"Sometimes you want to go...

...Where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came
You want to be where you can see
Our troubles are all the same
You want to be where everybody knows your name"

If you're old enough to remember this song from the tv show Cheers, then you may have fond memories of laughing out loud - even when you were alone. That's one of my memories from the late '80's. My tiny one bedroom apartment in Kitsalano (that was only $415/month!)that I loved. Where I would watch Cheers on my little 12 inch tv screen, without a remote!

The song came to me today as I was thinking about how far I've come in my journey to not isolate myself when the going gets tough. Although my preference would still be to go back to bed (with my nice toasty electric blanket), I have made the shift to talking to those who understand, asking for help, and attending a support group (one that I don't facilitate!)

And yes, the going is very tough right now. I know I'm not the only one struggling. At any given moment, many of us who are parenting by adoption keep having to revisit issues from our own, as well as our childrens' past, that keep popping up just when we thought they were behind us. Frankly, it sucks!

But clearly, ignoring things doesn't work. And pretending to everyone else that everything is "fine, thanks" doesn't work either. I want to be where I can see, our troubles are all the same.

And since you now probably have that song stuck in your mind, here's the full set of lyrics...

ARTIST: Gary Portnoy and Judy Hart Angelo
TITLE: Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Making your way in the world today
Takes everything you've got
Taking a break from all your worries
Sure would help a lot
Wouldn't you like to get away

All those nights when you've got no lights
The check is in the mail
And your little angel
Hung the cat up by its tail
And your third fiancée didn't show

Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came
You want to be where you can see
Our troubles are all the same
You want to be where everybody knows your name

Roll out of bed, Mr. Coffee's dead
The morning's looking bright
And your shrink ran off to Europe
And didn't even write
And your husband wants to be a girl

Be glad there's one place in the world
Where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came
You want to go where people know
People are all the same
You want to go where everybody knows your name

Where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came
(Sounds to me as if the writers are adoptive parents...?)

Quote for the day...

"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same."

Carlos Castaneda

Anxiety, Depression & ADHD

These are just 3 of the issues we're dealing with at home right now. As I was browsing one of my go-to websites Psychology Today, I found this article written by Frank Lawless is who a frequent guest on Dr. Phil. (Does that add to, or reduce his credibility???)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/redefining-stress/200807/adhd-v-depression-and-anxiety

He makes the case that once anxiety and depression are dealt with, disorders such as ADHD are then easier to manage.

It's a very interesting article. If you have a few minutes, give it a read and let me know your thoughts.

ADOPTIVE FAMILIES GIVE THE GIFT OF NEW LIVES

A Statement from the Representative for Children and Youth

Over the years, I have had the privilege of meeting many adoptive parents and the young people to whom they have given second chances and new lives.
Through the advocacy work of my office, we are honored to see the enormous emotional investment of those people who begin down the path of adoption, and those that eventually get through the process. We see the complexity of adoption – both the process and the relationships -- and we see the overwhelming love and sensitivity of adoptive parents towards their child or children. We see in them the desire to improve the lives of the many children who have such troubled starts in life.
Many children's life chances have been shattered by the actions of adults who should have been protecting and supporting them. Fortunately and humbling for us all, many of those children have been rescued by caring, skilled adoptive parents.
They give them the gifts of love and of stability, the joy of a family that cares for and about them, that helps them heal and be happy, and puts them on a path to success. Adoptive parents transform lives.
I am so pleased that Adoption Awareness month gives everyone the opportunity to thank the many families in our province who have opened their hearts and adopted a child into their homes.
Not only do adoptive parents change individual lives, but they also strengthen the fabric of our society and our communities. There are currently far too many vulnerable B.C. children - about 1,300 - awaiting adoption. Adoption Awareness month helps to remind us of this.
One of my roles as Representative is to help ensure the voices of vulnerable children are listened to, and that they receive the support and services they need to thrive. It is through our advocacy role that we help many prospective and current adoptive parents and the children they want to bring into their lives. Helping to raise a child is one of the most challenging and important things we can do, and adoptive parents must be properly supported.
Thank you all, for making a profound difference in the lives of B.C.’s children and youth.
Sincerely,
Mary Ellen Turpel-Lafond
B.C.’s Representative for Children and Youth

The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake

I just finished reading this book, and I'm sure it's the quirkiest book ever.

It has nothing to do with adoption or race, but it was a fascinating read. It was kind of like watching a train wreck - I couldn't stop reading it.

The story features a girl who at the age of 9 who discovers her magical gift. When she eats, she can taste the emotions of the person who made the food. (I know, I know. Sounds weird.)

It starts with Rose, the 9 year old, biting into her mother's famous homemade lemon chocolate cake, and tastes her mother's despair and desperation. (I wish they would have included the lemon chocolate cake recipe!)

Emotions, secrets, hidden truths are all revealed to Rose when she eats food someone else has prepared.

Definitely worth requesting from the library. If you've read it, or plan on reading it, let me know what you think. Definitely quirky.

Journalling...

Who has time for that?

Off and on over the years since my youngest two came home, I have started and stopped journalling. The reasons I started journalling were varied, from needing a non-judgemental outlet for my emotions, to hoping to release some long pent-up issues, to reminding myself what is good in my life.

So once again I have started journalling. I'm planning on writing at the start of my day instead of waiting til the end when I'm tired. I'm taking a new approach as well. I've got a list of items to write about to get me started each time. Here they are:
My day
My goals
Specific problems or worries
Priorities/To-do lists
What I'm thankful for

A friend who is a journalling freak (in a good way!) and I were discussing the topic recently and it's because of her that once again I've started writing. She was telling me about how she has all the cool, funky journals that she writes in, and since she lives alone with two cats, she doesn't have to worry about her privacy being violated. She can leave her journals wherever she likes in her home and be inspired to write wherever she happens to be.

I was saying how I'm not one of those who keep their journals forever, and I usually end up shredding them. For me, once it's down on paper I don't want to look back and see where I've been and what I was thinking. (What WAS I thinking?!)

But that's the great thing about journalling she tells me. It's all about you and you don't have to be politically correct, or polite, or nice, or neat or anything you don't want to be. You get to say what you want at that moment, and it's only for you. Not many places we get to do that, is there?

Not that anyone would probably read my stuff, or that they would be offended by what I wrote, but that's the whole point. I need to be able to write what I feel at any certain time knowing that no one else needs to know about it. It's one of the few places I can be totally honest without anyone (except myself) making judgements.

Besides, journalling gives me the excuse to go shopping for another cool book to write in.

Does anyone else journal? What do you write about? How do you get started? How often do you write?

Welcome Home !!

This is one of the best parts of my job - welcoming new kids into an adoptive home. When my two youngest came home, (almost 9 years ago!)we didn't really celebrate with a party or shower, or anything other than within our own family. The foster parents provided a huge sendoff party with all the people who were important in their lives, and what with trying to keep the attachment process intact, we kept everything really low key at home.
What I discovered from that, was no one else really made a big deal out of their arrival home. And that wasn't ok with me. I know for parents of newborns everyone gives them a shower with gifts and food, but it seems that for many who adopt older kids, no one really seems to know what to do. Do we stay away while they get settled? (Yes! Definitely!) And if so, then how long do we wait? (Ask the parents what works for them.) What's an appropriate gift? (Ask the parents.) And what ends up happening is, in the hustle and bustle of building attachment and working on attunement, the celebration can get pushed aside and never happen.
So quite a few years ago I came up with the idea of helping new families celebrate their placements. The Interior MCFD adoption workers let me know when they've officially placed a child, or children, what some of their special needs are, and if there are other kids in the home, their ages, etc. That's when I get to have fun and put together some items to support and celebrate the placement. As you can see from the photos, I include books for the kids on adoption, resources including appropriate books for the parents, and some fun stuff too. Then I package it up all pretty and deliver it to the MCFD social worker. The social worker then gets to deliver it to the new family with a minimum of fuss and interruption.

I love being able to provide support and celebration to new families! And I know the families love it too!