September 9, 2010 FASD Awareness Day

Join us at the Penticton Okanagan College theatre on Sept. 9th from 7 pm - 9 pm for a special viewing of the "Myles Himmelreich Story - FASD Realities and Possibilities".

Myles Himmelreich, a young man from Alberta, lives with FASD. He eloquently speaks about his experiences, including both his challenges and his many successes. Myles is a seasoned presenter who has told his story to national and international audiences that include professionals, caregivers and individuals who are themselves affected by FASD.

In this documentary, Myles courageously tells his story, speaking candidly about the issues he continues to face, as well as the strategies he has used to manage and overcome them.

Following the DVD presentation there will be a panel of experienced parents and caregivers to answer your questions and share their real life challenges and successes.

This is a FREE event sponsored by PDCRS - FASD Key Worker program.

For more information contact: Christine Lind, FASD Key Worker 250-492-5814

Dirty Dancing, Patrick Swayze and race...

It was on tv the other night - Dirty Dancing with Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey. I must have seen that movie five times when it first came out in 1987 and loved it back then. Although I could watch Patrick dance for hours, especially with his shirt off.....it was interesting to watch the movie again 23 years later. (Note to self....watch Ghost again next time it's on tv. Loved the pottery scene with Demi Moore.)

One thing that really stood out for me was the fact that there was only one couple of African heritage in the movie, and of course, they only danced with each other. Well, and I guess that back in '87 the movie makers couldn't possibly have black people dancing with white people, could they? And perhaps I'm wrong on this point, it seemed that the "visibly" Hispanic couples only danced with each other too. Very bizarre compared to movies today.

And then I found this interesting article on labelling. How dangerous it is to label someone as black, rich or smart, because it can determine what we actually "see".

Jennifer Eberhardt, a social psychologist at Stanford, and her colleagues showed white college students a pictures of a man who was racially ambiguous--he could have plausibly fallen into the "white" category or the "black" category. For half the students, the face was described as belonging to a white man, and for the other half it was described as belonging to a black man. In one task, the experimenter asked the students to spend four minutes drawing the face as it sat on the screen in front of them. Although all the students were looking at the same face, those who tended to believe that race is an entrenched human characteristic drew faces that matched the stereotype associated with the label (see a sample below). The racial labels formed a lens through with the students saw the man, and they were incapable of perceiving him independently of that label.

And the situation is the same for labelling someone rich or poor. Here's the link to the full article if you'd like to read it. www.psychologytoday.com/blog/alternative-truths/201005/why-its-dangerous-label-people

Disconnects between expectations and experiences

I found this interesting article referring to expectations and experiences and it reminded me of when we first brought home our sibling group who were 20 months and 3 years old at the time.

Despite all my exhausted research and experience, I had not lowered my expectations enough to be realistic for what each of my two new children had already experienced before joining our family.

"Our expectations of our experiences dramatically color not just how we experience waiting for them but the experiences themselves. Four scenarios exist regarding expectations and experiences. We can have:

Low expectations and a poor experience, where our low expectations can mute the disappointment or even the discomfort we feel at actually having a poor experience.

Low expectations but a good experience, leading to a pleasant surprise.

High expectations and good experience, in which we get to enjoy not only the anticipation of looking forward to something fabulous but an experience that actually lives up to our expectations and therefore feels thoroughly satisfying.

High expectations but a poor experience, in which we often emerge bitterly disappointed or even traumatized.

THE BEST STRATEGY

The "gain" at which we set our expectations tends to be more a matter of habit and disposition than conscious intention for most of us. Some of us expect little, perhaps as a way to defend against disappointment, accepting the cost of a muted or absent anticipatory sense of joy. Others of us can't help having high expectations, basking consistently in the glow of anticipation but often paying a different price: the painful disappointment that comes when experiences fail to live up to those high expectations. Even worse, sometimes having unrealistically high expectations prevent us from being able to enjoy our experiences at all.

I honestly don't think one strategy is better than another but rather that different strategies are better suited for different types of people. If you observe yourself to be continually disappointed by experiences you feel you should be able to enjoy, you may do better by consciously lowering your expectations somewhat. Likewise, if your expectations remain so consistently low you never think things will work out for you, you may find yourself plagued by a gloomy pessimism that blocks you from savoring a truly enjoyable part of life—the anticipation of good things—and you might work on allowing yourself to expect just a little more.

Though we all may have a built-in set point at which we unconsciously tend to set our expectations, that doesn't prevent us from consciously grabbing the reins and adjusting them up or down to suit our needs. Certainly it would be ideal if our expectations always perfectly matched our experiences, but as the quality of many experiences is hard to predict, we might do better to adjust our expectation of how much we think we'll enjoy or dislike an experience based more on how we know those expectations will affect us than on how accurate we may think they'll turn out to be.

My own personal preference is to know up front as much as I can about both good and bad experiences coming my way. For me—and, I've observed, for many others—not knowing what's coming when anticipating something bad creates even more anxiety than having full knowledge of how bad what's coming will be. Knowing the limits of the "badness" I'll be facing enables me to focus on preparing for it rather than on managing my imagination's tendency to inflate it beyond all rational proportion. For me at least, the devil I don't know is far worse than the devil I do."

I would like to think my children have finally taught me to set my expectations differently for each of them, depending on each situation. And although for the most part I am usually successful at this, nothing is guaranteed as you all well know! But if everything was guaranteed, how dull my life would be!

As a friend of mine said "I've lowered my expectations for my son so low, that I trip over them every morning getting out of bed."

Here's the link to read the whole article

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-in-world/201003/the-danger-having-unrealistic-expectations

"But why wasn't he removed from that home?"

"If he wasn't being looked after properly, why didn't anyone take him away?"

I've heard non-adoptive parents ask that question about children in foster care who have had "less-than stimulating" experiences in their home.

Physical abuse is much easier to spot obviously because there are bruises, marks, scars, etc. Child sexual abuse victims will usually display sexualized behavior which sets off alarms with teachers or other involved adults.

"Neglect means that the child lives in a chronic state of hunger, filth, and loneliness. The neglected child is not provided the food, clothing and shelter needed. Furthermore, neglect may involve simply ignoring the child; failing to respond to his pleas; leaving him to his own devices; failing to stimulate his senses by talking to him, carrying him about, encouraging his exploration of his world. Neglect may also include lack of medical care and/or mental health services as well as providing poor supervision, no supervision, or leaving the child in the care of someone who is not capable. For example, a ratio of 1 orphanage staff to 5 or more infants or toddlers is not sufficient and creates a neglectful situation. This would be like having quintuplets—only your mother, mother-in-law, sisters, aunts, friends, etc. aren’t available to help out!" (http://perspectivespress.com/blog/2010/08/18/why-love-isnt-enough-part-two-neglect/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+PerspectivesOnChallengedFamilyBuilding+%28Perspectives+on+Challenged+Family+Building%29)

However for our kids that have experienced trauma due to neglect, it can be difficult to identify, and therefore difficult to intervene.

Here are some signs that MAY indicate child neglect:
(http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/signs.cfm)

The Child:
- Shows sudden changes in behavior or school performance
- Has not received help for physical or medical problems brought to the parents' attention
- Has learning problems (or difficulty concentrating) that cannot be attributed to specific physical or psychological causes
- Is always watchful, as though preparing for something bad to happen
- Lacks adult supervision
- Is overly compliant, passive, or withdrawn
- Comes to school or other activities early, stays late, and does not want to go home

The Parent:
- Shows little concern for the child
- Denies the existence of—or blames the child for—the child's problems in school or at home
- Asks teachers or other caregivers to use harsh physical discipline if the child misbehaves
- Sees the child as entirely bad, worthless, or burdensome
- Demands a level of physical or academic performance the child cannot achieve
- Looks primarily to the child for care, attention, and satisfaction of emotional needs

The Parent and Child:
- Rarely touch or look at each other
- Consider their relationship entirely negative
- State that they do not like each other

As you experienced, educated, adoptive parents all know....it's so easy for someone else to make a quick comment such as "how could someone do that to a child?" and shake their heads in judgement. But we all know that it can and does happen far too often, and that some of our children live with the affects of neglect on a daily basis. Many of us will spend years trying to make up for the neglect our child experienced...and at times it seems as if all our efforts are in vain. But we soldier on knowing that we are making a difference.

Little bits at a time.

"I wanna be a billionaire, so friggin' bad"....

It's an "earworm". For the last few mornings I've woken up with that song in my brain. I have no idea who even sings it, but clearly it's my not-so-subconscious mind telling me something. Hmmm...what could it be???

Could it be the $ 20,0000.00 bill we just got for our septic system?

Could it be the second round of ortho for my oldest daughter of $ 2,500.00?

Could it be the weekly therapy sessions for my other daughter at $ 130.00/hour?

Could it be the mysterious leak that we cannot find that is causing our kitchen floor to bubble up at several different locations?

Nahhhh, couldn't be any of those things....could it?

Here's the definition from Wikipedia...

Earworm, a loan translation of the German Ohrwurm,[1] is a portion of a song or other music that repeats compulsively within one's mind, put colloquially as "music being stuck in one's head." Use of the English translation was popularized by James Kellaris, a marketing researcher at the University of Cincinnati, and Daniel Levitin. Kellaris' studies demonstrated that different people have varying susceptibilities to earworms, but that almost everybody has been afflicted with one at some time or another.[2] According to research by James Kellaris, 98% of individuals experience earworms. Women and men experience the phenomenon equally often, but earworms are more likely to last longer for women and to irritate them more than men. (Does that mean that men are less irritating than ear worms???)
The Official Earworm Synonym List includes alternative terms such as "music meme", "humsickness" , "repetunitis", "obsessive musical thought" and "tune wedgy."[7]

What tune wedgy do you have happening today??

Congratulations to Ola (Zuri) Szadiak - Again!

Yes, once again Ola has made us all proud to know her and thankful that she gives so much of herself to AFABC and our programs.

Ola has been honored by Scotiabank's "Her Success Her Way" campaign honouring women who have defined and achieved success for themselves either through support of their communities, commitment to their families, their service to the Bank or by balancing it all. Throughout the year twenty-four women will be recognized, 12 from Canada and 12 from international locations. Ola is one of only twelve Canadian women to receive this honor.

Ola has designated AFABC's True Colours Mentoring Program to receive $ 1,000.00 donation from Scotiabank.

Thank you so much Scotiabank and thank you Ola!

The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog

This book by Bruce D. Perry, MD PhD and Maia Szalavitz is one I've been reading all summer. Not that's it's a difficult read or too technical or anything...it's just I keep going back and re-reading different chapters after I've had some time to process them.

The tag line on the cover reads "What Traumatized Children Can Teach Us About Loss, Love and Healing". This book is a fascinating look into how trauma affects a young child, and how children can usually, but not always, recover.

Dr. Perry writes about his experience in the eary 1980's when the generally accepted thinking was that children were naturally resilient and could always bounce back from any trauma they experienced. However he soon realized that these children clearly weren't "bouncing back", and has since made it his life's work understand and help children cope with it in innovative ways.

Let me know if you've read this book and what you thought of it, or others that you've found helpful.

Back to School Routines Teleconference

Kelty Resource Centre
BC’s Mental Health Resource for Children, Youth and their Families

Back to School Routines Teleconference
Wednesday August 18, 2010 12-1pm
To join:
Dial in: 1866-265-1385 code: 604-7076370

Questions? Contact us:
Phone: 604-875-2084
1-800-665-1822
keltycentre@bcmhs.bc.ca

The transition back to school is especially difficult for kids with mental health issues. Learn practical tips for helpings kids wind down physically and emotionally by tuning in to our expert panel which includes a family member, a service provider and a pediatrician. Our panel will answer your questions during the second half of the presentation!