That river in Egypt...

You know the one....the one that allows my daughter to totally absolve herself of any blame, responsibility, or accountability for her actions.

Denial is a wonderful place to visit, but for my kid it's her home away from home. Living here is where she does her best work. Anything is possible here.

Feeling creative? Why not just take your pen and use it on the wall? And when you are questioned about it you can say you were just walking past and accidentally bumped into the wall.

Are you mad because your Nintendo DS died? Sneak into your brother's room and take his. Oh, and don't forget to erase all his files and stay up all night playing it. Come morning time you have no idea how it ended up in your room. You didn't take it.


Does your mom question why there are 15 sore throat losenges in your jeans pocket? You have no idea how they got there because it certainly wasn't you who put them there. Because you would NEVER take something that wasn't yours.

Do the scissors and cut up clothes on your bedroom floor mean that you cut up your own clothes? Of course not.

All those things you are accused of doing are not your fault. However if someone takes some of your things, well then that is definitely a crisis which involves stomping, yelling and throwing things.

And why doesn't anyone want to lend you things or let you in their bedrooms unsupervised? It's totally unfair because you won't take or destroy anything - you never have. Never.

It's just not fair.

2010 FASD Retreat - Naramata

Hey - I just found my photos of our FASD retreat in Naramata, so here's a few of them and a bit about our day there. Stay tuned for our update on 2011 dates.

Nov. 6th was a day of indulgences for moms, dads, grandparents and other caregivers of children and youth affected by FASD. Naramata Heritage Inn and Spa was the location for the day that focused only on the caregivers.

The lives of parents with children with FASD are consumed with medical appointments, assessments, school team meetings, IEPs and the need to constantly supervise their children, which leaves virtually no time for taking care of themselves. Without adequate support, parents face burnout and hopelessness.


Our retreat provided the opportunity for parents and caregivers to take some time for themselves; to build connections and practice self care. From spa treatments to workshops on journaling for your life; from art therapy to creating their own altered journals and card making; from yoga to guided walks along the lakeshore; participants were encouraged to focus on themselves and put aside their everyday worries for some well deserved “me time”.


Chef Thomas provided an delicious array of food that began with fresh from the oven croissants, and a delicious luncheon of gourmet sandwiches, soup and salads. And of course no retreat would be complete without crème brule and chocolate torte for dessert!


A huge thank you to the Naramata Heritage Inn and Spa for their donation of the facility and Aveda room amenities for our gift bags for all the participants. Another big thank you to the Victoria Foundation for helping fund this program, and of course the support of the FASD Key Worker program via Penticton and District Community Resources Society.

Here are a few of the comments from some of the participants:

“The Creator tells us that there is Heaven on earth, and today I experienced it.”
“A beautiful venue, the ambiance set the stage for a successful day.”
“Every bit of it was extraordinarily wonderful. I have a lot to take home and use, and I will go home a more energized, happy BALANCED person!!”

Planning for November

What?? November? That's crazy talk! We haven't even hit halfway through winter and already you're talking about next fall?!?!

Yes, actually I am. Believe it or not, alot of planning goes into the events we host for Adoption Awareness Month in November. And for me, that planning starts at the beginning of the year. Why? Because this is a slower time, but mostly because I've had time off over Christmas and have recovered from the craziness of the previous AAM events, and I have this wacky idea that the next AAM events won't be so crazy.

Am I crazy to think this? Probably. Because at this time of year, it all seems do-able. The Interior Region is fortunate that we have an extremely supportive MCFD management team who are always open to creative ideas on new and exciting (?) ways to bring workshops, adoption cafes, new programs, etc. to families throughout the region. Not just Kelowna (the centre of the Interior universe), but to as many varied communities as possible. And when MCFD somehow finds some funds left over in their budget, they usually try to spend it on something to benefit the families. It may be resources, a workshop, an innovative pilot project; all of course depending on the amount of funds.

Last year we hosted the Adoption Cafes in Nelson, Kamloops and Kelowna and they were very well received. I'm still thinking of new and creative ideas that would be of benefit to families, so if you have any suggestions please let me know.

This morning I'm off to a meeting with the FASD Key Workers in Penticton to plan for our second annual retreat for parents and caregivers of children and youth with FASD. We had so much fun at the one day session that we'd like to add an overnight accomodation piece to the event.

There are plans in the works for an "Adoptive Moms Away" retreat in Vernon in May, a family camp in the Kootenays in August for a week, a family camp in August in Vernon, and I'd also like to try a retreat for adoptive moms/dads/caregivers in Williams Lake or 100 Mile.

Is there something you would like to see in your community? Send me your ideas, no matter how wacky they seem....because hey, you never know.

"You couldn't handle my full attention..."

I love that quote from Dwight on The Office. That show always makes me laugh... and cringe.

What I love about that quote is that I could easily use it for one of my kids who is known to find all kinds of ways to get negative attention. When she does receive positive attention she doesn't know how to deal with it, and so the result is that usually she sabotages herself so then she receives negative attention. Makes perfect sense - if your brain is permanently altered.

Most people assume that positive attention and praise will encourage a child to continue the good behaviour. My daughter does not respond this way. She experienced a "less than stimulating" first two years of life and as a result is very anxious.

Another assumption most people make is that if we give our kids a choice, they will make good choices most of the time. Not so in our case. She has a very difficult time making choices even when there are only two to choose from. She seems to not be able to decide what she would actually want, or is too concerned with choosing what she thinks I want her to choose. Oh and let's not forget that she was affected by alcohol and has a slower processing speed and rarely learns from the consequences of her actions.

For example, if she is given the choice as to wear or not wear her winter coat in January and she chooses not to wear it, it's my fault that she's cold. But if we have a short discussion on how worried I am that she will be cold without it and I really want her to be warm and cosy, she responds with anger and refuses to wear it. Once again, my fault that she's cold.

Another way she tries to get attention is by acting much younger than her actual age. Now I don't mean that she has to actually act her age because she is emotionally delayed and her behaviors can generally range from 6 years old to perhaps a maximum of 9. (She's 12). What I mean is by talking baby talk and deliberately behaving as a much younger child would with temper tantrums etc. But if I parent her as that much younger child, she gets mad and says "I'm not a baby you know!"

Over the years we've learned to keep our praise for her very low key. When she was younger even a "high five" could throw any progress out the window. As soon as the words were out of our mouths "great job" we knew disaster would soon follow. While most kids thrive on the good feelings that come with having accomplished something, she never learned that at an early age. It has been a very long and slow process for her.

What does work for us is giving her a heads up that she'll need to decide on ...... in a few minutes so she can start thinking about what she would like to choose. For decisions that are a health or safety issue and we're not sure if she'll make the correct one, we don't give her a choice. "You must wear snowboots in the snow."

We also try to remember that no matter how long she has been with our family (9 years!), those first 3 years of her life take a very long time to overcome. If at all.

Patience, patience, patience.

Adoption Tid Bits...

...that's Tid Bits....not Tim Bits...sorry for any confusion...

I usually spend some time each week reading articles on current adoption issues, so I thought I should pass along some of the more interesting articles. Feel free to send me some of your favorite sites too.

Think think think! Teaching Kids to Think for Themselves - A Great New Year's Resolution for Parents http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/PerspectivesOnChallengedFamilyBuilding/~3/QR68gOUO2LY/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email


The Persuasive Power of Swearing
http://www.spring.org.uk/2010/10/the-persuasive-power-of-swearing.php

Youth and Teen Substance Use - Alcohol, Tobacco, Caffeine and Cannabis (Marijuana) www.keltymentalhealth.ca/substance-use

Parenting a Child Who Has Been Sexually Abused: A Guide for Foster and Adoptive Parents http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/f_abused/index.cfm


Also, check out my facebook group for parents of children and youth with FASD, for more interesting articles. AFABC FASD Parent Support www.facebook.com

And speaking of Tim Bits...it must be time for a snack.

The weekend!

Was it sunny where you were all weekend? It sure was here! Finally a whole weekend of sunshine! I managed to completely ignore my computer all weekend and successfully avoided the urge to just go check my email. I am one of those compulsive email-checkers. But finally I had enough distractions outside.

The weekend was yet another in the series of "life without a stove". I am so bored with bbqing. If you missed the previous posts on the "stove saga", let's play catch up shall we? Almost 2 weeks ago my stove died and through a long, complicated and frankly boring cycle of phone calls and estimates from various applicance repair and sales companies both local and from some call centre somewhere in the world, my husband has decided that he will order a re-conditioned part from Sears that should be here sometime this century. Then he, my repair challenged husband, will fix it himself. Because as he said "how hard can it be to slide one electronic computer thingy out, and put the sorta-new one in.?" Exactly. ?????

I had the best intentions of going for a run while my youngest played soccer on Saturday morning, but then I ran into another mom I hadn't seen for awhile, and we proceeded to spend the majority of soccer discussing FASD, our children's challenges, etc. etc. and surprise surprise I ran out of time. Then it was on to my oldest daughter's soccer game in Penticton. My middle daughter struggles so much with her social skills and it's always so obvious at something like one of the other kids' games. She knows most of the other tag-along sibs that are there, but she really doesn't have the confidence or ability to initiate anything with them. My son has no problem hanging out with the other dorky 9 year old boys, but my daughter just doesn't have those skills. So she ends up sitting by my lawn chair with the other moms. Even if other girls her age ask her to come play with them she won't. But I guess she doesn't really mind; she's happy enough to sit by me and play in the grass. It's me who keeps hoping she'll make some friends, or make the effort to play with the other girls she knows. I gotta keep reminding myself that she's happy the way it is.

That reminds me of a conversation I had with another mom of kids with special needs. Lots of FASD, ADHD, etc. in her family too. We were talking about how frustrating it is when our child with FASD messes up (again), doesn't remember the consequences from last time (again), can tell us all the right answers (again), yet still repeats the same behavior (again). But the frustration just seems to be on our part, because our kids don't seem able to process our social cues that we're frustrated, and once us parents have finished with the blah blah blah blah blahs, the kids are la-dee-da-dee-da on to the next thing while we're emotional dishrags. I was raised that when I got caught doing something wrong, I was supposed to be remorseful for an undertermined length of time. I'm not really sure how long that was supposed to be, but as long as I behaved as if the punishment was torture and if I seemed to regret whatever it was that I had done wrong, then all was right with the world.

But for our kids with FASD, remorse or regret rarely, if ever, enters into it for them. And what the heck is up with enjoying the consequences of their behavior. How is picking up pinecones for an hour because you broke off $200.00 worth of sprinkler heads in the neighboring orchard fun? What's with the singing while you're doing this? You're supposed to hate doing this so you won't repeat the behavior. Sheesh, hasn't this kid read the same parenting books I have? It's taken me a long time to finally accept that these kids don't show remorse for a variety of reasons, not the least of which could be that they don't even remember doing what ever it was they did. Or perhaps it's that they have my attention and that's all that matters. Logic in their brain is not the same as in my brain. Will this stop them from repeating this again? Probably not, but hey, there has to be some consequence for the behavior right? Right?

I keep trying to remind the lesser-challenged child that he doesn't have to go along with what she does, and just because she's older, it doesn't mean what she does is right. I know what he's thinking.."Yeah but, she always comes up with the fun ideas that involve destroying things with sticks." Hard to argue with that logic.

We recently had a session with a behaviorist regarding all three of my little darlings. He had a few good points that were good to hear again. Little tidbits such as "shut up". In other words, fewer words are better. I know that already, but in my ongoing attempt to help her take control of her challenges, and understand them better, I get her to repeat back to me what I've said, ask her what she could have done differently, give her the words to use, yada yada yada. According to the behaviorist, it's an exercise in futility because it's been seven years and she's still not altering her behavior. Instead, tell her how it is using short sentences, small words, and there's no point in having her repeat it back cause it obviously isn't helping. So basically, save myself the frustration and forget the explanations. It is what it is.

I get what he's saying and I will do it cause it does make sense. It's tough though when two out of the three kids can learn from experiences, while one can't. It's hard to help the two that can understand that the one who can't, actually can't. From a kid's perspective it's gotta be even harder than it is for me. I can see the big picture, the kids can't. Guess I should bring out the Brothers and Sisters in Adoption book again eh?