FASD/ADD child once again was in a mad panic because something needed to be signed last week and it was just found under the bed. Again, my fault because I hadn't checked the homework book. Meanwhile my other child is melting down because "I lost my new sunglasses". Now this is not my fault, but I have to put up with the fallout.
I get so very tired of having to be the external brain for my children. There are days when it is tough enough just dealing with my own brain because of lack of sleep or whatever. Then add in that my brain needs to function for at least two other people and I am emotionally exhausted. I know it's part of my job, and I know not all days are this crazy, but there are moments, (sometimes hours) when I would gladly get on that space shuttle and blast out of here.
But for now I must leave the sanity of my office and head down to the school for a meeting with the principal. This should be "fun".
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
I.E.P.
I don't know if any other three letters can raise my stress levels as high as IEP can. Does anyone like attending these meetings? Most times it feels like an exercise in frustration and futility.
And actually, my upcoming IEP meeting next Monday is rather pointless because the original IEP meeting in the fall was never followed up because the classroom teacher and the Learning Assistance teacher could never find a date that worked. So now here it is June and the year is almost over.
It's all such a frustrating process because the behaviors the teachers see at school are never the same as the ones we see at home, for a variety of reasons. Probably the most obvious reason is that I'm not at the school. For my child with attachment issues and FASD I am the main target. But it affects the behavior and achievements at school. How do I get through to the school staff that the reason the homework isn't done is because it was hidden in the bedroom and the planner has mysteriously disappeared. And the reason the homework is hidden is because my child can then avoid having to sit with me at the kitchen table one on one and work on it. Or the homework is too hard and my child knows it. Or my child would rather be doing anything else but sitting. Or the child knows that the other kids have already finished their homework and get to hang out and play. Or, or, or. There's a gazillion reasons.
The worst part of the IEP is that I feel as if I'm the negative mom who never sees anything good in their child. But if I don't focus on the negative, nothing will change. Yes I focus on the positive too, but it seems a constant battle to keep it in the front of their minds that just because my child was able to accomplish something once or twice doesn't mean my child can remember it the next time. Or that my child can't always transfer the knowledge used in one situation to another. It doesn't really matter if it's the ADD or the FASD or the attachment. The result is the same.
Plus, the teachers are all so burnt out already. They still have a month to go, and it's now the season of field trips (you couldn't pay me enough to go on the school bus with 45 kids anywhere!), assessments and report cards. I sure don't envy teachers. It's a job I know I could never do.
And actually, my upcoming IEP meeting next Monday is rather pointless because the original IEP meeting in the fall was never followed up because the classroom teacher and the Learning Assistance teacher could never find a date that worked. So now here it is June and the year is almost over.
It's all such a frustrating process because the behaviors the teachers see at school are never the same as the ones we see at home, for a variety of reasons. Probably the most obvious reason is that I'm not at the school. For my child with attachment issues and FASD I am the main target. But it affects the behavior and achievements at school. How do I get through to the school staff that the reason the homework isn't done is because it was hidden in the bedroom and the planner has mysteriously disappeared. And the reason the homework is hidden is because my child can then avoid having to sit with me at the kitchen table one on one and work on it. Or the homework is too hard and my child knows it. Or my child would rather be doing anything else but sitting. Or the child knows that the other kids have already finished their homework and get to hang out and play. Or, or, or. There's a gazillion reasons.
The worst part of the IEP is that I feel as if I'm the negative mom who never sees anything good in their child. But if I don't focus on the negative, nothing will change. Yes I focus on the positive too, but it seems a constant battle to keep it in the front of their minds that just because my child was able to accomplish something once or twice doesn't mean my child can remember it the next time. Or that my child can't always transfer the knowledge used in one situation to another. It doesn't really matter if it's the ADD or the FASD or the attachment. The result is the same.
Plus, the teachers are all so burnt out already. They still have a month to go, and it's now the season of field trips (you couldn't pay me enough to go on the school bus with 45 kids anywhere!), assessments and report cards. I sure don't envy teachers. It's a job I know I could never do.
Monday, June 1, 2009
What I'm working on..
Was the weather great this weekend where you are? It was fantastic here! My kids even went swimming in the lake. Not me. That lake has a whole lot of warming up to do before I'll go in.
It was kinda crazy this weekend with my daughter's dance recitals but we survived and now dance is finished! Yea! Now it's just soccer for two of the kids which makes life lots easier.
How did it get to be June 1st already? Only 4 more weeks of school - yikes! So what are you planning to do with your kids over the summer? we've got two weeks of holidays planned for July, and another in August, plus a family picnic get together at our house at the end of July. Oh yeah, and then there's work too.
I've been busy planning picnics and bbq's throughout the region and I think we have most of them finalized. And I've set them all up on EventBrite which is a website we use through out AFABC website for on-line event registrations. You can check it out at www.bcadopt.com and then click on workshops and resources, then workshop registration. The picnics are all free of charge, but this way families can RSVP right on-line. I thought it would make the organization of it all easier. I hope. So check it all out, and let me know if you can make it to any or all of them. (Ok that would be kinda crazy to come to all of them, but us adoptive parents are a little on the crazy side arn't we?)
I'm also waiting impatiently to hear back from the Victoria Foundation for Adoption Permanency regarding the grant applications I submitted for the Interior region. One of the grants is to start True Colours Mentoring groups in Nelson and Kamloops. The Nelson True Colours group is starting as a playgroup and recruiting mentors as they go. If you know of any youth or adults of colour in the Nelson are, get them to contact me or the organizer Tam Mickel at tamrekor@telus.net.
I'm heading to Kamloops on Thursday to check out locations for the True Colours Mentoring in that community, as well as meet with MCFD, a great Kamloops volunteer Susan, check out the location for our summer picnic, the location for our spaghetti dinner workshop, and the location for Transracial Parenting. Sounds like it will be alot of driving around doesn't it? I'm sure somewhere I'll come across a Starbucks that has those really yummy carmel frappachinos (the light version of course!)
Plus, it's month end so I better get working on all my paperwork.
If you have any suggestions for workshops or events in your area, let me know and we'll try and make them happen. Even if you don't live in the Interior region of BC, let me know what works where you live - or what doesn't!
It was kinda crazy this weekend with my daughter's dance recitals but we survived and now dance is finished! Yea! Now it's just soccer for two of the kids which makes life lots easier.
How did it get to be June 1st already? Only 4 more weeks of school - yikes! So what are you planning to do with your kids over the summer? we've got two weeks of holidays planned for July, and another in August, plus a family picnic get together at our house at the end of July. Oh yeah, and then there's work too.
I've been busy planning picnics and bbq's throughout the region and I think we have most of them finalized. And I've set them all up on EventBrite which is a website we use through out AFABC website for on-line event registrations. You can check it out at www.bcadopt.com and then click on workshops and resources, then workshop registration. The picnics are all free of charge, but this way families can RSVP right on-line. I thought it would make the organization of it all easier. I hope. So check it all out, and let me know if you can make it to any or all of them. (Ok that would be kinda crazy to come to all of them, but us adoptive parents are a little on the crazy side arn't we?)
I'm also waiting impatiently to hear back from the Victoria Foundation for Adoption Permanency regarding the grant applications I submitted for the Interior region. One of the grants is to start True Colours Mentoring groups in Nelson and Kamloops. The Nelson True Colours group is starting as a playgroup and recruiting mentors as they go. If you know of any youth or adults of colour in the Nelson are, get them to contact me or the organizer Tam Mickel at tamrekor@telus.net.
I'm heading to Kamloops on Thursday to check out locations for the True Colours Mentoring in that community, as well as meet with MCFD, a great Kamloops volunteer Susan, check out the location for our summer picnic, the location for our spaghetti dinner workshop, and the location for Transracial Parenting. Sounds like it will be alot of driving around doesn't it? I'm sure somewhere I'll come across a Starbucks that has those really yummy carmel frappachinos (the light version of course!)
Plus, it's month end so I better get working on all my paperwork.
If you have any suggestions for workshops or events in your area, let me know and we'll try and make them happen. Even if you don't live in the Interior region of BC, let me know what works where you live - or what doesn't!
New section on the blog!
Yes, I added something new, a section for Shout Outs!
If there's anyone you would like to send a Shout Out to, just send me an email, or a comment on one of the postings and I'll add it in. It can be an announcement, it can be a major accomplishment, anything at all you'd like to celebrate. We can keep it non identifying if you wish.
If there's anyone you would like to send a Shout Out to, just send me an email, or a comment on one of the postings and I'll add it in. It can be an announcement, it can be a major accomplishment, anything at all you'd like to celebrate. We can keep it non identifying if you wish.
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