Are you KIDDING me??

You are not going to believe this one.

After 11 years of parenting, my husband had finally agreed to take the kids away camping for a few days so I could have a few days in the house by myself. I've taken the kids for little mini holidays many many times, but my husband had never done it. And I longed for just a few days in my own home by myself. Especially cause it's only halfway through the summer break and I really needed some time without having to parent. (Not to mention the fact of how much work I needed to get done.)

So my wonderful husband had arranged his schedule and had planned to take the kids in our vintage 1974 Minnie Winnie to a campground in Oliver for two nights. We've camped there many times as a family and we all really enjoyed it.

We packed up the Winnie on Wed. morning and by 11:30 am they were on the road headed for fun. I had already been cleaning like a mad woman and by noon I was done; the house was clean. I had just sat down on the deck to read my trashy novel when it happened. The phone rang. Should I answer or should I ignore. I ignored. Then my cell phone went off so I thought I should probably answer it. It was the local flower shop asking if they could deliver an arrangement to me. Within minutes they were at my door delivering this huge, beautiful bouquet of flowers from my husband and my kids. How incredibly sweet was that.

Then my cell phone rang again. It was my husband so I thought he was phoning to see how I liked the flowers. Guess what - the Minnie Winnie had broken down. Can you believe it? I mean, can you really believe it? I thought he was joking. I seriously thought he was joking. But no, he thinks it's the fuel pump.

So I stand there for a few moments in total shock before I have to phone and cancel the pedicure I had booked. Then I head out to pick up the kids while he calls BCAA for a tow to our mechanic who has closed his shop for two weeks. I was in total shock as I drove. I must have really bad karma. Or fate is desperately trying to tell me something.

By the time I get to where they're broken down I've had a good cry. The tow truck arrives shortly and we haul everything out of the fridge and put it in my car to take home and unload. Then we go meet the tow truck driver and unload a few more things. I am still in shock. But what can we do? It's just one of those things. No one's fault. But can you believe it? I have never had time alone (overnight) in my house. And I guess it's not going to start now is it.

Eventually we all mad it home. I am trying to be a grown up about it all, but it's tough. I don't want the kids to think I don't want them around, but I really need a break from them all. Just for a little while. My husband took the kids for a long swim in the pool and they all decided to go to dinner and then a movie so I can at least have some time here alone.

Too late for the pedicure, but I went out and rented a movie, bought my favorite kind of chocolate and vegged on the couch until they all straggled in around 9:30 pm.

I should note at this point that my husband is absolutely exhausted and flops down on the couch.

"Welcome to my world".

Hot enough for ya?

Yes thank you. More than hot enough.
It's so hot.
How hot is it?
It's so hot I let my kids stay inside for most of the day in air conditioned comfort. And that's not my usual routine.

However I'm finding my patience running very short lately. Could it be there's still 6 more weeks of summer vacation? Possibly.

Could it be that I spent the weekend hosting my husband's family for a family reunion? Most likely.

My husband is from a family of 13. Yes 13. 8 girls and 5 boys. So last summer it was decided that "we" should host a family reunion in 2009. Of course "we" were not exactly consulted at this point because only my husband was there. When the sisters mentioned it to my husband he just rolled his eyes and told them they better run it by me first. (He's learned a few things in 20 years of marriage.) So I succumbed to peer pressure and said yes, and my sister-in-law who lives in Vernon said she would help organize and plan.

I'm sure everyone has their own "extended family issues", but when your husband has 12 siblings, the chances for conflict are always much greater than for a typical size family.

To give you a little background, one brother and one sister live on Vancouver Island, three sisters and three brothers live in the lower mainland, one sister in Prince George, one sister and my husband in the Okanagan, one sister lives in Alberta, and one has passed away. All but one have been married at least once, some twice, and some three times. Everyone except the single sister has children in their 20's or 30's and many of them also have children. Plus my husband's elderly aunt was coming from Nova Scotia as well as several cousins and stragglers from Edmonton and Kamloops. If everyone decided to come and bring all their kids, in-laws, out-laws, grand kids, etc. we would have had well over 100 people.

But knowing my husband's family as well as I do, I knew that would never happen. Oh sure, they were all enthusiastic at the start and committed to coming. Plus we chose the date at least nine months ago, and made sure it didn't coincide with any major event here.

So here's the bottom line: the brother and sister from the island came; one brother and straggler came from Vancouver, the sister from Vernon and us. Their kids travelled from as far away as Toronto with the grandkids. And most of the kids and grandkids came too. The elderly aunt came with her son and family too. So we still had 54 people at my house on Saturday. Which was fine - everyone was supposed to bring something to share and we would provide the tent and tables and all the supplies.

Everything was planned and organized so by Friday night when people started arriving at their motels we were ready for the next day's event. Even the tent and table rentals arrived on time. Saturday morning was bright and sunny and we had time to sit around and have a few cups of coffee while a bunch went out golfing. When the guys returned some of us headed up the hill to the winery for some tastings in advance of the 1 pm arrival time for everyone else. By 1:30 our driveway looked like a used car lot and everyone was bringing their lawnchairs and food and beverages just like they were supposed to! It was magical.

By 2 pm the sky had darkened, there was loud claps of thunder and the lightning started. By 2:15 people were huddled under the tent, the awning and the shade umbrellas, which in case you don't know, are not designed to repel torrents of rain. Some stayed outside where the beer fridge was, while most everyone else headed indoors, which was unavoidable but not exactly what I had planned. But no one seemed to mind the close dampness. The little kids were let loose in my son's bedroom and within about 5 minutes had all the Lego and other toys out. The older girls put a movie on and started drawing and making friendship bracelets. The food was brought out and everything went well. Evenutally the rain let up enough for the boys to have their water gun fight outside, and when the lightning storm was over we openned up the pool for anyone else who wanted to get completely wet (if they weren't already!)

By the time everyone started leaving at about 8 pm the rain has finally quit (of course!). And what I was most thrilled about, was everyone said what a great time they had. There was no shortage of food, and several of the "out-laws" helped with with cleanup. Or at least tried to.

But most of all, I was so thrilled for my kids to have met so many of their cousins of all different ages. And despite the chaos of the day, and all the stimulation, they all did really well. I was so proud of them they all got extra servings of pie and ice cream after most people had left. (I know, I know, I shouldn't reward behavior with food, but hey, we don't have pie very often!)

Shopping with my girls

Well ok, my husband and my son came too. It started out as just me and the kids, and then at the last minute my husband decided he would come too.

Now unlike most husbands, mine does not hate shopping. He usually enjoys it as long as it involves coffee and a Cinnabon somewhere along the way. Only he wasn't counting on the fact that my oldest had a hair appointment as well. So combine that with the highway closures for construction and our trip started at 10 am didn't end until 6:30 pm.

We hit the mall and my girls headed to one of their favorite stores 'Urban Planet". Don't you love those stores that have huge signs saying "$5.00" in huge letters followed by the fine print that says "when you purchase 3 or more items". Oh, and I should mention, the kids were spending their own money today - not mine for once.

My oldest daughter is the smartest shopper and although it drives me crazy how much time she wastes wandering around the store instead of going from section to section, she will only buy something if she truly loves it. (She even does this when I'm buying!) My second daughter however, likes to spend the time whining about how much she would like to buy something if only she had enough money. Like that's my fault she's had to spend her allowance on replacing candy and other belongings of her siblings that she's broken or stolen.

Meanwhile my husband and my son have headed off to EB Games to spend his hard earned allowance. Actually my 9 year old son earns extra money by cleaning up any dead birds or mice that my cat decides to bring in as presents to us in the middle of the night. Or if there are "remains" on the front step or deck.

Finally we exit Urban Planet and meet the guys at Cinnabon. How can two little cinnamon buns for the kids cost over $6??? I can get a coffee and a blended lemonade at Starbucks for $5. Plus, those Cinnabon cinnamon buns always taste like they've not been baked long enough.

Then it's off to Locadia's hair salon for my oldest to get her hair relaxed again, and my middle daughter to get her extensions touched up. (Here's the funny part - my husband says "I guess we can eat lunch at home after her hair appointment." We girls look at him and laugh. Sorry honey, it's back to the mall after the hair appointment and lunch!)

What was supposed to be a 1 hour appointment ended up being two, as Locadia gave my oldest an extra heavy duty conditioning treatment. While this was all going on, my son entertained himself with the swivelling chair that goes up and down. Amazing how long that kept him entertained!

Then by mid-afternoon we were finished there and headed for a late lunch, early dinner at Milestones - love their Thai salad. My two oldest ordered full adult size meals - how did that happen that the kids meal no longer are enough for them???

Back to the mall for another couple hours of clothes shopping for sales. My kids and my husband did remarkably well. Thank goodness for air conditioning cause it was at least 35 C in Kelowna today!

Finally though, the money was all spent and we had to brave the heat and head for the car. We made it home without my middle daughter using her hair extensions as a weapon to annoy her siblings, right until we pulled off the highway. Which was actually good timing because it reminded me I needed to stock up on Mike's Hard Lemonade before we went home.

All in all, a pretty successful family outing.

If I knew then what I know now...

Ahhh hindsight. It's always 20/20 isn't it? If I knew then, when my sibling group came home, all the things I know now, how different our lives would all be.

I would have spent less time trying to figure out what had happened to my three year old that made her behave and act the way she did. I would have just accepted it and dealt with it. I wouldn't have obsessed over wanting to know information I would never have. I wouldn't have spent so much time right away trying to get her to conform to my expectations, but just accepted her the way she was.

I wouldn't have concerned myself so much with worrying what other people thought of my kid's behaviors.

But I guess I don't get to go back and "do over". None of us do. All we can do is "soldier on" and do better. I used to feel the need to be perfect in everything I do, or at least appear perfect to everyone else. I am so not perfect in anything. Nor do I want to be. That was some weird need I had to try and control things that I had absolutely no control over. And the more I tried to control things, the less control I had. Funny how it long it took for me to realize that.

I am much better now at accepting my own faults, as I am about accepting my kids and their realities. It's so much easier than trying to be perfect, or expecting my kids to conform. I'm not sure when that all changed, but it was much too hard to keep that up.

Don't get me wrong, there are still many times I wish my kid(s) could be or do certain things, but I also know that is not their reality, and it certainly isn't mine. Now I can let it go. And as a friend of mine often says "just bless and release".

Do we need help?

How do you know if you need professional help? I always seem to waffle between "oh it's just me", and "this is not getting any better".

There are many days when I think that I'm overreacting to my kids' behaviors and that it's just kids being kids. I'm being over controlling, helicopter parenting, etc. and I should just chill out and let them do what they do.

But then, it's only a matter of time before chaos reigns supreme and someone is getting hurt or something is broken by someone else's impulsivity and lack of self control.

But at what point do we as parents of frequently challenging children, call in the troops, throw in the towel and say "HELP!"

One of the best ways I think, is to participate in an adoption support group, where you can hear other parents of wacky kids tell their stories. It really helps put things in perspective. Plus other adoptive parents are the best resources for professionals that work well with our adopted kids.

But it is summer time, and most support groups don't meet over the summer so what do we do? Sometimes, connecting with friends who are parenting typical kids just doesn't cut it. Their 8 year olds aren't throwing sand at little kids on the beach. Hopefully we all have at least one other adoptive parent who we can call and vent our frustrations to. Especially over the summer holidays when we are without the benefit and structure of school days. It can make any sane parent crazy. And we've got along way to go 'til September.

For our family, structure and consistency is key. And for each kid, it's different. If I let them spend the entire morning watching tv, the rest of the day would be a total disaster. So when they do watch an hour of tv in the morning (while I try to drink my coffee hot) I insist they do something at the same time such as drawing or building things with Lego. We are fortunate to live on a lot surrounded by orchard so they get lots of outdoor time. However if I release two of the three kids without specific instructions about where they can play, they will inevitably find something to destroy that involves a significant amount of money to repair. By lunch time they're hungry and then it's time to hit the beach or run errands in town that we ride our bikes to. After dinner, more outside time or just hanging out.

So that would be a good day. But, we don't always get those days. So I need to constantly be on my toes and ready to step in and keep the peace, distract and redirect.

It's exhausting. Thank goodness there's three wineries within walking distance of my house!

"Do you get money for those kids?"

Yes, this is just one of the many questions I got asked by a nosy woman in Idaho. We were down at Silverwood Theme Park last week (I've been on holidays for the past two weeks so that's the reason for no posts!). It never ceases to amaze me how "people" will not hesitate to ask very personal questions because our family is visibly different.

Now I know that Idaho has a reputation for being less than tolerant of people of colour, but apart from the usual head swivels when we entered a restaurant, we didn't have any problems.

Back to the nosy woman though. My kids were on a ride that involved spinning at high speeds, so I chose to watch rather than ride. This grandmotherly woman was sitting in the shade by where I stood and proceeded to ask the following questions:

Do you get money for those kids?
Are they all related?
I always wanted to adopt.
You're so wonderful for taking them in.
Where are they from?

So fortunately I was prepared with my usual answers:

It sure is expensive to raise kids isn't it?
Yes.
Oh.
Oh.
We live in BC.

She then went on a rant about how her community in California has the highest rate of mortgage foreclosures in the country. And she has a diabled sister that got bit by a mosquito at age 11 and was in a wheelchair. But they took her on an airplane two years ago to Minnesota and had to change planes 4 times but no airline staff could help her properly and shortly after that her sister died. And that her community was where Scott Peterson killed his wife and baby right in the kitchen. And that they get 114 degrees F in the summer. And on and on and on.

It was a very long ride my kids were on.

All this because she wanted to know if we got money for adopting our kids.

My point, and I do have one, is that as a visible transracial family we are always on display. We can never leave that behind when we are with our children. Yet my husband and I can go out together without the kids(yeah like that happens all the time - not!) or separately, and no one gives us a second glance. Our kids don't get that opportunity.

Recently someone asked my oldest daughter what it was like to always look different than most of her friends. She said it didn't bother her at all. No big deal.

Maybe it's just me who has issues with it.