Day 2 of camp

And welcome to day 2...

After an exhausting night of tossing and turning all the girls were wide awake at 7 am. Which I guess wasn't all that early, but some of us had just finally fallen into a deep sleep. Our cabin connects with a bathroom to another cabin with just as many overly excited girls and tired moms as ours, but I have to admit, our cabin was better for sleeping.

One of the boys' grandmas came along for the trip, and good for her for making the trip. It's difficult enough to parent your grandchild, but this grandma is doing the best she can, and if that means accompanying her grandson to camp, she's there. This woman is a real trooper, plus she can bake up a storm too! However, as nice and as giving as this woman is, you really don't want her in your cabin. She has sleep apnea and requires one of those machines to help her breathe at night. One of the younger girls woke up in the middle of the night screaming that Darth Vader was coming to get her. Grandma got up to see what all the screaming was about and further scared the girl because Grandma still has the mask over her nose and the hose attached. Let's just say no one got much sleep in their cabin after that.

We all desperately needed our coffee. But the weather cooperated and the morning was filled with horseback riding, group games and preparing for the fireside skit. The skit prep was the most painful to watch and I took the opportunity to sneak out and watch my other daughter climb the rock wall. I so wanted to try it, but too many kids and not enough time. I sat in the sun for as long as I could delay my return to the skit room. When I returned, the skit was well underway. I watched from a distance and tried to keep my face neutral. My daughter, who hates being in front of other people was playing the role of someone who was trying to start a lawn mower, with the part of the lawm mower being played by the most disruptive kid in the school. Sigh. My 10 year old daughter was lowering her behavior to a 4 year old level. How I wish she had the ability to rise above the potty mouth stage.

But I have to say, that overall, she did quite well for the duration of the camp. It must have been really tough for her to be around "friends" all the time and have to keep it together. But she did a pretty good job. One of the moms in our group was that "overly controlling can't let her kid do anything without her" kind of mom. It was weird too because she wouldn't actually "do" anything with her kid. She wouldn't play any of the field games, or ride the horses, or climb the wall. All she did was constantly tell the kid what he should be doing. The poor kid never got to do anything without his mom telling him what to do.

I didn't do all the activities, but I did get to ride a horse, and I would have tried the rock wall climbing. I played in some of the wide games after dinner with the kids and other parents, but that was dangerous! But it was fun, and as I mentioned before, there was first aid available!

By lunch time of day 2, I couldn't handle another carb-loaded meal of white bread and mystery meat, so I went and had a power nap on my "comfy" bed. By the end of the afternoon the kids had BMX'd, swam, found 3 frogs and 2 dead mice, and were having the "best time ever!". I guess I can suck it up for that.

We survived the spaghetti dinner, the campfire skits, and another sleepless night. My daughter had switched friends at this point, although I'm not sure why.

On the morning of day three our cabin nazi-mom got everyone up and packed before breakfast, and some of us were already planning our early escape - oops I mean departure. We had one more wide game to play with all the kids in the field that involved the parents being super heroes, the kids telling us what to do, and lots of running and carrying things. Fun, but exhausting, and at least there was no tackling involved or rope burns.

Some of us decided to skip the hamburger lunch in favor of Booster Juice in Vernon and headed back to civilization. I hate going back to civilization when I've been sequestered away at camp. I feel as if I look like someone who has been living in the wilds for years on end and suddenly appears. Yes I really need to shave my legs.

The kids had such a good time, and I am glad I got to go with them. Nothing like observing kids in their natural habitat! I wasn't prepared for the aftershocks when we got home.

Did I tell you about camp?

I guess I haven't blogged in awhile have I? For those of you who have just joined the saga already in process, let's catch up shall we?

Last Wednesday I went with my two daughters' grade 4 and 5 classes to Circle Square Ranch in Armstrong for 2 nights and 3 days in the great outdoors. My oldest is in grade 5 and went last year to this camp with the classes. I did not go last year. My middle daughter is in grade 4 and because she is a type 1 diabetic I had to go with her. My middle daughter is also the one who is the most affected by FASD, has ADHD, and struggles the most socially. My older daughter is very capable in most areas, has friends and does well usually.

Wednesday morning started out pouring rain. This is the Okanagan. We don't get rain like Vancouver. Except of course when one is heading out to camp. Another mom and I had already decided we would drive up in my car, as we are smart savvy moms who know better than to get on a school bus with 45 hyped up kids. Plus, the bus driver refused to drive thru Starbucks, so we had no choice. We caught up to the bus as it made it's pit stop at the tourist info booth in Vernon. It was pouring, and I mean pouring rain. But, as luck would have it, by the time we wound our way through Armstrong and made it to the ranch the sky was starting to clear, and the rain was slowing down.

Now I supervised both my kids packing up their stuff the night before. My oldest had enough clothes with her to last 2 weeks because she had to bring all her favorite stuff, including the white Roxy hoodie. Theoretically, they should have had all the stuff that was on the list. Theoretically.

By the time the kids were assigned their cabins and the drama of who was sleeping in who's cabin was settled, and the fight over the top bunks were finished, we headed off to activities in the parent supervised but trained-leader-led groups such as archery, field games, horse care, swimming and BMX. My oldest daughter was in a group with several of her friends so she was pretty happy, and I was in the group with my younger daughter. We were lucky(?) that one of the kids in our group was allergic to horses, so when it was our turn for horse care, he got to play field games, which meant there was an extra horse that needed to be groomed. Lucky indeed.

One of the other mom's in our group had been brought up with horses, so she "generously" shared all her experiences with the rest of us. Lucky for us eh? And her horses were all show horses, and they won ribbons, and she knew the best way to braid a horse's tail and mane, and if we tried hard, we might be able to be as good at it as she was. I don't have that kind of ambition or drive. Never have, never will.

Watching my child at archery was an education for sure. I was worried that some of us that were standing in the "safe" area were not actually going to be all that safe. The bows were looking a little on the wonky side when she held them. I wanted to try it, but our group ran out of time and had to move on to the next activity which was field games. How do camp leaders come up with these dangerous games invoving parents and kids? Our activity group games were fine, but the wide games involving all the parents and the kids after dinner were absolutely insane. The poor first aid guy never had a chance to sit down! Some dads get just a litte carried away with the competition aspect.

I can't remember what dinner was that first night, but probably something like pizza which the kids liked. Campfire had to be cancelled due to the pouring rain, thunder and lightening, and somehow, singing campfire songs in the mess hall doesn't give one the same feeling as sitting around an open fire.

By the time we got all the kids back to the cabins and into bed, it was after 10 and we adults couldn't wait to jump into our cozy warm sleeping bags on those thin vinyl mattresses that a million other kids have slept on. Before we fell asleep, all us moms in our cabin prayed for good strong coffee to be ready in the morning.

So that was day one. I'll post more of the camp fun later, and maybe even a photo or two.

Migraines - who evented these anyways??

Yesterday it hit me - that horrible feeling that one was "heading" my way. The split vision, the difficulty forming coherent thoughts (although some days that's just normal for me). Sometimes I can figure out what the trigger is, and other times, like yesterday, it came without a reason. I had been working away at my desk and I took a break to do a quick workout on my treadmill. I was interrupted by my daughter's EA phoning to ask something, then I finished my workout (dedicated I know!). I drank a big glass of water and went back to work at my desk. I was returning a phone call from some poor woman I had never spoken to before and I was making a pathetic attempt to give her some information on how to start the MCFD adoption porcess, when I realized that nothing I was saying was making any sense whatsoever. (I hope she didn't think I was drunk or anything!) I was smart enough and coherent enough to ask if I could call her back another day. Then I dragged my butt upstairs to bed cause I knew what I was headed for. And I wasn't disappointed.

For anyone who has never experienced a migraine, it's as if there is a sharp knife being stabbed into my head, and any amount of movement or light makes the pain worse. Sometime during the lunch hour my husband came home and kindly didn't try to talk to me. My cat curled up with me and I don't think I even noticed she was there. (As if she cared!)

The kids were due home at 2:55, so I forced my self up and into the shower all the while pumping myself full of Advil Liquid Gels for migraines, which didn't even touch the pain. But at least by this point I didn't feel like vomiting (always a good feeling). When the kids came in the door I told them about the really really really bad headache I had, and asked them to cooperate as much as they could, plus keep the volume down.

It never fails. My oldest is the most sensitive of the three and gives me a big hug and instantly starts speaking in a quiet voice. Kid number two and kid number three act as if everything is as per usual and can't/won't adjust their volume levels or behaviors. So predictable. Throughout the afternoon I continued to remind them to speak quietly because my head really really hurts. Nope, no change. Sigh.

My head hurt to read. My head hurt to move too quickly. My head hurt to think. So I just went and laid down on my bed with the lovely sound of my children playing, laughing, arguing, whining, in the distance. Where's my happy place now???

But that was yesterday, and today is another new day. So far, without a migraine although it's still there on the fringe.

Stop Blaming Adoptive Parents

I was reading an interesting article on "Ending the Cycle of Blaming Adoptive Parents" on Arleta James' blog for Perspective Press and I thought I would excert some portions of it for you.

"Overall, the child welfare system frequently...
Tells parents prior to the adoption to expect problems. Yet, after the adoption, we question why the child is still stealing, lying, shouting, making poor grades, etc. years after being placed in their home. The conclusion often formed is that there must be something wrong with the parents."

"Overall, the child welfare system frequently...
Holds adoptive families to a high standard, almost that of super family. They will heal all of the child’s hurts. When this does not happen, we again conclude the parents are inadequate."

"Overall, the child welfare system frequently...
Tells parents—pre-adoption— that services will be necessary. Yet, we often make them return to the public agency in order to obtain funding for services. We trusted the parents with the child. Yet, we don’t always allow them to make decisions as to what their family needs. We, at times, deny services to families in desperate need. We do so because we believe the family is the problem."

"Overall, the child welfare system frequently...
Claims to operate “in the best interests of the child” yet we become contentious when parents request funding or subsidy increases. We do so because we deny the pathology of the child. We view these requests as if we are giving money to the parent. Actually, when we offer monies, we are supporting the family in their efforts to support the adoptee. Isn’t this what we set out to accomplish in the first place?"

"The child welfare system needs to examine policies regarding adoptive families. We approved them to adopt. If there is something “wrong” with so many adoptive families, perhaps we need to re-evaluate the manner in which we conduct home studies and parent preparation. Better yet, maybe we need to heed our own warnings: these children will frequently have problems due to their past trauma. There are children for whom their pre-adoptive experiences leave long-term or life-long scars. Many adoptive families will require support throughout the adoptee’s childhood and adolescence. Many adoptees will continue to need services well into adulthood."

I totally agree - how about you?

Read her blog article at: http://perspectivespress.com/blog/2009/06/15/ending-the-cycle-of-blaming-adoptive-parents-the-adverse-childhood-experiences-ace-study/

Penticton Playgroup

On Sunday I had the opportunity to host the Penticton Adoptive Families Playgroup. My regular volunteer Candy couldn't make it, so I filled in. Unfortunately that meant we had to miss the Kelowna True Colours Juneteenth celebration though.

The kids and I arrived with our case of TimBits precisely at 1 pm and set up camp somewhere between the numerous birthday parties and the bbqs. The Skaha Lake waterpark and playground has just been revamped and improved and it was "the" place to be on Sunday. We quickly set up in the last sliver of shade and attached our AFABC banner to the fence.

We also quickly discovered why this little piece of shade was vacant. It was very soggy - very soggy indeed. But that didn't deter us, no siree. Two of the kids were off the check out the ducks in the pond while my oldest and I played frisbee.

One of my daughter's friends was there with her family, so the mom and I were catching up on summer holiday plans and the usual school gossip. I was hoping we weren't going to be the only adoptive family there and I was starting to panic a bit, when a woman loaded down with blankets and toys stopped by and asked if we had the whole shaded area.

Being desperate, I introduced myself and proceeded to chat for a full ten minutes with this lovely young woman. Finally she said, "I'm not part of your group, I was just wondering if we could share the shade. But now I see how soggy it is, I think we'll go to another spot." Sigh.

Finally a few families starting showing up so I was spared any further embarrassment. It's so interesting how the location for a playgroup can make such a difference. We've had huge turnouts for the Penticton playgroups that Candy has hosted at the rec centre gym, but much lower turnouts when we meet at the park. The official summer picnics are always well attended, but not so much for outdoor playgroups. At least in Penticton it seems to be this way.

One mom suggested it was because the park is open to all those "normal" families and our families tend to be more visible. Another comment was that the park doesn't tend to feel as "supportive" as our closed group. That being said, it's hard to justify being inside when the weather is so nice outside.

Another issue we've had in Penticton is the inability to get adoptive parents out to any type of evening support group, despite trying several different formats over the last few years. Yet Kelowna, Vernon, Revelstoke, Salmon Arm all have great turnouts for their groups. One mom said that she's heard from other adoptive parents she knows that they don't have any adoption issues with their kids so they have no need to come out.

Oh well, at least they all know where we are when they do feel they need the support. We'll be at the soggy spot by the water park.

Does this person live with you??

Do you have someone like this in your house? Someone who has an uncontrollable urge to touch things they know they shouldn't. Someone who can't resist turning the temperature on the fridge up to maximum and the temperature on the freezer to minimum. Someone who turns the burner on the stove to maximum while the rice is cooking and the cook has left the room.

This person is driving me crazier than ever. It's no mystery who that person is in my house. But that person will consistently deny their actions even when they are the only person around at the time.

This is the same person who can't resist a perfectly clean bathroom mirror and has to spit, draw, and otherwise deface any clean surface. The same goes for windows.

And the frustrating part of having this person clean up the mess that they made, is how much they enjoy the cleaning part. Except when asked to do it as a regular chore.

Ah yes, such is the fun life with a child like this. Never a dull moment, never a clean surface, never a frozen ice cube when you need one...

And I'm finding that the other kids are getting more and more frustrated with the offender's behavior too. It's tough sometimes for them to have any kind of empathy when the same behavior is repeated over and over.

It's tough as a parent to maintain an equilibrium with a child with these types of behaviors. I'm getting better at shutting up and walking away. There is really no point in asking "who did this?", cause the offender never admits it, and it's usually very obvious who did it. My usual consequence is more chores with me. "If you make more work for me, I make more work for you." It never deters the offender, but at least the non-offenders see that there is a consequence.

Grand Torino

Have you seen this movie yet? My husband rented it last night for us to watch. I wasn't sure I even wanted to see it given the racist content I was sure it contained.

But I was surprised that it actually was a pretty good movie. I thought it would be a typical Clint Eastwood shoot-'em-up kill-'em-all plot, which it isn't. Although it was predictable I thought it was well done. For anyone who hasn't seen it yet, Clint plays an aging Korean war veteran whose wife has recently died, and who sees his own children and grandchildren as "spoiled brats". His neighborhood is being taken over by Asians, his wife's very young priest is dogging him to attend confession, and his only friend is his dog. He regularly trades racist insults with whoever will listen and has no tolerance for anyone who is different. I won't spoil the movie for you and it is worth seeing without your children.

I also thought they did a good job portraying the conflicts within the families that immigrate to the US and the huge pull of recruiting family members for Asian gangs. The movie does strive to show that stereotyping is not accurate, and if an aging war vetran can overcome some of his racist attitudes then perhaps others can too.

I always have a hard time watching movies with this type of theme or plot. I have no illusions that we in Canada live without racism. My children have to deal with it directly, and I have the luxury of my white priviledge to protect me. I know it is there, that it is insidious, and that it isn't going away any time soon. The thing I have the most difficulty with, is how anyone can hate another person without knowing them, based on skin colour. From a practical viewpoint that just doesn't make sense. But from a human viewpoint it, unfortunately, makes sense.

Perhaps that was the point of this movie. That although Clint Eastwood's character is stereotypical, he represents what so many of us think, feel and sometimes express in a variety of ways. His character just has no qualms about voicing it.

What do you think?