"Whatever will be, will be." That is my new motto of the day. At least that's what I'm telling myself over and over today as I struggle with 4 year old behaviors in an 11 year old body.
This particular child has been home for almost 9 years, and yet we still struggle with attachment. It's definitely improved since day 1,but for this child, it will always be a struggle. Having a diagnosis of an anxiety disorder, adhd, combined with alcohol and drug exposure and a "less than stimulating" first foster care experience is a really tough way to start your life. And those experiences stay with you forever.
Despite the commitment we've made to this child and the million different ways we try to demonstrate it, I know she doesn't feel that she fits in. How do I know this? Because she wrote me a note one time when she was really furious at me that said "I hate it here. I've always hated it here and I lie every day to you when I say I love you. I hate you."
She would never verbalize those emotions, but she was able to write them. She never gave me the note - I found it on her bedroom floor (but did she leave it there deliberately so I would find it???). I know of many parents that would be devastated finding a note from their child like that. I'm not devastated. I'm sad that she feels that way, but in a weird way I'm glad I found the note. At least she's able to vent her emotions in a way that isn't hurting herself or anyone else.
And yet, usually she's seems to be quite a happy kid and although she's very quiet she doesn't seem to hold a grudge and can go from mad, to sad, to glad in a very short period of time. She seems to get over things very quickly, which is probably her way of dealing with the emotions to just pretend they're not there and all is well with her world.
We've been working with a psychologist to try and help her become more verbal when asked questions about things she's done (good and not-so-good). It's going to be a long slow road for her, and for our family.
That's why I'm channeling Doris Day songs.
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