Tears

I never counted on the tears. I never really thought about how many tears I would shed for my children after I adopted them. All I could picture were happy family moments and the day to day life I wanted as a mom.

But today's been a really tough one, and it's only 10:30 in the morning. I know I've had tougher days and I've had easier days, and I also know that I will make it through this tough one too. I have to. I have no choice. These are my kids and I must suck it up and do whatever it takes. And I will.

But in the mean time, there are plenty of tears today. Tears for my child who will probably never learn that she can't consume mass quantities of sugar without going into ketoacidosis. Somehow, despite my vigilance that anything with sugar in it, and the sugar itself, is usually locked up, she finds that moment when I leave the room and the pantry open. And that's my fault for letting down my guard. Keeping my guard up is emotionally exhausting and then I berate myself for not being hyper-vigilant.

She will probably never learn that this behavior is slowly killing her, and unless I can get her blood sugars down to a reasonable level within 12 hours, I will have to take her, once again, to Emergency and have them try to revive her. It kills me, slowly. And it kills me that I can't always be the perfect mom who is kind and understanding and knows the right thing to say all the time.

I never counted on the anguish and the grief, and the number of boxes of tissues I would go through.

I only wish there was some way I could make her understand what she is doing to herself, and make her stop the bingeing and hurting herself. But I can't. I doubt anyone can. So I have to "deal". And today I'm not "dealing" well.