Adoption Support Interior Region

Just your average day after school..

2011-05-30T15:38:00.000-07:00

Him: Why do I have to clean my room?
Me: Because it's messy.
Him:Why can't I play video games first, then clean my room later?
Me: Because that's how your room got so messy while I was gone. Later never comes for you.
(5 minutes passes)
Him: But you said yesterday that I could play video games when I got home from school.
Me:I said you could play video games after your room was cleaned.
(Crashing and banging sounds come from his room)
Him: Do you know why it takes me so long to clean my room?
Me: Yes.
Him: Well??? Do you?
Me:Yes.
Him: If you know, why won't you tell me?
Me: I do know, and I'll tell you when your room is clean.
Him: I have ADHD you know, and it's hard for me to concentrate.
Me: Yeah, that sucks. Go clean your room.
(Stomps off to his room)
5 minutes later:
Him: Come see how much I've done.
Me: No thanks, I'll wait for the grand finale.
Him: How come she gets to watch tv?
Me: She finished cleaning her room already. You can start by putting all your dirty clothes in a laundry basket.
Him: Where's a laundry basket?
Me: I bet you could figure that out if you thought for at least 10 seconds.
Him: (Stomps off to the laundry room and returns empty handed)
Me: Go get a laundry basket.
Him: (Takes one dirty sock and puts it in the laundry basket in the laundry room - comes back empty handed.)
Me: Go. Get. A. Laundry. Basket. And. Bring. It. Back. To. Your. Room.
Him: (Comes back with a laundry basket.)
Me: Now put the dirty clothes in the basket. Do NOT include toys, belts, food, rocks, magnets, dead bugs, or anything that could melt in the dryer.
Him: (Rolls around on the floor attempting to pick up things with his teeth)
Me: Get up and pick up the clothes with your hands.
Him: My tummy hurts.
Me: Get up and pick up the clothes with your hands and put them in the laundry basket.
Him: All of them? But they're not all dirty. I'm going to die and die and die all day long.
Me: Well at least your room will be clean when you're dead.
Him: That's not nice you know.
Me: (I'm distracted by a phone call)
Him: (He's now using the laundry basket to help pretend he's a turtle, and slowly creeps into the living room to argue with his sister that he gets to play video games and she can't watch the Suite Life on Deck. As if I won't notice an upside down laundry basket moving across the floor.)
Me: (Hangs up from phone call) Ok, into your room turtle boy. (I proceed to tell him item by item which one to pick up and put where.)
Him: Aren't you done yet?
Me: Very funny.
(After only about 5 minutes, his room is done.)
Him: Next time, could you please sort my Lego by characters? I don't want the Star Wars mixed in with Indiana Jones.
Me: Yeah, like that's gonna happen. Go play your video game. I need a cup of tea.

Anxiety....

2011-05-26T12:41:00.000-07:00

It's almost like clockwork. It's so predictable. And yet I hate that it's so predictable.

It's been at least 18 months since my husband and I have had a break from the tag team parenting that is necessary with my middle daughter. Despite her being 12 years old, we can never leave her alone. Not even to run into town to pick up milk. Not even to leave her in the car while I run into the store to pick up milk.

She is always either with my husband or me. But finally we scraped enough $$ together to head off to Vancouver for the weekend, and pay someone to come stay with the youngest two. My older daughter has soccer all weekend so she's staying with a team mate. Our respite provider's name is Gayle, and she is wonderful! Year's ago, when my daughter was in grade two, Gayle was her EA. She's efficient, follows the plan, she's kind, she's reliable. And...she's a registered nurse. So maintaining the diabetes care isn't anything new to her, and doing respite for us helps her by adding to her nursing hours.

So what's the problem? Where does the anxiety come in? Today at school my daughter's blood sugars started rising and by lunch time they were high. As per the care plan the EA phones me, I tell her how much insulin my daughter needs to give herself, the EA watches while my daughter administers it to herself, and we move on. Except when the blood sugars are this high I ask the EA to re-test in 30 min. and phone me with the results. Thirty minutes later the EA phones, her blood sugar is still going up, so we correct it again. Thirty minutes later the EA phones and now the blood sugar has gone up significantly, despite a mass quantity of insulin that has been administered. And of course the kids aren't actually at the school, they're on a field trip 30 minutes away. I was going to go get her, but the school bus was coming to pick them up in a few minutes anyways so we agreed to meet at the school. As they pull into the school she re-tests and finally the sugars are dropping. Two hours has elapsed. If the sugars hadn't been going down we would have been on our way to the emergency room.

This type of prolonged high blood sugar is not from eating food and not giving herself insulin. This is what happens when she is anxious. She knows we're going away and even though she knows Gayle, and she will be in her own home her body goes into panic mode. And typical of my daughter, when asked about it she says she feels fine. (This is what the psychiatrist refers to when he says she disassociates). In her mind, nothing has happened. She doesn't even "feel" any of the symptoms of high blood sugar. Not physically, not emotionally. She has totally removed herself from the experience.

It's exhausting as a mom. I was all prepared to cancel room reservations in Vancouver and phone and make one at ICU. What will happen tomorrow at school? Will it be a repeat of today? Or will it be a typical day for her? Your guess is as good as mine. Will we still go away? Yes, but we're always prepared to turn around and come home on a moment's notice. So even though it's supposed to be a weekend without thinking about our kids and their issues, I know I will be.

But for now, I'll be thinking about where we should eat in Vancouver, deciding if we should go to the Whitecaps game on Saturday or see a show. I'll be inspecting funky shops on West 4th and having coffee and chocolate on South Granville. But I will always be listeing for my phone to ring.

"Knock Knock"

2011-05-11T08:40:00.000-07:00

As I was searching my child's room last night for contraband, I came across a book I hadn't seen for quite awhile. "Everyone's Favorite Knock Knock Jokes". Really? Everyone's Favorite? There is no such thing. Knock Knock jokes are just another tool in our kids' arsenals designed to drive us crazy.

Oh sure, it's cute the first few times. And when it's someone else's kid who is obsessed with knock knock jokes, it's hilarious. However, anyone who gives a kid a book on knock knock jokes is right up there with the people who give our kids harmonicas, drums, tamborines and maracas. It's a socially acceptable form of torture for the parents.

As I recall, this particular book of knock knock jokes came into our possession from the regional library staff where I had signed my kids up for the summer reading program a few years ago. You know, it was one of those programs designed to encourage kids to read over the summer with reward charts, stickers, group activities....all those things designed for the typical child. And for lots of kids it is a wonderful program. My oldest daughter for example, loved it and thrived in that atmosphere. Well, for my other two...let's just say it was an exercise in futility. While other parents snuck off for coffee while their kids were in the group (personally I think "coffee" was a code word for the pub!), I had to stay and try and contain my youngest child. My middle child was so overwhelmed that she just followed her older sister around and I figured at least this way she was getting some type of social contact.

Picture this: it's a beautiful summer evening...there's a group of kids sitting on the grass listening to the librarian read them a story and using puppets. The kids are entranced with the story and the puppets...except for two of my kids. One is staring off into space. My son is sitting in the middle of the group pulling his t-shirt over his knees so he's able to transform himself into a ball - a wrecking ball. He proceeds to try to roll around like this and in the process hits several of the little girls in their pretty little summer dresses who are trying to hear the story and watch the puppet show. I think about pretending I don't know him, but we are already well known in the library (not necessarily for our reading) so I have to weave my way through the kids and try and remove my child, who refuses to stop being a ball, so I have to try and pick him up and carry him out of the crowd. Needless to say ths does disrupt the flow of the story and even the puppets are looking annoyed.

Mercifully the story soon ends and it's time for the librarian to draw names for prizes. (Why oh why do they do this with so many little ones there? Not everyone gets a prize which is a great concept for kids to learn, but for the little ones it only causes tantrums and tears.) And guess who wins a prize? My son. And what does she give him? A giant book of knock knock jokes.

Ok, so librarians have to get their revenge somehow, but really? That's just cruel.

It's all coming back to me now. I think it was me who hid that book. Can you blame me?

We Need To Talk About Kevin

2011-05-02T18:37:00.000-07:00

This is an amazing book, and one I would recommend to anyone and everyone. It's one of the few books I've read that I literally couldn't put down, and even after I finished reading it I couldn't stop thinking about it for weeks.

The story is about a fictional school massacre written from the mother's perspective, and how she tries to come to terms with her son and the murders he's committed. It's written in the form of letters to her estranged husband.

It may sound rather strange, and perhaps it is. However the writing is so well done, and you can empathize with the mother as she takes you on an extremely emotional journey of her son's life. It also speaks volumes about attachment. The mother was very ambivalent about her pregnancy, and this book forces you to think about how that influenced her son's development - nature vs. nurture.

Should be blame the mother, or perhaps the easily manipulated father who thought his son could do nothing wrong? Or was Kevin born a sociopath?

If you get a chance to read this book, let me know your thoughts.

True Colours Mehaber Camp September 2011

2011-05-02T13:13:00.000-07:00

Come camping with us! All families with children of African heritage are invited to join in our second annual family camp. We're taking over Whatshan Lake Retreat (www.whatshan.com) and we'd love to see you there.

Whatshan Lake Retreat has generously offered up their entire facility for True Colours - Mehaber. We have reserved all the cabins and campsites for our families, as well as the Whispering Pines Concession. It includes a covered picnic area, refrigerators, freezer, cooler, microwave, outdoor grill and propane stove. Men's and women's washrooms with coin-operated showers are also included.

A camp fee of $55 per family has been added to the cabin/campsite cost to help with this expense. (If you are sharing a cabin with another family, please also purchase the camp fee separately. All families participating are required to pay the $55 camp fee.)

Your camp fee also includes a bbq dinner on Sunday night - hot dogs and burgers included - please bring a salad or dessert to share!

Note: All reservations MUST be done through this site.

http://2011truecoloursmehaber.eventbrite.com/

What is happening with our health care system?

2011-04-28T19:57:00.001-07:00

It seems to be working.

I noticed today that one of my prescriptions would be finished by the weekend and I had used all my refills. I phoned my friendly medical clinic (they are very friendly - really!) hoping for a last minute appointment. Now you have to understand that there are probably 6 doctors working out of this office at any given time, and like most communities they have full patient lists and are not taking on new patients. It's usually busier than Costco on a Saturday in the clinic, and I knew my chances were slim to none. The receptionist joked that I was only asking for a minor miracle when I phoned looking for an appointment before the weekend. But she said she could squeeze me in this afternoon at 2:45.

That's not the best time as you can imagine, what with kids arriving home from school and all, but hey, I jumped at the chance. My youngest usually arrives home from the bus at 2:55 pm, so I thought I would leave a note for him where I was and that I would be home soon. He doesn't do well with "surprises" and he would be alone for about 25 minutes before his older sister got home. He's in grade 5, so it's not as if he can't be alone for that long. But...I was a little concerned that because I hadn't been able to give him any notice about this, and prep him for what he needed to do, that he would be worried and anxious. And given his ADHD I was concerned that he wouldn't see the big note written in red letters telling him where I was.

So at 2:30 I headed to town for my appointment and arrived a few minutes early hoping I could catch up on the latest issue of People magazine while I waited. And waited. Because we all know doctors are never on time. I had barely sat down and found the issue with Charlie Sheen on the front, when the receptionist ushered me into the examination room. (Yes, I took Charlie with me because we also all know this is just a ploy to help empty the waiting room while you continue to wait in the examination room listing to the oldies radio station.) I had just sat down (again) and dug my reading glasses out of my purse when the doctor came in. We chatted, he entered what he needed to enter in his computer, printed out my prescriptions and I was outta there! (And I never did find out what the latest news on Charlie is.)

I couldn't believe it. I made it home as my son was walking down the driveway.

Ok, so this isn't surgery that I was waiting for, and it wasn't life threatening. But I was really really impressed with that experience. Now it may never happen again, but I really appreciated how well it worked. Today.

It also made me think about all the health care dollars that our family consumes on a regular basis, and how lucky we are to have what we have. Sure there are problems, and lengthy waits for surgery, but compared to other countries we are extremely fortunate. If we had to pay directly for all the medical specialists that we regularly use for ourselves and our children, well I can't even imagine where that money would come from. Sure, we pay for the psychologist(s) ourselves, but the GPs, the pediatricians, the endocrinologist, the many emergency room visits, yada yada yada, are all part of our health care system. I need to remind myself of that more often.

I also think about my daughter's birth mom in the US, and one of her reasons for choosing us to parent her child was because we live in Canada. She wanted her child to have access to good health care; not just what was available for low income families in the US. Of course there were other reasons for her decision too, but that was important in her planning for her baby.

I know my experience today at the clinic won't necessarily be repeated, but I need reminders every now and then to not take our system for granted, despite it's faults. Our family is stronger and healthier because of it.

Help Wanted - Conflict Negotiator

2011-04-21T15:31:00.000-07:00

Required immediately. Must have many years experience in extremely hazardous conditions.

Duties to include, but not limited to:
- deciding who gets to sit in which chair

- resolving "seat saved" time limitation disputes

- establishing and instituting policy and procedures regarding watching tv programs and playing video games
- establish hierarchy on who gets first choice in tv show/video game selection - criteria must take into consideration the following factors: who was already watching/playing something, how long they have been at this activity, and if all complainants have completed their assigned household and school tasks in a satisfactory manner

- establish and institute policy and procedure for borrowing clothes from another household member and determine at what point in time the item must be returned in a similar condition as when it was borrowed

- establish before each trip in any vehicle where the line in the back seat is that neither passenger is allowed to cross
- in case all family members need to be in the same vehicle at the same time, establish who sits in the middle to, during and from the destination
- determine how far in advance "shot gun" can be called prior to any trip in any vehicle, and at what point that trip ends (ie. one way, return, etc.) and someone else can call "shot gun"

- enforce current policy that even though someone says they didn't leave the light on, they are still required to turn it off upon request of their supervisor. (This policy also includes closing doors and flushing toilets).

Formal degrees in behavioral management or education not the least bit relevant.

Preference will be given to those with military or correctional facility experience.

Hours of work: All waking hours and sometimes sleeping hours.

Rate of pay: Let's just consider this a volunteer position - no one could possibly afford to pay what this job is worth.

Don't bother sending a resume, just show up and you can have the job

Road Trip!

2011-04-19T16:45:00.000-07:00

No, not the exciting road trip that involves girl friends, shopping and eating out. Today was a whirlwind tour to Kamloops and back for a meeting with MCFD to review the new deliverables in our contract to provide adoption support in the interior region. Sound like fun?

Well, despite having to depart at 6:00 am (I felt like I was on The Amazing Race without a partner nagging at me), the trip was enjoyable even though it involved work. It wasn't until I hit Merritt that I found a Starbucks that was open, and since I had allowed additional travel time in case of snow/hail/or other bad weather, I had plenty of time to sit and enjoy my coffee. Oh, and did I mention I got to listen to my music and/or CBC without comments from any passengers? I still had plenty of time to make my meeting in Kamloops.

I was early for my meeting so I had a chance to catch up with Anne Kishiyama who is the head honcho (not her official title) for the region, and she let me go shopping in her "freebie" room where they keep all the MCFD fun stuff (as fun as MCFD can be). I still have a stash of lunch bags and backpacks, as well as tons of frisbees, photo frames and pencils so I didn't need any supplies from there. However, Anne has always been incredibly generous with books....all types of books. Two boxes of books to be exact.

No, they're not all for me (although I thrilled to be able to read the new Bruce Perry book before I give it to a family)...these books are resources that I share with families who have recently had placements throughout the region. There's several copies of Deborah Grey's latest "Nurturing Adoptions", Brenda McCrieght's "Parenting Your Older Adopted Child" and also her "Help I've Been Adopted!" written for pre-tweens and tweens. And I can't even begin to list the many children's books she gave me.

You may have read previous posts I've written on the importance of celebrating when kids join families at any age, and how for many families they need to plan this themselves as many friends and extended family members are not sure how to celebrate new arrivals, or if they should celebrate them at all. I started putting together fun stuff for families with new placements many years ago, and with the support of MCFD we are able to continue this.

I believe the books are the best part of the packages the families receive, and the other stuff is a bonus. Plus it gives me an excuse to connect with new and repeating adoptive families during and exciting and busy time.

So we did accomplish more than just me picking up books there - we have lots of new ideas for workshops, parent panels, family camps, transracial family camps, and much much more! Stay tuned and I'll update you as we finalize details.

I've been home for approx. 65 minutes, and now I must round up the soccer player, feed the dog, take the left over dinner from last night out of the fridge, start my car pool run, buy a week's worth of groceries, pick up the car pool after a freezing cold night of soccer, deliver the other kids home, unload the groceries and hopefully have help putting them away. I hope to be home in time for the end of the hockey game though....wish me luck!

ALL SOCCER....ALL THE TIME !!!!

2011-04-15T14:09:00.000-07:00

It must be spring....it's soccer central at our house. Which also means we can forget about having dinner together most days of the week. Someone is always going somewhere and needing a clean uniform.

Here's a glimpse of what the upcoming week looks like for us...

Friday - kid #2 - psychologist appointment in Kelowna at 4:00 pm,
Friday - kid #1 - help coach 3 -4 year old soccer in Penticton at 4:00 pm (car pool drops her off, I pick up car pool at 7:00 pm)
Saturday - kid #3 - game in Penticton at 3:30 pm, must be there by 3:00 pm, kid #1 babysits for nieces at 5:00 pm
Sunday - kid #1 - game in Vernon at 2:00 pm, must be there by 1:00 pm but we need to stop at the mall in Kelowna on the way to buy shorts so we need to leave by 10:00 am
Monday - kid #3 - soccer practice in Summerland 6:30 pm - 7:30 pm
Tuesday - kid #1 practice in Penticton must be on field by 5:45 pm - my turn to drive carpool
Wednesday - kid #3 gold program practice in Penticton at 5:30 pm - my turn to drive carpool
Thursday - kid #1 practice in Penticton must be on field by 5:45 pm - someone else's turn to drive carpool - kid #3 practice in Summerland 6:30 pm - 7:30 pm

And then it starts all over again. And somewhere in all that I have two conference calls in the evenings, a day trip to Kamloops ( 3 1/2 hours drive each way), get my winter tires taken off, have my windshield repaired, two fitness classes, two morning hikes up the mountain, and my regular work, and let's not forget grocery shopping, laundry, and attempting to keep the clutter under control. Oh yeah and Easter is coming up so I need to get the kids something.

Oh and did I mention we're renovating our basement and there is drywall dust everywhere? And ski boots are piled on top of suitcases on top of video games on top of Christmas decorations.

I hate chaos....but at least it's downstairs so I only have to trip over everything when I'm attempting to get to the laundry room...which clearly isn't often enough because no one has any clean clothes. "Oh c'mon, just because there's a mustard stain on your hoodie doesn't mean you can't wear it to school." Sheesh.

So I guess I shouldn't be spending my time writing this blog, but I'm waiting and hoping that perhaps the house-cleaning fairy with show up with her magic wand and make it all better. As if.

I thought there would be cake...

2011-04-14T15:10:00.000-07:00

...and rainbows, and happy smiley faces. At least that's what I thought when we first started considering adoption. All these things would automatically come with the child or children that we adopted. Clearly I was wrong.

Even through all the research, the education, the homestudy, the pre-placement visits, yada yada yada, I still had that tiny bit of hope that the cake, rainbows and happy smiley faces would come as part of the package. "Once the kids are in OUR home, things will be better." Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I'm not sure at what point that little fantasy expired, but I think it was in the first few hours we were home. Of course, things were slightly better once we got home - better for me that is. Living between hotels and foster parents' homes is incredibly stressful.

It was different for each of my kids though. My oldest (who was 3 at the time) thought it was great fun to have playmates for the first two days. Then she would wake up in the morning and ask "have they gone home yet?" My son spent his first few days escaping from his crib (he was 20 months old), and having meltdowns every time things didn't go his way. My middle daughter (who was also 3 at the time) refused to comply with any request and implemented her reign of terror on everyone. My house looked like a day care centre after a hurricane.

Eventually we implemented new routines and structure into their lives, but the cake moments were few and far between. There were times when I thought we would never have cake moments, and I often doubted my ability to parent. But I knew if I could hang in there long enough, and just take one day (sometimes one hour) at a time things would get better. It was slow going and often no progress was made.

But here we are more than 9 years later. There have been many difficult moments and often it seemed I would never see cake again. But I have. There have been many cake moments complete with rainbows and happy smiley faces, and those moments are the ones I remind myself of when things seem cake-less.

To My Son's Social Studies Teacher:

2011-04-12T20:39:00.000-07:00

Could you please explain to me how filling out a family tree chart fits in with your study of the functions of government? I fail to see the connection.

And by the way...thanks for this random family tree assignment. I really appreciate not having any notice what so ever that this was part of the curriculum. I was wondering why my son has been laying awake at night missing his birth mom and wanting to know more about her. It was great to sit up late into the night with my son while he tossed and turned and cried himself to sleep. Fun times. Fun times.

I realize I have not specifically said to you....my son was adopted transracially and if you are going to sneak in a section on family trees I would appreciate a "head's up". I suppose the information sheet you insisted be filled out at the start of the school year with this type of information on it was just another homework assignment for me that you haven't yet had time to read? Perhaps you didn't notice at the parent-teacher interview that my husband and I are of a different race than our son, and possibly your curiosity may have been tweaked enough to look at his information sheet?

Apparently not.

SAVE THE DATE......

2011-04-08T19:26:00.000-07:00

2011 TRUE COLOURS - MEHABER- FAMILY CAMP

Yes, it's "true" (no pun intended!) Our second annual family camp is just about finalized. Tam and I are finalizing details, costs, etc. and we hope to have the www.eventbrite.com site ready to go live in a few days.

First priority will be given to returning families, but there will still be lots of space for new families too.

So mark your calenders to save Sept. 1 - Sept. 5, 2011 for camping in the Kootenays!

To medicate, or not to medicate...that is the question

2011-04-07T07:02:00.000-07:00

We had this discussion at a recent pediatrician's appointment. For one of my children with ADHD it seems the time release meds that are supposed to last until after dinner seem to wear off right around the time school is finished.

Of course it could be that this child is so exhausted from holding it together at school that once the school day is over, it's safe to relax and be the quirky kid once again. Or, perhaps the meds are depleted around 3:00 pm each day. Or perhaps the dosage isn't correct. Or perhaps the meds themselves need to be changed and we need to try a different type. Or.....?

Well for this particular child we are extremely reluctant to try any other types of ADHD medication. We've been there and done that, and it nearly ended up in yet another emergency room visit. And fortunately the pediatrician is on the same page with us in that department, but there are other similar types of drugs that would probably be safe. So, do we change just for the sake of change?

I know there are plenty of people out there who thinks natural ways of counteracting the ADHD behaviors through eliminating foods with additives, sugars, etc. And for some people this may solve the problem. Not in this child's case. We need the meds.

I say "we" because it's not just my child who suffers when the medication isn't enough or isn't working any more. Every one who comes in contact with my child will have a much better experience if my child is on medication.

For example, who at school wants to be friends with the kid who can't sit still, who frustrates the teacher, who sits and cuts up their clothes, etc.? What teacher wants this child in their classroom? What sibling wants to be seen with a sister or brother who is constantly embarrassing them with extremely immature behavior? What parent wants to have a child who is awake until 3 am every night because the child's brain won't shut down? Does this help build attachment? I don't think so. Does this help build our child's self esteem? I know it doesn't.

Although medication won't make my child into a perfect angel, (and anyways, that would be soooo boring!) it can certainly help set my child up for success. It can help them settle at school so they can learn, so they can make and keep appropriate friends, have healthy relationships with their siblings, and have stronger attachments with their parents.

But back to my point about when medications aren't working the best they could or have been. Together with our pediatrician we decided to add a short acting ADHD medication for when my child comes in the door from school. This wears off by bedtime, but in the meanwhile it allows my child to get the homework completed, interact with siblings appropriately, spend time together with me that actually allows us to watch a TV show together without bouncing. And we've also started using a longer-acting melatonin to help stay asleep all night.

As the pediatrician said, "If the medication allows your child to be successful at school, wouldn't you want medication that allows your child to be successful at home too?" I couldn't agree more.

So for now we may have added yet another prescription to the long list at the pharmacy, and as long as it works we'll keep going until it doesn't.

2011 AFABC Vernon Family Camp

2011-04-06T12:10:00.000-07:00

Second Annual AFABC Camp August 19-22, 2011 at Fintry Provincial Park.

All adoptive and pre-adoptive families are invited to come together for a fun weekend of camping, sharing food and friendship, laughter and play.

We have booked a group site that has space for 8-10 families,depending on the number of people per family. There are no hookups, but there is room for trailers and/or tents on the site.

Plans to date include potluck lunches and/or dinners, with families responsible for their own breakfasts, snacks, and beverages. The annual North Okanagan Adoptive Families Barbeque will also be held on this weekend.

There are two flush outhouses nearby, with bathroom/showers available within the campground as well. There is a beach with a non-supervised swimming area, a playground, and plenty of room to explore.

Camping fees are $30.00 per family; as space is limited - first come,
first served; for more information or to register, please contact
Teresa Kisilevich (tmkisil@gmail.com 250-545-2653) or Joyanne
Drinkwater (coryandjoy@shaw.ca 778-480-4488).

AEP SSP, and other annoying acronyms..

2011-04-05T11:44:00.000-07:00

What the heck do those letters mean? It's one of our AFABC remote access educational series: Adoption Education Series Self Study Plus

Still wondering what that means? Well for anyone who has or is currently going through the process to adopt a child or children from MCFD (another acronym: Ministry of Children and Family Development)is required to participate in the Adoption Education Program (AEP) generally before their SW (social worker) will even begin the homestudy.

Generally speaking the best way for MCFD to deliver the AEP is in a group workshop format. Different regions do their 6 - 7 sessions differently. Some regions host full day workshops every other weekend, while some offer shorter evening sessions during the week for 12 weeks. However these workshops are usually only held in major centres. For the Interior region that I cover, there are 3 sub-regions. Group AEPs are usually held for the Okanagan in Kelowna on a regular basis. Once or twice a year Kamloops hosts a group AEP.

So what about the Kootenays and those families who live in remote communities in my region? How do they meet the education requirement? I'm so glad you asked. Since 2000 (yes, way back then) MCFD developed a self-study guide for families that cannot attend a group AEP because of distance. It's called....Becoming An Adoptive Family in BC, and is broken down into different chapters on the various topics.

So way back in 2000 this curriculum was developed and placed into binders for that purpose. However since the turn of the century, there has been an updated curriculum developed for the group AEP that incorporates current research and uses up-to-date videos and other resources. As of yet, the Self-Study Guide has not been updated, although rumor has it that "people" are working on this.

Several years ago a SW in the Kootenay region contacted me about finding a way to connect their families who were isolated and only able to read through a very thick binder with only their SW to talk with. So I came up with the conference call concept. (I guess I could call it the CCC)

I designed a series of 4 conference calls that coincided with sections in the Self Study Guide binders. Families would be referred to me via their MCFD adoption worker, and I would contact them directly to set up the calls. I didn't want to just go over the materials they had already read, I wanted to add to their knowledge and give these families an opportunity to connect with others who were also going through the process.
Since it's inception I have wanted to include as many updated resources as possible. That involved doing lots of research for ways to deliver the resources. I started with mailing out dvds and audio cds, but this wasn't the most efficient or cost effective way and thanks to Canada Post, things would get lost or damaged.

They say necessity is the inpiration, so several summers ago I spent quite alot of time searching for free, on-line resources to share with our families. And surprisingly enough, I found some great on-line videos most of which are actually Canadian! My goal was to add to the existing curriculum as I don't have the power to change it, and to give families a variety of different ways of learning. (Not everyone loves reading through pages and pages of materials. Shocking I know!)

We have had such great feedback on this program from both SWs and PAP (prospective adoptive parents), that last year we began offering the AEP SSP to the North region. Our ASC (Adoption Support Coordinator) there is Sherrie Jones and she delivers it for her families. Again, we've had great feedback on that.

So what else can we do with our AEP SSP? Well, MCFD has now contracted AFABC (Adoptive Families Assoc. of BC) to deliver two of these SSPs province wide. That is so fabulous! Sometimes regions don't have enough of their families to make it worthwile, so now we can include them in with other regions.

Last night I hosted the first of these provincial AEP SSPs. It was so wonderful to connect families from both the East and West Kootenays, the Thompson Caribou, North Central and North West, as well as Vancouver Coastal. We had so many great discussions, and the participants commented that although they were quite hesitant when their adoption SWs wanted them to participate, they all enjoyed the call and appreciated the updated on-line videos and resources I provided. I love when that happens.

So if you know of anyone who lives in a remote community or who doesn't have access to the group AEP, let them know about this program. It's the next best thing to being there in person.

That river in Egypt...

2011-03-29T10:36:00.000-07:00

You know the one....the one that allows my daughter to totally absolve herself of any blame, responsibility, or accountability for her actions.

Denial is a wonderful place to visit, but for my kid it's her home away from home. Living here is where she does her best work. Anything is possible here.

Feeling creative? Why not just take your pen and use it on the wall? And when you are questioned about it you can say you were just walking past and accidentally bumped into the wall.

Are you mad because your Nintendo DS died? Sneak into your brother's room and take his. Oh, and don't forget to erase all his files and stay up all night playing it. Come morning time you have no idea how it ended up in your room. You didn't take it.

Does your mom question why there are 15 sore throat losenges in your jeans pocket? You have no idea how they got there because it certainly wasn't you who put them there. Because you would NEVER take something that wasn't yours.

Do the scissors and cut up clothes on your bedroom floor mean that you cut up your own clothes? Of course not.

All those things you are accused of doing are not your fault. However if someone takes some of your things, well then that is definitely a crisis which involves stomping, yelling and throwing things.

And why doesn't anyone want to lend you things or let you in their bedrooms unsupervised? It's totally unfair because you won't take or destroy anything - you never have. Never.

It's just not fair.

Kamloops Support Group

2011-03-11T10:00:00.000-08:00

I had a great time last night making a guest appearance at the Kamloops Adoptive Parents Support Group.

Long time AFA volunteers Cheryl Peters and Monica Sivertson have run this group for many years supporting adoptive parents at any stage of the process.

Monica wasn't able to join us last night, but Cheryl welcomed us into her home with tea and snacks. (I brought a box of chocolately things - these savvy moms didn't fall for "I made these just for you!")

The time flew by with lots of discussions around our experiences with MCFD adoptions, what's happening on the international adoption scene, and of course lots of personal stories of challenges and successes.

One of the participants is just starting the MCFD adoption process and this is her second support group meeting. "C" has participated in my online Adoption Education Program Self Study Plus and is waiting for her home study to begin. I was so pleased that I finally got to meet "C" after getting to know her a little bit on our conference call series.

Throughout the meeting we were hoping "C" would not to be scared off by our stories, as that's always a fear when "newbies" join a support group. We may talk about some really challenging situations, but we also share how we survived that crisis, and can now laugh about it with others.

As we were leaving, "C" commented that she now knows no matter how crazy things get, she has a safe place to share those experiences.

A huge SHOUT OUT to Cheryl for facilitating this. I love seeing first hand how our volunteers support families at all stages - their experience and their empathy shows in everything they do!

So why don't more parents come out to our support group throughout the province?

Some join at the start of their adoption journeys and stop coming once their kids are home. Some come once because they feel they have to because their social worker has suggested it. And then there's the die hard support group groupies like me. Once I attended my first support group years ago after my first daughter came home, I was hooked.

Some parents feel they are too busy with their kids to come out, or finding suitable child care is impossible. Others of us grasp at any opportunity to escape for an evening of adult conversation where we feel welcomed and supported.

I always strongly encourage parents to continue coming to the groups in their communities. For me, it a necessity for sanity. (Hmmmm, that could be a new tag line for us!)

So please, check out our website for the AFABC support groups in your area - I know you'll have a good time. But be warned......attending an AFABC group is addictive!

Who are you...

2011-03-03T18:46:00.000-08:00

...and what have you done with my real son?

You must be an imposter. My son hates reading.

You have voluntarily picked up not one, but two books recently and read them without constant reminders (nagging) to "focus". And they're actual real chapter books, not graphic novels involving video game characters or Pokemon.

And correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't that you who begged me to let him finish the chapter he was reading, before he had to turn the light off and go to sleep?

And, I'm certain it was you who told me you had actually read the "points for class discussion" at the end of the book so you could hopefully do better on your Accelerated Reading quiz?

What happened to the boy who consistently had notes come home from the teacher that reported while the rest of the class had achieved at least 50% of their Accelerated Reading goal, you had achieved 0?

Dare I say it? Could it possibly be true? My son enjoys reading!!!!!!!

And honestly....I don't really care if you ARE an alien who has taken over the body of my 10 year old son....please stay awhile....perhaps until the end of grade 12?

Ok, I'll admit it.....

2011-03-02T14:23:00.000-08:00

I'm a junkie....A Dr. Phil junkie. My PVR is set to record every episode and watching them is my guilty pleasure late at night after every one else has gone to bed.

My favorite episodes are as follows, in order of priority...

1. The Dr. Phil Housewives - I can't decide who I like the most, or who I love to hate the most. No that's not true. Gloria drives me insane and in the last episode of the Dr. Phil Housewives, Dr. Phil was just starting to confront her - love it!!

2. The Dr. Phil Family - in case you haven't seen this family, it's based around Alexandra who is 23 (or some such young age) and a mother of 3 who doesn't have custody of any of her kids. Her parents are raising them. The most recent baby was born addicted to drugs. Alexandra is an addict and self destructing, and generally refuses Dr. Phil's help any time he tries to get her to rehab.

3. Brandon and his mother who are trained interventionists.

My least favorite episodes are any that include his wife Robin. Now don't go posting comments about what a lovely devoted wife she is....I know that already. I'm sure she is very lovely. Except I find her very annoying with her perfectly veneered teeth and her "good ol' devoted Texas wife" routine. Sheesh - I mean do you really have to be at EVERY one of your husbands shows???

So why am I blogging about Dr. Phil? Because I was trying to figure out why I like his show so much. He doesn't seem to back away from the tough issues, or interview celebrities who are promoting their latest movie or tell all book. You won't find any shoe-throwing antics on his show. I think it's because he really is bringing mental health issues to the forefront using mainstream media. He always is an advocate for any children or youth, and he puts his money where his mouth is by providing high end resources to so many people. He "tells it like it is" and says all those things I wish I could say. (Of course he has credentials and education and real world experience while I have none of that.)

Dr. Phil also offers his help to the philandering husband (or wife), the troubled youth that no one has been able to help, the co-dependent parent who enables the addicted child, and the bickering parents who constantly fight in front of their children.

Yes, I'm a groupie.

Self-Study Plus – A new free service for prospective adoptive families

2011-03-01T14:19:00.000-08:00

Adoptive Families Association of BC, in partnership with MCFD, is offering two sessions of our new Self-Study Plus program. This innovative program has previously been offered only in the Interior and North regions but will now be available province-wide with priority to families in remote communities unable to attend a face-to-face AEP. The program builds on the existing MCFD Self-Study model (print-based materials) and enhances it and the learning experience by including an interactive tele-conference component, peer support, and electronic access to the most recent and relevant resources, videos and articles.

For more information or to register, please contact the facilitator, Dianna Mortensen, at dmortensen@bcadoption.com or toll free 1-866-694-1222.

Day two of captivity...

2011-02-16T16:46:00.000-08:00

Day one wasn't so bad....my son laid on the couch, dozing, sneezing, snorting, etc. I didn't have any plans that would take me out of the house that day, so I just worked from home and did my usual thing.

Now it is day two. The lump on the couch is still there. Snorting, dozing, etc. I was given a brief reprieve this afternoon by my husband so I could go see my daughter's exhibit at the middle school science fair. He had to rush back to work (or did he???), so I was once again held hostage by a lump on the couch. Wouldn't you know it...this afternoon was warm, sunny and begging me to go outside for a walk. But could I? Oh no.

Day three is not looking good. He was supposed to go skiing with his class tomorrow but there's no way, even if he's feeling better, that he'll have enough energy for that. I was planning on going skiing tomorrow too, but noooooo, not now.

I am so done with being Florence Nightingale. I never get to lay on the couch for 3 days watching TV and dozing. And if I am sentenced to another day of being sequestered with the lump, who knows what I'll be forced to do. I may resort to watching old episodes of "Murder She Wrote", and "Law and Order" - including the original, Special Victims and Criminal Intent.

It's not that I don't have work to do - I do - but it's the fact that I can't leave the house that makes me want to leave the house.

The only saving grace is that my son has moved beyond watching Treehouse TV when he's sick. I couldn't take any talking animals at this point.

So if you need any free legal advice, feel free to ask me. By the end of tomorrow I will have watched every detective show.

Sorry I must stop blogging now - it's time for Judge Judy.

My road is more than 1 km in length...

2011-02-09T18:32:00.000-08:00

and on this day it is covered in snow and ice and -8 degrees celsius not including the wind chll factor. Our property is the last one before you start climing a long steep hill. At the top of the hill is a winery, which makes climbing the hill in summer and fall worthwile. My kids take the school bus to and from school. The bus stop is at the flat end of our road.

No, this is not one of those horrible math problems where train A leaves the station at 2 pm travelling north while train B leaves the station at 2:15 pm travelling east....yada yada yada. My point, and I do have one,is that my wonderfully adorable 10 year old ADHD son didn't come home from school on time today. I saw the bus on the road below us so I know it left the school on time. Oh, he must have had basketball afterschool today and will have left me a message on the phone (because we already had an incident last week when he didn't phone me to tell me there was basketball and stayed and I didn't know where he was.) Nope no message. So I phone the school and yes there is basketball afterschool today - girls basketball.

By now he is 15 minutes late and just as the panic starts to set in, he walks in the door.

Me: How did you get home?
Him: I took the bus.
Me: But the bus went by 15 minutes ago.
Him: I got distracted and forgot where I was going.
Me: How could you forget where you were going when you walked right by our house?
Him: I was looking at my boots and thinking about what happened at school.
Me: (Thinking something terrible had happened at school to make him this distracted) So what happened at school? (I tried to use my caring, concerned mom voice)
Him: We had so much fun playing snow soccer today!
Me: Snow soccer? That's what you thought about all the way up the hill in the cold wind on a slippery road?
Him: Yeah and I was looking at my boots the whole way.
Me: Seriously?
Him: Yeah.
Me: What else was left to say.

This is why medication is a good thing. Perhaps I need to talk to the pediatrician about upping the dose.

Save the date....

2011-02-08T19:37:00.000-08:00

Yes - the dates are now set for the 2011 FASD Retreat in Naramata. So mark your calenders now and I'll let you know when the details are finalized.

Friday November 4th will be a meet and greet. You can stay overnight at one of the quaint motels in Naramata. Then Saturday November 5th will be a full day of focusing on you. You will be able to choose one or both days, and we promise lots of great food and great company.

A freebie and some interesting tid bits...

2011-02-03T07:38:00.000-08:00

Grab a coffee and a snack and check out these links....

Need a quick break? Listen to this 15 min. free guided imagery download to help with headaches....
http://www.healthjourneys.com/audio_spa_treatment.asp

Here's an interesting article about goal setting....yes I see your eyes glaze over...seen it, heard it, yada yada yada. The researchers found that this technique was the most effective in encouraging people to make plans of action and in taking responsibility but only when expectations of success were high. When expectations of solving their interpersonal problem were low, those in the mental contrast condition made fewer plans and took less responsibility. Hmmm, perhaps if my daughter doesn't really want to succeed at changing her behavior, for a variety of reasons, this could be impacting her inability to take responsibility for her own behaviors...here's the link.....http://www.spring.org.uk/2011/01/how-to-commit-to-a-goal.php?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+PsychologyBlog+%28PsyBlog%29

Another great two part article from Arleta James on "Parenting and Healing the Sexually Acting Out Adoptee" Part One is here http://perspectivespress.com/blog/2011/01/20/parenting-and-healing-the-sexually-acting-out-adoptee-part-one/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+PerspectivesOnChallengedFamilyBuilding+%28Perspectives+on+Challenged+Family+Building%29

and Part Two is here http://perspectivespress.com/blog/2011/01/26/parenting-and-healing-the-sexually-acting-out-adoptee-part-two/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+PerspectivesOnChallengedFamilyBuilding+%28Perspectives+on+Challenged+Family+Building%29

And of course...don't forget to check out our AFABC website for tons of resources and articles and tons of different topics....www.bcadopt.com

What's on your playlist?

2011-02-02T16:28:00.000-08:00

As I huffed and puffed through my pathetic workout yesterday, I was thinking it's time to update my tunes. I had my ipod on random shuffle or no specific order or whatever it's called, and the variety of songs that came on made me laugh.

From Blue Rodeo to Eminem, U2, KD Lang, Little Wayne, Shakira, Nicky Minog, Glee Cast...it's quite the eclectic playlist. And sometimes I mistakingly leave on my guided imagery tracks.

A friend of mine was shocked when she learned I listen to rap music. If it wasn't for my older daughter I would never has thought I would like it either. Yes the language is horrendous but the messages are very powerful. There are days when I can relate to Eminem's anger and his frustration at the systems we live in. When Little Wayne is cursing at the racism and stereotyping he experiences I can only hope my kids are aware that this could be their experiences too. (Without the drugs, addictions and violence.)

Then my playlist switches to songs performed by the cast of Glee and they always make me smile remembering the episodes my daughters and I obsess on by watching over and over. Again, I think of the kids who are marginalized for being different and I hope things aren't like that for them, but realistically I know they will experience feeling different.

And U2's Joshua Tree album is one of my all time favorites and I never get tired of hearing the songs from there. Years ago my husband and I visited Joshua Tree National Park outside of Palm Springs - yes Bono and I have SO much in common. I absolutely love KD Lang's version of Hallelujah and I always sing along to my favorite Blue Rodeo songs. Well perhaps huffing and puffing along with the songs.

Music can have a huge impact on my emotions and I have to remember to use it's powers for good and not evil. Listening to serenity type music while I'm writing or working on something that requires focus and concentration seems to make the job easier. But the only way housework gets done is if the music is upbeat and loud.

It really is a great way to escape whatever is happening even if it only is distracting me for a short while. But it helps change my focus and hopefully moves me along to where I should be.

Ever since my first daughter came home at the age of 5 days old, I've sang to her. I cannot carry a tune, so I always thought her first words would be "Mommy don't sing." Instead she has embraced the power of music and although I can't claim the credit for her genetic ability to sing and dance she still belts out the songs (minus the swears) whenver she feels like it.

When my second daughter came home at the age of 3 I was shocked and saddened that she didn't know any songs. Nothing. Not even twinkle twinkle little star or any of the other little kid songs. No one had ever sang to her. It took her until she was about 9 years old to actually voluntarily listen to music, and rarely will she ever sing out loud. The power to soothe with lullabyes was denied her. There ought to be a law against that.

So I have decided that on my planet, every child will be sang to as soon as they are born and it will be required of every parent and caregiver to sing to their kids. No matter how out of tune you may be.

2010 FASD Retreat - Naramata

2011-01-31T13:25:00.000-08:00

Hey - I just found my photos of our FASD retreat in Naramata, so here's a few of them and a bit about our day there. Stay tuned for our update on 2011 dates.

Nov. 6th was a day of indulgences for moms, dads, grandparents and other caregivers of children and youth affected by FASD. Naramata Heritage Inn and Spa was the location for the day that focused only on the caregivers.

The lives of parents with children with FASD are consumed with medical appointments, assessments, school team meetings, IEPs and the need to constantly supervise their children, which leaves virtually no time for taking care of themselves. Without adequate support, parents face burnout and hopelessness.

Our retreat provided the opportunity for parents and caregivers to take some time for themselves; to build connections and practice self care. From spa treatments to workshops on journaling for your life; from art therapy to creating their own altered journals and card making; from yoga to guided walks along the lakeshore; participants were encouraged to focus on themselves and put aside their everyday worries for some well deserved “me time”.

Chef Thomas provided an delicious array of food that began with fresh from the oven croissants, and a delicious luncheon of gourmet sandwiches, soup and salads. And of course no retreat would be complete without crème brule and chocolate torte for dessert!

A huge thank you to the Naramata Heritage Inn and Spa for their donation of the facility and Aveda room amenities for our gift bags for all the participants. Another big thank you to the Victoria Foundation for helping fund this program, and of course the support of the FASD Key Worker program via Penticton and District Community Resources Society.

Here are a few of the comments from some of the participants:

“The Creator tells us that there is Heaven on earth, and today I experienced it.”
“A beautiful venue, the ambiance set the stage for a successful day.”
“Every bit of it was extraordinarily wonderful. I have a lot to take home and use, and I will go home a more energized, happy BALANCED person!!”

The party's finally over...

2011-01-31T07:58:00.000-08:00

...my husband's "significant number" birthday party weekend that is. And not a moment too soon. I'm all socialized out.

I rented a huge condo up at the ski hill for us starting on Friday night. Family and friends either stayed overnight in their own accomodation (I'm not crazy enough to torture anyone else to stay with us...) or they came up for the event and drove home with a designated driver afterwards. And for those who chose not to come up the hill such as two of my husband's sisters and a brother-in-law, we did a family dinner Sunday at our house. (Here's my kids enjoying the hot tub at the condo.)

There were plenty of people and kids of all ages including my almost two and five year old granddaughters, my parents, my siblings and spouses, friends...I've lost count of the number. Tons of food, beverages, gifts, laughter and of course no family get together would be complete without the drama that children bring. (Let's not get into the adult child drama...)

Although there was lots of laughter, there were also some tough parenting moments. Too much stimulation, different beds, different routine, different food, unknown people...put this all together and for one of my kids it spells a-n-x-i-e-t-y. Big time. And her only coping skill is to regress into a much younger age. Not much surprises us anymore with her, and we know it's only a matter of time before she retreats to a much younger age when she's stressed. But if we never did anything, or went anywhere so she wouldn't have to be anxious, then the rest of us would miss out on so much fun.

There is a tipping point in every activity, every event. And if we watch for the triggers and are prepared for anything, usually we can weather the storm. Usually, not always. Sometimes we have to pack up and go home (or the hospital emergency room), but not often.

Life's too short to stay at home all the time.

As I write this...

2011-01-26T21:10:00.001-08:00

I'm sitting in the Vancouver airport at 9:10 pm waiting for my flight to Penticton that doesn't leave until 10:15 pm. Yes, I'm usually heading to bed by then, or at least to the pantry for some energy to stay awake and watch a tv show without the benefit of anyone's opinion on how fake it is, or commenting on how dumb the plot is, or how no one would do that in real life. But tonight I sit at YVR people watching and waiting to head home from an extremely busy two days at our AFABC offices in Burnaby.

Ok, so yes there was fun involved - it wasn't all hard work, but it was also a very rewarding trip. The reason for this trip to HQ was to join in on the planning for our newly renewed contract from MCFD to provide adoption support to families in BC. I have counterparts in Vancouver/Coastal, Fraser, Central & North Vancouver Island, and the North regions. The two staff members from the North were not able to join us in person - they unfortunately had to suffer the dreaded conference call participation, but we only tortured them for 60 minutes.

The rest of us spent the day sequestered like a hung jury in the downstairs meeting room surrounded by flip charts, a white board, and countless coloured markers that never lasted more than a page before fading out. Although this too may seem like torture it was an incredibly empowering and productive day.

For the first time since the inception of the regional support coordinator program, we have the opportunity to help re-write and craft how we deliver support throughout our regions. It was an opportunity to look at where we started "back in the day" and see how far we've come. Myself and Jen Hillman, the Fraser region adoption support coordinator are the only two regional staff who have been here since the program began. We laughed about how we never had a computer network to connect to; we used our own home computers, everything was paper, no social media opportunities, to name just a few of the old style way we used to do things.

Back then we couldn't imagine how technology would change everything we do. And now we're trying to imagine where we will be in 3 years, or even 5 years from now. We had the opportunity to dream, imagine,create and brainstorm ideas about what we want/need to do. Always with the focus that we will never, ever give up on supporting families in any way and in every way we can. And that support includes using social media, technology, face to face support, phone support, live chat, family social events, retreats and family camps. What ever our families want in our communities we will try and find some way to deliver it to them.

So as I head to the gate to board my flight home, think about what you would like to see in your communities and send me an email, or leave a comment.

"The China Shift"

2011-01-20T09:00:00.000-08:00

CBC Radio has an interesting podcast available titled "The China Shift". Lots of great information and discussion. Here's the links to listen on line...http://www.cbc.ca/thecurrent/episode/2011/01/19/chinas-demographic-changes/

Pt 1: China's One Child Policy - The country's ambitious one-child policy is three decades old. And as the first generation born under this rule comes of age some Chinese demographers say its time to re-think this massive social experiment. The one-child model has effectively slowed China's population growth, but now experts say the country is heading towards a baby bust. China's working population is forecasted to start declining by 2015 and officials worry about a generation of coddled children having to support a rapidly aging population. http://www.cbc.ca/video/news/audioplayer.html?clipid=1752003737

Pt 2: China's Gender Gap - Every year, there are significantly more boys born in China than girls. And according to some demographers, that could have serious consequences for social cohesion. http://www.cbc.ca/video/news/audioplayer.html?clipid=1752003736

Pt 3: China's Annual Migration - We are two weeks away from the Chinese New Year and the largest annual human migration on the planet. Nearly 1.5 million Chinese have migrated to cities in search of work. And the trip home for the holidays isn't going to be easy. http://www.cbc.ca/video/news/audioplayer.html?clipid=1752003735

Planning for November

2011-01-19T08:08:00.000-08:00

What?? November? That's crazy talk! We haven't even hit halfway through winter and already you're talking about next fall?!?!

Yes, actually I am. Believe it or not, alot of planning goes into the events we host for Adoption Awareness Month in November. And for me, that planning starts at the beginning of the year. Why? Because this is a slower time, but mostly because I've had time off over Christmas and have recovered from the craziness of the previous AAM events, and I have this wacky idea that the next AAM events won't be so crazy.

Am I crazy to think this? Probably. Because at this time of year, it all seems do-able. The Interior Region is fortunate that we have an extremely supportive MCFD management team who are always open to creative ideas on new and exciting (?) ways to bring workshops, adoption cafes, new programs, etc. to families throughout the region. Not just Kelowna (the centre of the Interior universe), but to as many varied communities as possible. And when MCFD somehow finds some funds left over in their budget, they usually try to spend it on something to benefit the families. It may be resources, a workshop, an innovative pilot project; all of course depending on the amount of funds.

Last year we hosted the Adoption Cafes in Nelson, Kamloops and Kelowna and they were very well received. I'm still thinking of new and creative ideas that would be of benefit to families, so if you have any suggestions please let me know.

This morning I'm off to a meeting with the FASD Key Workers in Penticton to plan for our second annual retreat for parents and caregivers of children and youth with FASD. We had so much fun at the one day session that we'd like to add an overnight accomodation piece to the event.

There are plans in the works for an "Adoptive Moms Away" retreat in Vernon in May, a family camp in the Kootenays in August for a week, a family camp in August in Vernon, and I'd also like to try a retreat for adoptive moms/dads/caregivers in Williams Lake or 100 Mile.

Is there something you would like to see in your community? Send me your ideas, no matter how wacky they seem....because hey, you never know.

"You couldn't handle my full attention..."

2011-01-17T12:43:00.000-08:00

I love that quote from Dwight on The Office. That show always makes me laugh... and cringe.

What I love about that quote is that I could easily use it for one of my kids who is known to find all kinds of ways to get negative attention. When she does receive positive attention she doesn't know how to deal with it, and so the result is that usually she sabotages herself so then she receives negative attention. Makes perfect sense - if your brain is permanently altered.

Most people assume that positive attention and praise will encourage a child to continue the good behaviour. My daughter does not respond this way. She experienced a "less than stimulating" first two years of life and as a result is very anxious.

Another assumption most people make is that if we give our kids a choice, they will make good choices most of the time. Not so in our case. She has a very difficult time making choices even when there are only two to choose from. She seems to not be able to decide what she would actually want, or is too concerned with choosing what she thinks I want her to choose. Oh and let's not forget that she was affected by alcohol and has a slower processing speed and rarely learns from the consequences of her actions.

For example, if she is given the choice as to wear or not wear her winter coat in January and she chooses not to wear it, it's my fault that she's cold. But if we have a short discussion on how worried I am that she will be cold without it and I really want her to be warm and cosy, she responds with anger and refuses to wear it. Once again, my fault that she's cold.

Another way she tries to get attention is by acting much younger than her actual age. Now I don't mean that she has to actually act her age because she is emotionally delayed and her behaviors can generally range from 6 years old to perhaps a maximum of 9. (She's 12). What I mean is by talking baby talk and deliberately behaving as a much younger child would with temper tantrums etc. But if I parent her as that much younger child, she gets mad and says "I'm not a baby you know!"

Over the years we've learned to keep our praise for her very low key. When she was younger even a "high five" could throw any progress out the window. As soon as the words were out of our mouths "great job" we knew disaster would soon follow. While most kids thrive on the good feelings that come with having accomplished something, she never learned that at an early age. It has been a very long and slow process for her.

What does work for us is giving her a heads up that she'll need to decide on ...... in a few minutes so she can start thinking about what she would like to choose. For decisions that are a health or safety issue and we're not sure if she'll make the correct one, we don't give her a choice. "You must wear snowboots in the snow."

We also try to remember that no matter how long she has been with our family (9 years!), those first 3 years of her life take a very long time to overcome. If at all.

Patience, patience, patience.

Adoption Tid Bits...

2011-01-13T14:09:00.000-08:00

...that's Tid Bits....not Tim Bits...sorry for any confusion...

I usually spend some time each week reading articles on current adoption issues, so I thought I should pass along some of the more interesting articles. Feel free to send me some of your favorite sites too.

Think think think! Teaching Kids to Think for Themselves - A Great New Year's Resolution for Parents http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/PerspectivesOnChallengedFamilyBuilding/~3/QR68gOUO2LY/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email

The Persuasive Power of Swearing
http://www.spring.org.uk/2010/10/the-persuasive-power-of-swearing.php

Youth and Teen Substance Use - Alcohol, Tobacco, Caffeine and Cannabis (Marijuana) www.keltymentalhealth.ca/substance-use

Parenting a Child Who Has Been Sexually Abused: A Guide for Foster and Adoptive Parents http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/f_abused/index.cfm

Also, check out my facebook group for parents of children and youth with FASD, for more interesting articles. AFABC FASD Parent Support www.facebook.com

And speaking of Tim Bits...it must be time for a snack.

My new keychain...

2011-01-12T12:11:00.000-08:00

that I received for Christmas is the Vancouver Canucks logo that reads "Mom's Taxi". Before I had kids I would see these types of key chains and think, yeah right. That'll be the day that I spend time driving my kids everywhere. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Another example of how wrong I can be.

And my kids aren't really in any activities other than my oldest who is trying out for the district soccer team right now. But here's an average week...
Mon. - C has interval training from 6:30 - 7:30 pm (I drive)
Tues. - X has basketball after school until 3:30 pm (my husband picks him up)
Wed. - C has basketball after school until 4:00 pm (my husband picks her up)
Thurs. - C has indoor soccer from 6 pm - 7 pm (another mom drives her daughter and mine to this one)
Fri. - C has interval training and indoor soccer from 4:15 - 6 pm (I drive one way, another mom drives home)
Fri. - L has psychologist appointment from 4 pm - 5 pm (my husband picks up X from school at 2:40, then picks up L from school at 3 pm and makes the 45 min. drive to the appointment
Sat. - someone usually has a birthday party to attend
Sun. - we try to ski as a family

But of course, the above doesn't take into account early dismissal days for the elementary school and the middle school, doctor's appointments to re-new the prescriptions, trips to buy groceries, phone calls from the school to ensure L's diabetes is being properly managed, phone calls from C asking if a friend can come home after school with her, yada yada yada....you all know how it goes.

My calender is colour coded with each kid having their own colour, and before the ink from the printer is dry, there's usually something new to add, change or delete. I don't think the people who schedule the launching of the space shuttle are even skilled enough to take on the job of a mom or dad who has to juggle this stuff every day. (We certainly don't make the money the NASA people do!)

And yet we manage to run our households fairly efficiently (don't you dare walk on my clean floor!) even if it feels as if we're always behind on the laundry and the garbage can is overflowing. What do you mean we're out of peanut butter again?!

I would like to see household management as an University degree program with at least a two year internship and practicum requirement. And if you are already working in the field of household management you should be allowed to challenge the final exam and your years of care giving for children with special needs count as double time served. Then, when you are awarded your doctorate of household management you are automatically given a huge salary of a gazillion dollars with full benefits.

I'm afraid the wage would still work out to about $.03/hour.

My brain hurts...

2011-01-11T10:40:00.000-08:00

New updates on the pages to the right, and on the www.bcadopt.com and on www.afabc.eventbrite.com

Phew! I'm exhausted. Three different programs, tons of information to correct/update/enter, and I am not even close to being a techy person. But at least it's all done now. I hope. And thankfully our new communication coordinator in Burnaby can go in and adjust all the fonts to make them look tidier. I hate when the fonts are different, but with our web content editor you have to know the super secret code to change the font. And apparently I don't have the classified clearance level to know this. (Or perhaps the communication coordinator knows my limits and doesn't want to have to go in and correct all the other errors I made including the fonts..conspiracy...?)

But be that as it may, you can now find out info on events, support groups, True Colours on all three above mentioned sites, and if you ever want to start another group or event anywhere in the region, just let me know.

New to 2011 is a scrapbooking/life book concept that is being added to the Kamloops True Colours sessions. Kids from 8 - 12 years old can work on lifebooks, or anything else about their adoption stories in any type of format including posters, with the help of Tammy, and adoptive mom with tons of experience in the importance of our kids' stories. Check it out at www.kamloopstruecolours.eventbrite.com

So now it's back to my paperwork for the rest of the morning...and how come it isn't lunch time already...I'm starving! Then on to a staff meeting via conference call at 1 pm, and then back to answering emails and dreaming up new and creative ways to support you. Let me know if you have any ideas - crazy sounding or not!

Will it ever end?

2011-01-10T08:17:00.000-08:00

...That feeling I get when I hear someone I know is pregnant. How crazy is that? Seriously, I have no desire to parent another baby, let alone give birth to one.

And yet, there is still that loss that keeps creeping up on me and then slamming me in the face when I hear of a pregnancy for someone I know. The latest mom-to-be is at the perfect age for having kids...this will be their third...hahahahaha....and this was definitely an unplanned one. (Should have had that vasectomy eh?)

The mom is coming to grips with having another child just when she was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel for diapers, midnight feedings, and all the other parenting challenges. She's now much happier about it, but it threw her off for a few days, and weeks actually. She's an awesome mom to her first two, and I know she'll be great with this one too. And she has lots of support from her husband and her extended family. My oldest daughter babysits for them often and she'll be thrilled about getting to help with another new baby.

And yet for me there was this sense of loss, and "why does she get to be pregnant", an overall sense of discombobulation when she told me the news. Bizarre how that grief and loss can keep coming back at me even when I'm sure I'm done.

No, I will not become one of those parents who keep having children or become a "serial adopter" (you know who you are!). I am quite happy parenting the three kids I have. And I can always get my baby "fix" from other younger moms and their kids.

But I sure wish this feeling of being left out, of missing out on something, of wanting to have had that experience, would go away. Permanently.

(the photo is of my grand daughter Nevaeh)

My stash - I found it!

2011-01-05T19:18:00.000-08:00

So here I am at 7:30 pm trying to finish off my stats for the last quarter when the craving sets in. And suddenly I remember! I stashed some Purdy's dark chocolate pretzels in my file cabinet so I wouldn't eat them all over Christmas.

It's not Christmas anymore. So that makes them fair game right? Right? I'll just have few and then put the rest away and go back to work.

But the incredibly decadent taste of salt, dark chocolate and pretzel all mixed together is too hard to resist. I'll just have a few more...just a few and then save the rest for later.

Ok now it's later. What?? How did I eat the whole 100 gm bag? Ok so let's read the nutrition facts shall we.

Per 6 pieces which equals 33 gm....150 calories...but there are 2, yes 2 whole gms of fibre in each of those 6 pieces. So with a little bit of math skills here that adds up to approx. 6 grams of fibre! Oh yeah, and 450 calories. How long will that take me to burn off on the treadmill tomorrow? Yup I'm thinking if I stay on the treadmill running all day tomorrow I might burn it off. But that means I would have to clear off stuff currently on the treadmill. And then it is kinda dusty and needs a good wipe down. Hmmmm would cleaning off the treadmill actually burn enough calories so I wouldn't have to run on it?? I can only dream.

Now I can't focus on updating my month end reports...I feel kind of guilty....but not that guilty. I did go skiing today, but I was working until 10 pm last night. But did the skiing today burn off the 450 calories in advance...does it work like that? And I have been diligently working since about 2:00 this afternoon except for a few hours off the clean the fridge, the water dispenser and make dinner. And of course helping my daughter come up with a science fair project, enforcing the "you must read a chapter book for 30 min. before you use the computer" rule to my son, and let's not forget the many times I had to tell my other daughter to "go get the dictionary" instead of her asking how to spell every second word in her english assignment, her saying she doesn't have one, me saying she does in fact have two of them on her bookshelf, her trying to argue with me about it, me not arguing, her finally making a dramatic display of stomping into her room to get it, then pretending she can't find any of the words in the dictionary, and then me going downstairs to work in a less distracting environment, and then me remembering about my chocolate covered pretzel stash.

Phew! I'm exhausted and feeling the sugar buzz/crash. I better go make some tea. Perhaps another trip up the stairs and back down again will burn another 3 calories.

I can only dream.

Back to work...

2011-01-04T11:02:00.000-08:00

Did the holidays go by quickly for you, or did it seem to drag? Mine went by quite quickly and after all the hustle and bustle of Adoption Awareness month, I sure needed the break.

Speaking of Adoption Awareness month, in the next few posts over the next few days, I'll be adding some photos and letting you know how the events went.

But today is all about catching up on the paperwork and reports. And me trying to re-focus my brain to work again. Speaking of focussing, have you ever heard of "zentangles"? My sister is quite into this, and we got my middle daughter started on it too.

Here's a description from one of the websites:

Zentangle is an easy to learn method of creating beautiful images from repetitive patterns. It is a fascinating new art form that is fun and relaxing. It increases focus and creativity. Zentangle provides artistic satisfaction and an increased sense of personal well being. Zentangle is enjoyed by a wide range of skills and ages and is used in many fields of interest.

It's very cool, and very very good for kids with ADHD as it gives them something to do while relaxing them. My daughter loves it, and the great thing is it's portable, inexpensive (all you need is paper and a pen) and there's no right or wrong way to do it.

Check out this website (and there are many more to choose from) http://www.zentangle.com/index.php

Speaking of crafty things, both my daughters received Doodlearts - the full size ones! I used to love these back in the day and I'm glad they're available again. Hours of colouring, which I love. See, I really miss the days of colouring with crayons in colouring books as I did with my kids when they were much younger. And now, thanks to Doodleart, I get to colour with them again.

I also gave my daughters funky looking pocket size puzzle books. One got Sudoku and the other got Logic puzzles. My oldest daughter is gifted and she loves logic puzzles. It's freaky how she can have the patience to figure them out - it drives me insane! Plus she got another Professor Layton game for her DS which is also all logic puzzles.

Oh and I didn't forget about my son. He's not really into any kind of typical puzzles but my husband found a Meccano set for him and he spent quite a bit of time doing that. Everything for him right now is about video games. Actually it's been that way for quite a long time, come to think of it. But when he's banned from video games he spends lots of time drawing the characters from them. Or reading graphic novels about them. Can you tell he's a ten year old boy?

And speaking of losing focus, I'm supposed to be writing about something else aren't I? Perhaps I should go do some zentangles to clear my mind....?

Moms Away Retreat 2011

2010-12-08T13:21:00.000-08:00

Thank you Teresa!

This is just what y'all been waiting for. A weekend retreat for adoptive moms to gather for friendship, support, relaxation and fun!

Friday May 27, 2011 - Sunday May 29, 2011 at Silver Star Mountain in Vernon.

Cost includes accomodation and meals - $ 100 - $120 (see registration form for more info)

Check it out at www.momsawayretreat.blogspot.com

or call Teresa at 250-545-2653

Keep calm and carry on...

2010-12-02T07:42:00.000-08:00

Another one of those little ditties that at times seems appropriate, and at other times seems insulting and simplistic.

Today I vote for somewhere in-between. Finally after almost of month of daily crisis, I hit the wall. Crashed and burned. Yada, yada, yada. I knew it was coming because that's how all crisis es (sp. ??)end with me. And I was actually waiting for it to happen so I could move on and carry on.

Should I be locked away somewhere? No, I don't turn into the Wolfman or anything, so no need for incarceration. At least, not yet.

This crisis is/was one that I felt would happen, and unfortunately once again, my prediction came true. I wish I could predict the winning lottery numbers with as much accuracy as I can with my daughter's mental & physical health issues. But after 4 weeks of hyper-vigilence, not enough sleep no matter how many naps I took, multiple appointments with 7 different pediatricians, psychologists, and psychiatrists, multiple school based team meetings, the crash came.

I don't know about you, but for me the crash usually follows a typical pattern. I can function at a high level of caregiving for a very long time. This means eating poorly - too much, not enough, late at night. It means constantly having my child in my vision because if I let her out of my sight disaster will strike and she may not live through it. It means keeping all the above listed clinicians and school staff updated on a daily basis of her status. It means compartmentalizing everything and not allowing any emotions to break through. It also means trying to keep my relationship with my other kids from deteriorating while I once again handle the crisis child. And then it happens....the major debilitating migraine hits. I can feel it coming and if I actually listen to that little voice inside my head, I make sure I get myself home and stay there.

The last time this happened I was at an IEP meeting for one of my other kids and my vision started splitting and everything looked just slightly off. I'm sure they must have thought I was drunk or something because my speech started slurring too. I did phone the next day and explain it was a migraine.

Sure enough the pain and nausea came and took over my brain for what seemed like an eternity. But this morning I feel much better, and I'm glad it's over. The crisis isn't over, but the intensity has lessened and now I feel I can actually keep calm and carry on. Until the next one.

"Sometimes you want to go...

2010-11-23T15:17:00.000-08:00

...Where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came
You want to be where you can see
Our troubles are all the same
You want to be where everybody knows your name"

If you're old enough to remember this song from the tv show Cheers, then you may have fond memories of laughing out loud - even when you were alone. That's one of my memories from the late '80's. My tiny one bedroom apartment in Kitsalano (that was only $415/month!)that I loved. Where I would watch Cheers on my little 12 inch tv screen, without a remote!

The song came to me today as I was thinking about how far I've come in my journey to not isolate myself when the going gets tough. Although my preference would still be to go back to bed (with my nice toasty electric blanket), I have made the shift to talking to those who understand, asking for help, and attending a support group (one that I don't facilitate!)

And yes, the going is very tough right now. I know I'm not the only one struggling. At any given moment, many of us who are parenting by adoption keep having to revisit issues from our own, as well as our childrens' past, that keep popping up just when we thought they were behind us. Frankly, it sucks!

But clearly, ignoring things doesn't work. And pretending to everyone else that everything is "fine, thanks" doesn't work either. I want to be where I can see, our troubles are all the same.

And since you now probably have that song stuck in your mind, here's the full set of lyrics...

ARTIST: Gary Portnoy and Judy Hart Angelo
TITLE: Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Making your way in the world today
Takes everything you've got
Taking a break from all your worries
Sure would help a lot
Wouldn't you like to get away

All those nights when you've got no lights
The check is in the mail
And your little angel
Hung the cat up by its tail
And your third fiancée didn't show

Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came
You want to be where you can see
Our troubles are all the same
You want to be where everybody knows your name

Roll out of bed, Mr. Coffee's dead
The morning's looking bright
And your shrink ran off to Europe
And didn't even write
And your husband wants to be a girl

Be glad there's one place in the world
Where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came
You want to go where people know
People are all the same
You want to go where everybody knows your name

Where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came
(Sounds to me as if the writers are adoptive parents...?)

Quote for the day...

2010-11-16T07:49:00.000-08:00

"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same."

Carlos Castaneda

Anxiety, Depression & ADHD

2010-11-10T08:23:00.000-08:00

These are just 3 of the issues we're dealing with at home right now. As I was browsing one of my go-to websites Psychology Today, I found this article written by Frank Lawless is who a frequent guest on Dr. Phil. (Does that add to, or reduce his credibility???)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/redefining-stress/200807/adhd-v-depression-and-anxiety

He makes the case that once anxiety and depression are dealt with, disorders such as ADHD are then easier to manage.

It's a very interesting article. If you have a few minutes, give it a read and let me know your thoughts.

ADOPTIVE FAMILIES GIVE THE GIFT OF NEW LIVES

2010-11-05T08:34:00.000-07:00

A Statement from the Representative for Children and Youth

Over the years, I have had the privilege of meeting many adoptive parents and the young people to whom they have given second chances and new lives.
Through the advocacy work of my office, we are honored to see the enormous emotional investment of those people who begin down the path of adoption, and those that eventually get through the process. We see the complexity of adoption – both the process and the relationships -- and we see the overwhelming love and sensitivity of adoptive parents towards their child or children. We see in them the desire to improve the lives of the many children who have such troubled starts in life.
Many children's life chances have been shattered by the actions of adults who should have been protecting and supporting them. Fortunately and humbling for us all, many of those children have been rescued by caring, skilled adoptive parents.
They give them the gifts of love and of stability, the joy of a family that cares for and about them, that helps them heal and be happy, and puts them on a path to success. Adoptive parents transform lives.
I am so pleased that Adoption Awareness month gives everyone the opportunity to thank the many families in our province who have opened their hearts and adopted a child into their homes.
Not only do adoptive parents change individual lives, but they also strengthen the fabric of our society and our communities. There are currently far too many vulnerable B.C. children - about 1,300 - awaiting adoption. Adoption Awareness month helps to remind us of this.
One of my roles as Representative is to help ensure the voices of vulnerable children are listened to, and that they receive the support and services they need to thrive. It is through our advocacy role that we help many prospective and current adoptive parents and the children they want to bring into their lives. Helping to raise a child is one of the most challenging and important things we can do, and adoptive parents must be properly supported.
Thank you all, for making a profound difference in the lives of B.C.’s children and youth.
Sincerely,
Mary Ellen Turpel-Lafond
B.C.’s Representative for Children and Youth

The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake

2010-11-04T09:28:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading this book, and I'm sure it's the quirkiest book ever.

It has nothing to do with adoption or race, but it was a fascinating read. It was kind of like watching a train wreck - I couldn't stop reading it.

The story features a girl who at the age of 9 who discovers her magical gift. When she eats, she can taste the emotions of the person who made the food. (I know, I know. Sounds weird.)

It starts with Rose, the 9 year old, biting into her mother's famous homemade lemon chocolate cake, and tastes her mother's despair and desperation. (I wish they would have included the lemon chocolate cake recipe!)

Emotions, secrets, hidden truths are all revealed to Rose when she eats food someone else has prepared.

Definitely worth requesting from the library. If you've read it, or plan on reading it, let me know what you think. Definitely quirky.

Journalling...

2010-11-03T08:50:00.001-07:00

Who has time for that?

Off and on over the years since my youngest two came home, I have started and stopped journalling. The reasons I started journalling were varied, from needing a non-judgemental outlet for my emotions, to hoping to release some long pent-up issues, to reminding myself what is good in my life.

So once again I have started journalling. I'm planning on writing at the start of my day instead of waiting til the end when I'm tired. I'm taking a new approach as well. I've got a list of items to write about to get me started each time. Here they are:
My day
My goals
Specific problems or worries
Priorities/To-do lists
What I'm thankful for

A friend who is a journalling freak (in a good way!) and I were discussing the topic recently and it's because of her that once again I've started writing. She was telling me about how she has all the cool, funky journals that she writes in, and since she lives alone with two cats, she doesn't have to worry about her privacy being violated. She can leave her journals wherever she likes in her home and be inspired to write wherever she happens to be.

I was saying how I'm not one of those who keep their journals forever, and I usually end up shredding them. For me, once it's down on paper I don't want to look back and see where I've been and what I was thinking. (What WAS I thinking?!)

But that's the great thing about journalling she tells me. It's all about you and you don't have to be politically correct, or polite, or nice, or neat or anything you don't want to be. You get to say what you want at that moment, and it's only for you. Not many places we get to do that, is there?

Not that anyone would probably read my stuff, or that they would be offended by what I wrote, but that's the whole point. I need to be able to write what I feel at any certain time knowing that no one else needs to know about it. It's one of the few places I can be totally honest without anyone (except myself) making judgements.

Besides, journalling gives me the excuse to go shopping for another cool book to write in.

Does anyone else journal? What do you write about? How do you get started? How often do you write?

Welcome Home !!

2010-11-02T08:12:00.000-07:00

This is one of the best parts of my job - welcoming new kids into an adoptive home. When my two youngest came home, (almost 9 years ago!)we didn't really celebrate with a party or shower, or anything other than within our own family. The foster parents provided a huge sendoff party with all the people who were important in their lives, and what with trying to keep the attachment process intact, we kept everything really low key at home.
What I discovered from that, was no one else really made a big deal out of their arrival home. And that wasn't ok with me. I know for parents of newborns everyone gives them a shower with gifts and food, but it seems that for many who adopt older kids, no one really seems to know what to do. Do we stay away while they get settled? (Yes! Definitely!) And if so, then how long do we wait? (Ask the parents what works for them.) What's an appropriate gift? (Ask the parents.) And what ends up happening is, in the hustle and bustle of building attachment and working on attunement, the celebration can get pushed aside and never happen.
So quite a few years ago I came up with the idea of helping new families celebrate their placements. The Interior MCFD adoption workers let me know when they've officially placed a child, or children, what some of their special needs are, and if there are other kids in the home, their ages, etc. That's when I get to have fun and put together some items to support and celebrate the placement. As you can see from the photos, I include books for the kids on adoption, resources including appropriate books for the parents, and some fun stuff too. Then I package it up all pretty and deliver it to the MCFD social worker. The social worker then gets to deliver it to the new family with a minimum of fuss and interruption.

I love being able to provide support and celebration to new families! And I know the families love it too!

What about crying?

2010-10-27T11:31:00.000-07:00

After my post the other day about the benefits of laughter I started thinking about the benefits of tears.

Many of us adoptive parents have cried more tears, and cried more often, than we ever thought we would, or could. But the tears are more than just an expression of sadness arn't they? For me, it's another form of stress relief, of acknowledging the grief and loss I feel, of being able to let go of wanting to, but failing at, having everything under control and being a perfect parent.

"Emotional tears have special health benefits. Biochemist and “tear expert” Dr. William Frey at the Ramsey Medical Center in Minneapolis discovered that reflex tears are 98% water, whereas emotional tears also contain stress hormones which get excreted from the body through crying. After studying the composition of tears, Dr. Frey found that emotional tears shed these hormones and other toxins which accumulate during stress. Additional studies also suggest that crying stimulates the production of endorphins, our body’s natural pain killer and “feel-good” hormones.” Interestingly, humans are the only creatures known to shed emotional tears, though it’s possible that that elephants and gorillas do too." (Psychology Today)

Crying makes me feel better even if the problem/issue still exists. Nothing has changed, except afterwards, I do feel like I can then get up and carry on.

There's definitely a connection when we're laughing so hard, we're crying. Both make us feel better.

Fake it 'til you make it...

2010-10-25T11:16:00.000-07:00

That's a phrase I've been known to use when supporting parents trying to build attachment with newly placed children.

When you're exhausted and don't think you can keep on going....fake it 'til you make it.

When you're discouraged and feeling like you will never have a healthy attachment with your child....fake it 'til you make it.

When you don't think you can make it through another IEP or parent/teacher interview....fake it 'til t you make it.

When you're trying to have fun with your kids at the park and all you can think of is how you should be home cleaning up/paying bills/making homemade something or other instead of using store bought....fake it 'til you make it.

And before you know it, you may just be having fun with your kids.

There is lots of research out there that shows by "pretending" to enjoy what we're doing our bodies still reap the benefits of stress-reducing smiling and laughter. Apparently our body does't know that we're actually faking it and our stress levels decrease.

Here's an interesting YouTube video by John Cleese on Laughter Yoga.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXEfjVnYkqM&feature=player_embedded

Have you registered yet?

2010-10-07T07:46:00.000-07:00

For the FASD Retreat 2010 in Penticton at the Naramata Heritage Inn & Spa?

It's only $30 per person and includes of full day of snacks, lunch, mini spa treatments, lots of laughter and time for you!

Click on the page on the right for more info, or go to www.pentictonfasdretreat.eventbrite.com

What the ?????

2010-10-06T18:48:00.000-07:00

Me: What is it about kissing the bathroom mirror that is so appealing?

Her: Wasn't me.

Me: Yes it was you because no one else has been in there since I just finished cleaning it.

Her: Wasn't me.

Me: Should I take an impression of your lips and match it to the multiple prints on the mirror at your exact height? And let's not forget the lip gloss that you are currently wearing matches it perfectly.

Her: You never believe me!!

Me: Why do you think I that is?

Her: Because I lie all the time. But this time I'm telling the truth!

Me: You know, I really wish I could believe you, but once again the evidence against you is pretty overwhelming.

Her: Well I was just brushing my teeth and got too close to the mirror.

Me: Really - over and over and over you got too close to the mirror? And in different spots on the mirror? By the way, how did you manage to get your lip prints up so high? I sure hope you weren't standing on the (pedestal) sink.

Her: Well I had used up all the space down low so I had to.

Me: Weren't you supposed to be having a shower?

Her: I did.

Me: Then how come your hair isn't wet?

Her: See you never believe me! I was on the toilet so I couldn't have a shower. Duh!

Me: Then why could I hear the shower running for so long? You know we're on a septic system and you have to have short showers.

Her: Cause I turned it on before I was on the toilet.

Me: So you were sitting on the toilet while the shower was running? And then you were kissing the mirror while the shower was running?

Her: I don't know what you're so mad about! I turned the water off when you yelled at me.

Me: How about you just get your pyjamas on and get ready for bed.

Have you ever....?

2010-10-05T10:33:00.000-07:00

...used guided imagery/meditation as a tool to help you through a difficult time?

You may roll your eyes at this idea (I know I did) but it may be worth considering. For you and/or your child/youth.

A few months ago my daughter's therapist suggested it as a tool to help with her anxiety, and although I thought I kept my eye roll in check, I was quite sceptical of the suggestion. She referred me to a web site www.healthjourneys.com and to a specific speaker (?) called Belleruth Naparstek (yes that is her real name). So like the desperate-for-anything-that-will-help mom that I am, I went to the website and downloaded some guided imagery tracks.

And because I can't resist a packaged deal, I purchased a 4 pack that included general well being, anxiety, sleep and weight loss. Did I mention that I'm a sceptic when it comes to anything new-agey? So I downloaded the tracks to my Ipod, and made a cd of the anxiety one for my daughter.

I asked her to listen to it before going to sleep every night for about a week. Which she did, and now the cd has mysteriously disappeared.

That was a few months ago and since then I will confess I have become a convert of sorts. When things are really stressful around here, I will load it on my ipod and listen while I try and relax. Belleruth's voice is quite suited to the guided imagery. I haven't lost any weight listening to the weight loss one - clearly I have to do more than just listen. However the general well being one is quite good and I can listen to it while driving.

Here's a link to a free sample http://www.healthjourneys.com/free_audio.asp

Just a little hint - if listening to the sleep guided imagery track on your Ipod while actually trying to fall asleep, delete all other music from the Ipod. This will prevent your sleep being disrupted by Twisted Sister singing "We're Not Gonna Take It" after you've finally dozed off.

News from NACAC (North American Council on Adoptable Children)

2010-09-24T11:53:00.000-07:00

Web: www.nacac.org

Your Input Is Needed!

To help shape our advocacy message and priorities, NACAC is seeking input from adoptive parents about the types of post-adoption services that families need (if any), what services families have used, and any barriers they have encountered.

We encourage all adoptive parents complete the survey at http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/6BNG7WH, and to share the link with other adoptive families.

Shop Jockey. Support NACAC.

Between now and September 30, shop at Jockey and support NACAC. Give $1 and bring comfort to adoptive families. Get a 15% off coupon for your next purchase. Shop at a Jockey outlet near year.

Together we can make a difference in the lives of adoptive families!

U.S. Post-Adoption Legislation Introduced

In August, Senator Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) introduced the Supporting Adoptive Families Act (S. 3726), cosponsored by Senators Mary Landrieu (D-LA), Sam Brownback (R-KS), and Tim Johnson (D-SD). The bill seeks to increase pre- and post-adoption services by designating a portion of existing child welfare funding streams for adoption support programs. The bill also proposes a grant program that would allow states to establish mental health support programs for adoptive children and families.

In addition, the bill would require states to track and report data on dissolution and disruption for children who are adopted within the U.S. or from other countries. After six months, HHS would be required to create an advisory committee to study the disruption and dissolution data and make recommendations to Congress on the data collection system.

It's been two weeks of school....

2010-09-22T07:53:00.000-07:00

and already I'm bored of making lunches. I spend a good part of one of my Sunday afternoons baking for the upcoming week in a futile attempt to keep my kids in muffins, cookies, bars, etc. Here's just a short list of what I've made over the past two weeks:
snickerdoodles, chocolate chip cookies, oatmeal raisin cookies, zucchini chocolate chip muffins, rhubarb muffins, 2 lemon loaves, dream bars....yada yada yada.

One child will only eat cheese sandwiches, although he will eat muffins instead of a sandwich in his lunch.

One child will eat anything but peanut butter sandwiches.

One child will eat most things in her lunch, except for the apples. (Great - we live on an apple orchard.)

Then, once they get home from school the feeding frenzy begins! One child will head straight to the Wii for his 30 minutes of game time without eating. One heads straight to the pantry when she gets home for cookies/muffins/whatever. She can never seem to grasp the point that it's not a race to see who can get to the snacks first and who can consume them the quickest. The third one is usually at the fridge staring into the great abyss wondering why "There's nothing to eat." When I suggest yogurt, fruit, cut up veggies, etc. her response is "Nah, I don't want anything cold." "Then why are you looking in the fridge?"

The rule in our house is that all snacking must be completed by 4 pm. Despite my warnings of "30 minutes until the kitchen closes" or "15 minutes left for snacks" and of course my final "last call for snacks", my son will still appear at 5 pm whining about how hungry he is cause he didn't know snack time was over at 4. (The 4 pm rule has been in place since he started school). Then the whining continues if his older sister gets to eat a sandwich at five because she's heading out to soccer game in 20 minutes.

Finally it's dinner time around 6 pm and my poor starving son gets to eat. Last night's dinner was roasted chicken, boiled potatoes, rutabaga and salad. My son takes one chicken drumstick on his plate and sits at the table. Then he's up again to get a drink of milk. Then he sits down again. Then he gets up again because he didn't put the milk away. But his chicken is still too hot to eat, so I tell him to have some salad while he's waiting for his chicken to cool down. He has to get up, get another napkin and wipe off his plate with the napkin to clear off a space for the salad to land. You see, he can't have his salad touching his chicken. Then he gets up again because his favorite salad dressing is still in the fridge. Then back to the table to apply the dressing to his salad. Finally the chicken is cool enough to eat, but instead of picking it up and eating it with his fingers he picks little pieces off bit by bit and eats them. When the chicken is finished he gets up to put the bones in the garbage and to get another napkin to wipe any trace of chicken off his plate. Now it's on to the salad. He'll eat all the tomatoes in the salad, then all the carrots, then the cucumber, then the lettuce. Unfortunately for him I had added green onions to this salad so he had to pick all those out and get up and put them in the garbage.

Thank heaven my other two kids aren't like this. They eat pretty much anything that's put in front of them, although my oldest daughter likes ketchup on the strangest things. Oh and every meal usually involves her performing a version or two of whatever she's listening to that day.

Yes, dinner and a show are common place at my house.

W.I.S.E. Up! for adoptees....

2010-09-12T20:50:00.000-07:00

W.I.S.E. Up! – It's Back to School
Is your child or teen empowered or prepared to answer the inevitable adoption questions from new classmates, teachers and friends?
Are you from China? Are your REAL parents still there? Did you live in an orphanage? Is that your real sister? She doesn’t look like you.

Nearly all kids who were adopted by their families get asked these kids of questions. Haven’t you as parents encountered questions or been subject to comments about adoption? Well-meaning people may ask to be friendly or just out curiosity.

“Oh, is your husband Asian?”, “Do you know anything about her real parents?”, or “Are they really brothers?” or comments like “Oh, those children are sooo lucky!”, and “She’s so adorable, how could anyone give her away!”

Most parents therefore quickly learn that in order to minimize and cope more effectively with the distress these experiences can bring, they must prepare themselves for the questions and develop responses that they are comfortable with.

Adopted children and teens likely encounter these very same experiences – with their peers – friends, classmates – and perhaps even with teachers. It is important that they be prepared. Children often receive misinformation about adoption – from television/movies and the media. Do birth mothers sell their babies sold on the Internet? Are some adopted children kidnapped from their birth parents?

Driven by fears and understandable curiosity, with little understanding of what adoption means, non-adopted children may relate to the adoptee as they might to a child with a physical disability - asking questions and making comments to accentuate how they are different – to distance themselves from the adoptee in order to comfort themselves that this could never happen to them. Knowing that they are delving into private territory, non-adopted children are likely to ask these questions when other adults are not around.

The children we see at The Center for Adoption Support & Education, Inc. (C.A.S.E.) have shared the kinds of questions they get from their peers. These experiences create an added burden of emotional vulnerability. In response to this predicament, C.A.S.E developed the W.I.S.E. Up! Program to empower children to respond to questions and comments made about adoption. It is a powerful tool that is taught to children in groups, in individual, and family therapy, at camps for adopted children, programs run by adoptive parent support groups, and parent workshops. So that parents could teach this empowering tool to their children, the W.I.S.E. Up! Powerbook (written by Marilyn Schoettle) was created, and a complete facilitator’s guide for teaching the program to parents is available through C.A.S.E. as well.

WHAT IS W.I.S.E. Up!
The W.I.S.E. Up! Program first helps children realize that they are smarter than their peers – or WISER about adoption because of their experience of growing up in an adoptive family. They can take on the role of “expert”. This understanding alone helps introduce and prepare adopted children for the distinct likelihood that they will get asked questions and the reasons why.

Second, children learn to think about who is asking the question/making the comment and what they think is the motivation behind the question. Is the question coming from a trusted friend, from the class bully, from a teacher, etc. Is the person just curious or trying to tease?

Third, children learn to identify how they feel about

1.the person asking the question/making the comment
2.when the question is being asked – are they alone with their friend, or in front of other classmates; what kind of mood are they in – how are they feeling at that particular moment
3.how they feel about the question/comment. Children are usually shown a list of possible feelings including – sad, angry, surprised, shy, happy, confused, embarrassed, etc.
In the final and fourth step, children learn that they have four possible options for responding – each represented by the four letters of W.I.S.E., a tool designed for quick memorization. They actively CHOOSE how to respond.

W = WALK AWAY, or ignore what you hear.
I = IT’S PRIVATE, I do not have to share information with anyone, and I can say that appropriately, even to adults.
S = SHARE SOMETHING about my adoption story, but I can think carefully about what I want to let others know.
E = EDUCATE OTHERS about adoption in general, for example, I can talk about how adoption works today, successful adoptees, inaccurate information in the media, etc. I know a lot about it.

With practice, children can choose between W, I, S, or E without hesitation. In the process of embracing the W.I.S.E. Up! Program into their lives, they sometimes find themselves able to “take the sting out” by laughing at the question. They also learn to anticipate additional questions that may come when they respond with S or E. The W.I.S.E. Up! Tool can turn a challenging moment into an experience of confidence and success.

Parents and therapists who use this program with children also find that it is often a door opener that can lead to other important discussions/conversations about adoption.

The W.I.S.E. Up! Program was created by Marilyn Schoettle, former director of education and publications at The Center for Adoption Support & Education

Adoption Issues - Adoption Information, Resource

FASD Awareness Day and I Hate Lindsay Lohan Day

2010-09-09T12:56:00.000-07:00

Yes it's a double whammy day today.

Although perhaps you're not as current with celebrity gossip as I am (although my daughter would disagree completely!!), surely you've heard about Lindsay Lohan, AKA Lilo, and her struggles with addiction issues, drunk driving, her 4, yes 4, stints in rehab, and her jail sentences.

As I was reading through my favorite gossip website (on my lunch break in case you're wondering!) which is www.laineygossip.com, there was a link to an article about Lindsay Lohan who wants to have a baby to keep herself sober. YIKES!

InTouch Weekly reports:
The star (Lilo) has confided to a pal that she’s determined to stay sober and thinks the best way for her to achieve that goal is to get pregnant. According to the pal, Lindsay, 24, hates being alone and thinks a baby would make the perfect companion. She’s seen what motherhood has done for former party girl Nicole Richie and thinks it can do the same for her. “She needs to be around someone nearly 24 hours a day,” the pal says. “She thinks having a baby could straighten out her life.”

And on today of all days. It's FASD Awareness Day. Those of us who work with, live with, care for and love people who have been exposed to alcohol in utero, and who struggle daily to support them, have zero tolerance for people like Lindsay.

I love reading my gossip site just for the distraction (and photos of Colin Farrell)and I know very few people who think the celebrity lifestyle is something we really want to achieve. Unfortunately, there are young women who look to Lindsay Lohan as a role model and want her lifestyle with endless shopping and parties.

Got a problem with alcohol? Drugs? Here's a solution - get pregnant. Because all your addiction issues will disappear the instant that baby starts growing inside you. Don't worry that your body isn't in any shape to carry a baby to full term, or that you may not even know you're pregnant for a few months anyways. Sure, then you can stop drinking. Right? You won't take any drugs once you know for sure you're pregnant. Right? You can stop anytime because you don't have a problem.

I hate Lindsay Lohan.

I'm not lying.....honest!

2010-09-08T16:15:00.000-07:00

There are days when I swear my daughter could pass a lie-detector test. She's always been one of these "creative" kids who will think up a quick story instead of telling the truth. Even for ordinary, everyday day stuff.

For example:
Me: Did you bring your planner home from school?
Her: My teacher said I wasn't supposed to bring it home every day.
Me: Oh. Because two days ago, your teacher wrote a note in it that you are supposed to bring it home every night and get it signed, and bring it to school the following day.
Her: That's for everyone else, not me.

Crazy eh?

Here's another example:

Me: Did you clean up all the Lego pieces on your bedroom floor that you were playing with?
Her: Yes.
Me: When I check, what will I find?
Her: I'm not lying, honest.
Me: Then I wonder how all that Lego escaped the box and got all over your floor?
Her: It was him. (Meaning her brother who has been over at a friend's house all day.)
Me: Well I guess you should clean it up now.

Do you ever watch the show "Lie to Me" starring Tim Roth? I want some of those skills in reading people to detect if they're truthful or not.

Here's some things I learned.
- people don't usually fidget or look away when they're lying (so much for the eye contact thing)
- Less blinking, more pauses in talking, vocal tension, pupil dilation, chin raise and nervousness don't consistently mean someone is lying.
- it's difficult to detect lies in people we know well and that we like, because we tend to trust them to be truthful

So how can I tell if someone is lying to me? Well here's some tips I picked up from a psychology blog...
- Individual differences are key. Some people's natural behaviour looks honest while others' natural behaviour doesn't. This won't tell you whether each is lying. E.g. introverts or socially nervous people tend to look as though they're lying when they're not. The way to do it is using comparisons. It's possible to spot falsehoods when they are compared with truthful statements.
- Micro-expressions. Good lie detectors can pick up on tiny facial movements that give away lies. The problem is that they're 'micro' so they're difficult to detect.
- Vocal inflection can be vital. There's evidence it's easier to detect lies just from the voice. The eyes are relatively easy to control and it can be better if we can't see them.
- Rely on intuition. People may be better at detecting lies with their intuition. Implicit or broadly unconscious processes can be more effective than conscious directed thought.
- Lying is hard work. Lying can place high cognitive demands on an individual - putting more pressure on a suspected liar can help with detection.

Hmmmm....what do they mean by "more pressure"? Water torture? (That wouldn't work - the kid already takes too long in the shower - my water bill is high enough!)
Bamboo under the finger nails? (She doesn't have any fingernails. And I don't have any bamboo.) Have her sit on a chair in a dark room with a bright light aimed at her? (There goes my electric bill.)

Oh wait....I heard about this technique that they use at Guantanamo Bay for suspected terrorists. It's dangerous, and although it doesn't work with everyone there it has proven quite effective for hard core liars.

It's called...losing your TV and computer privileges and having to be my helper for cleaning the house.

September 9, 2010 FASD Awareness Day

2010-08-31T11:34:00.000-07:00

Join us at the Penticton Okanagan College theatre on Sept. 9th from 7 pm - 9 pm for a special viewing of the "Myles Himmelreich Story - FASD Realities and Possibilities".

Myles Himmelreich, a young man from Alberta, lives with FASD. He eloquently speaks about his experiences, including both his challenges and his many successes. Myles is a seasoned presenter who has told his story to national and international audiences that include professionals, caregivers and individuals who are themselves affected by FASD.

In this documentary, Myles courageously tells his story, speaking candidly about the issues he continues to face, as well as the strategies he has used to manage and overcome them.

Following the DVD presentation there will be a panel of experienced parents and caregivers to answer your questions and share their real life challenges and successes.

This is a FREE event sponsored by PDCRS - FASD Key Worker program.

For more information contact: Christine Lind, FASD Key Worker 250-492-5814

Dirty Dancing, Patrick Swayze and race...

2010-08-30T09:20:00.000-07:00

It was on tv the other night - Dirty Dancing with Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey. I must have seen that movie five times when it first came out in 1987 and loved it back then. Although I could watch Patrick dance for hours, especially with his shirt off.....it was interesting to watch the movie again 23 years later. (Note to self....watch Ghost again next time it's on tv. Loved the pottery scene with Demi Moore.)

One thing that really stood out for me was the fact that there was only one couple of African heritage in the movie, and of course, they only danced with each other. Well, and I guess that back in '87 the movie makers couldn't possibly have black people dancing with white people, could they? And perhaps I'm wrong on this point, it seemed that the "visibly" Hispanic couples only danced with each other too. Very bizarre compared to movies today.

And then I found this interesting article on labelling. How dangerous it is to label someone as black, rich or smart, because it can determine what we actually "see".

Jennifer Eberhardt, a social psychologist at Stanford, and her colleagues showed white college students a pictures of a man who was racially ambiguous--he could have plausibly fallen into the "white" category or the "black" category. For half the students, the face was described as belonging to a white man, and for the other half it was described as belonging to a black man. In one task, the experimenter asked the students to spend four minutes drawing the face as it sat on the screen in front of them. Although all the students were looking at the same face, those who tended to believe that race is an entrenched human characteristic drew faces that matched the stereotype associated with the label (see a sample below). The racial labels formed a lens through with the students saw the man, and they were incapable of perceiving him independently of that label.

And the situation is the same for labelling someone rich or poor. Here's the link to the full article if you'd like to read it. www.psychologytoday.com/blog/alternative-truths/201005/why-its-dangerous-label-people

Disconnects between expectations and experiences

2010-08-25T09:43:00.000-07:00

I found this interesting article referring to expectations and experiences and it reminded me of when we first brought home our sibling group who were 20 months and 3 years old at the time.

Despite all my exhausted research and experience, I had not lowered my expectations enough to be realistic for what each of my two new children had already experienced before joining our family.

"Our expectations of our experiences dramatically color not just how we experience waiting for them but the experiences themselves. Four scenarios exist regarding expectations and experiences. We can have:

Low expectations and a poor experience, where our low expectations can mute the disappointment or even the discomfort we feel at actually having a poor experience.

Low expectations but a good experience, leading to a pleasant surprise.

High expectations and good experience, in which we get to enjoy not only the anticipation of looking forward to something fabulous but an experience that actually lives up to our expectations and therefore feels thoroughly satisfying.

High expectations but a poor experience, in which we often emerge bitterly disappointed or even traumatized.

THE BEST STRATEGY

The "gain" at which we set our expectations tends to be more a matter of habit and disposition than conscious intention for most of us. Some of us expect little, perhaps as a way to defend against disappointment, accepting the cost of a muted or absent anticipatory sense of joy. Others of us can't help having high expectations, basking consistently in the glow of anticipation but often paying a different price: the painful disappointment that comes when experiences fail to live up to those high expectations. Even worse, sometimes having unrealistically high expectations prevent us from being able to enjoy our experiences at all.

I honestly don't think one strategy is better than another but rather that different strategies are better suited for different types of people. If you observe yourself to be continually disappointed by experiences you feel you should be able to enjoy, you may do better by consciously lowering your expectations somewhat. Likewise, if your expectations remain so consistently low you never think things will work out for you, you may find yourself plagued by a gloomy pessimism that blocks you from savoring a truly enjoyable part of life—the anticipation of good things—and you might work on allowing yourself to expect just a little more.

Though we all may have a built-in set point at which we unconsciously tend to set our expectations, that doesn't prevent us from consciously grabbing the reins and adjusting them up or down to suit our needs. Certainly it would be ideal if our expectations always perfectly matched our experiences, but as the quality of many experiences is hard to predict, we might do better to adjust our expectation of how much we think we'll enjoy or dislike an experience based more on how we know those expectations will affect us than on how accurate we may think they'll turn out to be.

My own personal preference is to know up front as much as I can about both good and bad experiences coming my way. For me—and, I've observed, for many others—not knowing what's coming when anticipating something bad creates even more anxiety than having full knowledge of how bad what's coming will be. Knowing the limits of the "badness" I'll be facing enables me to focus on preparing for it rather than on managing my imagination's tendency to inflate it beyond all rational proportion. For me at least, the devil I don't know is far worse than the devil I do."

I would like to think my children have finally taught me to set my expectations differently for each of them, depending on each situation. And although for the most part I am usually successful at this, nothing is guaranteed as you all well know! But if everything was guaranteed, how dull my life would be!

As a friend of mine said "I've lowered my expectations for my son so low, that I trip over them every morning getting out of bed."

Here's the link to read the whole article

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-in-world/201003/the-danger-having-unrealistic-expectations

"But why wasn't he removed from that home?"

2010-08-19T11:08:00.000-07:00

"If he wasn't being looked after properly, why didn't anyone take him away?"

I've heard non-adoptive parents ask that question about children in foster care who have had "less-than stimulating" experiences in their home.

Physical abuse is much easier to spot obviously because there are bruises, marks, scars, etc. Child sexual abuse victims will usually display sexualized behavior which sets off alarms with teachers or other involved adults.

"Neglect means that the child lives in a chronic state of hunger, filth, and loneliness. The neglected child is not provided the food, clothing and shelter needed. Furthermore, neglect may involve simply ignoring the child; failing to respond to his pleas; leaving him to his own devices; failing to stimulate his senses by talking to him, carrying him about, encouraging his exploration of his world. Neglect may also include lack of medical care and/or mental health services as well as providing poor supervision, no supervision, or leaving the child in the care of someone who is not capable. For example, a ratio of 1 orphanage staff to 5 or more infants or toddlers is not sufficient and creates a neglectful situation. This would be like having quintuplets—only your mother, mother-in-law, sisters, aunts, friends, etc. aren’t available to help out!" (http://perspectivespress.com/blog/2010/08/18/why-love-isnt-enough-part-two-neglect/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+PerspectivesOnChallengedFamilyBuilding+%28Perspectives+on+Challenged+Family+Building%29)

However for our kids that have experienced trauma due to neglect, it can be difficult to identify, and therefore difficult to intervene.

Here are some signs that MAY indicate child neglect:
(http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/signs.cfm)

The Child:
- Shows sudden changes in behavior or school performance
- Has not received help for physical or medical problems brought to the parents' attention
- Has learning problems (or difficulty concentrating) that cannot be attributed to specific physical or psychological causes
- Is always watchful, as though preparing for something bad to happen
- Lacks adult supervision
- Is overly compliant, passive, or withdrawn
- Comes to school or other activities early, stays late, and does not want to go home

The Parent:
- Shows little concern for the child
- Denies the existence of—or blames the child for—the child's problems in school or at home
- Asks teachers or other caregivers to use harsh physical discipline if the child misbehaves
- Sees the child as entirely bad, worthless, or burdensome
- Demands a level of physical or academic performance the child cannot achieve
- Looks primarily to the child for care, attention, and satisfaction of emotional needs

The Parent and Child:
- Rarely touch or look at each other
- Consider their relationship entirely negative
- State that they do not like each other

As you experienced, educated, adoptive parents all know....it's so easy for someone else to make a quick comment such as "how could someone do that to a child?" and shake their heads in judgement. But we all know that it can and does happen far too often, and that some of our children live with the affects of neglect on a daily basis. Many of us will spend years trying to make up for the neglect our child experienced...and at times it seems as if all our efforts are in vain. But we soldier on knowing that we are making a difference.

Little bits at a time.

"I wanna be a billionaire, so friggin' bad"....

2010-08-17T11:45:00.000-07:00

It's an "earworm". For the last few mornings I've woken up with that song in my brain. I have no idea who even sings it, but clearly it's my not-so-subconscious mind telling me something. Hmmm...what could it be???

Could it be the $ 20,0000.00 bill we just got for our septic system?

Could it be the second round of ortho for my oldest daughter of $ 2,500.00?

Could it be the weekly therapy sessions for my other daughter at $ 130.00/hour?

Could it be the mysterious leak that we cannot find that is causing our kitchen floor to bubble up at several different locations?

Nahhhh, couldn't be any of those things....could it?

Here's the definition from Wikipedia...

Earworm, a loan translation of the German Ohrwurm,[1] is a portion of a song or other music that repeats compulsively within one's mind, put colloquially as "music being stuck in one's head." Use of the English translation was popularized by James Kellaris, a marketing researcher at the University of Cincinnati, and Daniel Levitin. Kellaris' studies demonstrated that different people have varying susceptibilities to earworms, but that almost everybody has been afflicted with one at some time or another.[2] According to research by James Kellaris, 98% of individuals experience earworms. Women and men experience the phenomenon equally often, but earworms are more likely to last longer for women and to irritate them more than men. (Does that mean that men are less irritating than ear worms???)
The Official Earworm Synonym List includes alternative terms such as "music meme", "humsickness" , "repetunitis", "obsessive musical thought" and "tune wedgy."[7]

What tune wedgy do you have happening today??

Congratulations to Ola (Zuri) Szadiak - Again!

2010-08-16T12:18:00.001-07:00

Yes, once again Ola has made us all proud to know her and thankful that she gives so much of herself to AFABC and our programs.

Ola has been honored by Scotiabank's "Her Success Her Way" campaign honouring women who have defined and achieved success for themselves either through support of their communities, commitment to their families, their service to the Bank or by balancing it all. Throughout the year twenty-four women will be recognized, 12 from Canada and 12 from international locations. Ola is one of only twelve Canadian women to receive this honor.

Ola has designated AFABC's True Colours Mentoring Program to receive $ 1,000.00 donation from Scotiabank.

Thank you so much Scotiabank and thank you Ola!

The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog

2010-08-16T09:37:00.001-07:00

This book by Bruce D. Perry, MD PhD and Maia Szalavitz is one I've been reading all summer. Not that's it's a difficult read or too technical or anything...it's just I keep going back and re-reading different chapters after I've had some time to process them.

The tag line on the cover reads "What Traumatized Children Can Teach Us About Loss, Love and Healing". This book is a fascinating look into how trauma affects a young child, and how children can usually, but not always, recover.

Dr. Perry writes about his experience in the eary 1980's when the generally accepted thinking was that children were naturally resilient and could always bounce back from any trauma they experienced. However he soon realized that these children clearly weren't "bouncing back", and has since made it his life's work understand and help children cope with it in innovative ways.

Let me know if you've read this book and what you thought of it, or others that you've found helpful.

Back to School Routines Teleconference

2010-08-09T12:55:00.000-07:00

Kelty Resource Centre
BC’s Mental Health Resource for Children, Youth and their Families

Back to School Routines Teleconference
Wednesday August 18, 2010 12-1pm
To join:
Dial in: 1866-265-1385 code: 604-7076370

Questions? Contact us:
Phone: 604-875-2084
1-800-665-1822
keltycentre@bcmhs.bc.ca

The transition back to school is especially difficult for kids with mental health issues. Learn practical tips for helpings kids wind down physically and emotionally by tuning in to our expert panel which includes a family member, a service provider and a pediatrician. Our panel will answer your questions during the second half of the presentation!

How did it happen?

2010-07-14T10:11:00.001-07:00

Once again my best intentions for blogging regularly have fallen by the wayside. So I'll try to catch up the best I can.

Rhianna was fab-u-lous! We had great seats (even when the security guy came and made us move to our real seats because I had read the ticket wrong because I didn't have my glasses!), and it was so great to see all the Harambee people in their bright green shirts rocking out.

The next day we headed out to Naramata for the afternoon/evening for dinner with the Paterson family. Perhaps I should back up a bit and explain why we weren't camping with the group since we've been going there for the past 11 years.

So here's the story...I didn't want to.

Last year's week long camping experience just about pushed me right over the edge. Between one kid who was "bored", one who was happy to just hang out with his two buddies, and one who required constant supervision it was exhausting. It's not that there's nothing to do, because there's lots of activities to join in and lots of other kids to hang out with; not to mention the beaches. But for my one daughter who struggles with most aspects of being away from home and all things familiar, it's exhausting to try and keep her safe. Plus the never ending cleaning, cooking, cleaning, cooking without a dishwasher, washer or dryer or my own shower, and a bed where the cushions keep separating....well I'm sure you can understand how the lack of quality sleep affects my ability to keep calm and be kind....day after day after day.

So this year we decided to give up our place on the senority list and not attend. And it was very odd to be there just for an afternoon/evening and not stay over.

Most importantly I discovered how supportive my Harambee family is no matter what. Everyone I spoke with understood my decision not to attend and although they have all soldiered through camp despite their own crises, they were supportive of my decision to stay home. Thank you for the hugs and for listening, and for your humor and support. I really needed it.

Oh and thanks for including me in the Rhianna concert.

What a great opportunity!

2010-07-05T15:53:00.000-07:00

Out of the blue my phone rang this afternoon with an offer of two free tickets to see the Rhianna concert tonight in Penticton.

It seems Rhianna has donated 225 tickets for the concert to the families at Harambee in Naramata, and there was enough for us to go too! My daughter is soooo excited.

I am floored by the whole thing. Tickets range anywhere from $65 to $300 and although I'm sure we have the $65 seats, I am thrilled to be included. Apparently it will be a great show, and Ke$ha is one of the openning acts.

So tomorrow I will report on the concert and tell you how great it was! Stay tuned!

"But why????"

2010-07-05T08:48:00.000-07:00

Yes it's summer, so my kids think that the rules regarding the length of time they can spend staring at some kind of screen do not apply. If they had their way, they could just veg out in the living room all day long. Oh, and apparently if it's raining and/or cold and miserable outside it really isn't "fair" that the one hour of screen time per day still applies.

So in an effort to compromise and keep my own sanity, I will sometimes allow them to watch tv if they are doing something at the same time instead of just mindlessly watching some stupid episode of "The Suite Life on Deck" that they've seen at least 10 times already. The "doing something" can be drawing, building with Lego, puzzle making, etc. However throwing orange peels at your siblings and arguing over which one is Zack and which one is Cody and what their real life names are does not count as an activity.

And just for the record, eating is also not considered "doing something" while you watch tv. Because they would also eat all day long if they could. But no, not an actual meal or a sandwich. Nope because that would take time away from the tv to actually put a peanut butter sandwich together. It's much easier to take the box of cereal with you into the living room and eat handfuls of it directly from the box. Which of course then annoys your siblings and grosses them out so they can then yell "Mom he's eating cereal from the box again and that's my favorite kind but now I can never eat it again cause his slimy hands have been in there!"

And let's not forget the favorite trick of sliding granola bar wrappers and apple cores down the sides of the chairs and couches because then we don't have to get off our butts to walk the 10 steps to the garbage can.

Effective tomorrow, it will have been officially 7 days since they last saw the inside of the school. Only 7. We have a long way to go. But, on the bright side the weather is supposed to improve starting tomorrow so yea! We can actually go to the beach without hoodies and blankets! Tomorrow also is the start of the junior sprint triathlon training I've signed the kids up for. That will keep them busy (and hungry).

This weekend we're camping for two days in Oliver and then in another week or so we're heading to Vancouver Island for 5 days. Then it's soccer camp for one kid, and off to Kamloops for a few days of fishing with the grandparents. And before long the summer will be over.

It really does go by quickly...but some days can be very very long.

An interesting read...

2010-07-02T15:24:00.000-07:00

This is one of the blogs I read fairly regularly, and I liked this article on the effects of praise on our adopted children. Let me know what you think.

http://perspectivespress.com/blog/2010/07/01/the-art-of-praising-your-adopted-son-or-daughter/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+PerspectivesOnChallengedFamilyBuilding+%28Perspectives+on+Challenged+Family+Building%29

Que Sera Sera...

2010-07-01T11:30:00.001-07:00

"Whatever will be, will be." That is my new motto of the day. At least that's what I'm telling myself over and over today as I struggle with 4 year old behaviors in an 11 year old body.

This particular child has been home for almost 9 years, and yet we still struggle with attachment. It's definitely improved since day 1,but for this child, it will always be a struggle. Having a diagnosis of an anxiety disorder, adhd, combined with alcohol and drug exposure and a "less than stimulating" first foster care experience is a really tough way to start your life. And those experiences stay with you forever.

Despite the commitment we've made to this child and the million different ways we try to demonstrate it, I know she doesn't feel that she fits in. How do I know this? Because she wrote me a note one time when she was really furious at me that said "I hate it here. I've always hated it here and I lie every day to you when I say I love you. I hate you."

She would never verbalize those emotions, but she was able to write them. She never gave me the note - I found it on her bedroom floor (but did she leave it there deliberately so I would find it???). I know of many parents that would be devastated finding a note from their child like that. I'm not devastated. I'm sad that she feels that way, but in a weird way I'm glad I found the note. At least she's able to vent her emotions in a way that isn't hurting herself or anyone else.

And yet, usually she's seems to be quite a happy kid and although she's very quiet she doesn't seem to hold a grudge and can go from mad, to sad, to glad in a very short period of time. She seems to get over things very quickly, which is probably her way of dealing with the emotions to just pretend they're not there and all is well with her world.

We've been working with a psychologist to try and help her become more verbal when asked questions about things she's done (good and not-so-good). It's going to be a long slow road for her, and for our family.

That's why I'm channeling Doris Day songs.

And now, the end is near....

2010-06-28T07:55:00.000-07:00

...and today is the last full day of elementary school. Tomorrow they only go for half a day, and then another year is done. Sigh.

I suppose there are those parents out there who are looking forward to their kids being home for the summer, and those who dread it. This year, I'm neither. Perhaps my senses have been dulled by all the recent trips to doctors, emergency rooms, IEPs, sports days, track meets, assemblies, sleep over camps (I'm still trying to get those images out of my mind!).

My kids are now 10, 11 and 12. My oldest has been out of school since last Wednesday, and tomorrow morning we go back to the middle school for her awards ceremony. Oh, and to pick up her clarinet which has been sitting in the band room since last week. Oh, and so she can hopefully find her favorite grey vest that she lost a few weeks ago. (We each have our own priorities.) My middle daughter has her "leaving ceremony" today at the elementary school. And my son still has one more year in that school.

Last night at dinner my oldest commented how we will have attended leaving ceremonies 6 years in a row by the time all 3 kids have finished elementary school and middle school. Then we get a year off from ceremonies until the final round of graduations start. (At least I hope there's a full round of that!!)

When the kids were all pre-school age I never really could imagine that as they moved through the school system we would have these yearly repeats. The annual "Back to School bbq" at the elementary school is the same every single year. I have been to 7 of them in a row, so I do know what I'm talking about. The Valentine's Dance? Yes, the same every year. I know it makes it easier on the organizers (and yes I was on the PAC for two years and I wasn't about to re-invent the wheel either). But it's difficult to maintain the appropriate level of enthusiasm year after year after year.

When my kids were in the younger grades I always thought those older kids' parents were so jaded and unsupportive not to attend every function....HA! What did I know?

So today I will attend the leaving ceremony and take the photos and cheer for my middle daughter, and then next year I will do the same for my son. And then it starts all over again at the middle school.

And I'm NOT going to get all weepy. I won't focus on all the struggles she's had to overcome and how hard won all her successes are. Nope, not me. I won't get weepy.

Must be my allergies.

Silver Lake Camp - Day Two

2010-06-24T12:57:00.001-07:00

It rained, it drizzled, it spitted, it blew. It SUCKED! Not only was I exhausted and deprived of good coffee, I was cold and wet. Oh I had a good coat and my hiking shoes and warm socks, but I was still miserable.

However I had the sense to avoid the child-raised-by-wolves at breakfast and skip the messy disgusting scene altogether. As I attempted to drag 10 grade 4 and 5 children down with me into misery, they persisted in having fun in the mud and rain, and that didn't stop them from canoeing or finding their way with a compass. Except of course for my daughter. "I'm cold, I'm tired." Really? Why on earth would you be tired?????????? "I don't want to do this." My response...suck it up princess. (You may have picked up on my lack of empathy here.)

By lunchtime there was a glimmer of sunshine and we parents huddled around it for warmth. It was our groups' turn to clean up after lunch and all the kids helped...except for....you guessed it....my daughter. I found her back in the cabin lying down on her bunk. By this point I have had all I can take from little Miss Sunshine.

So I proceed to tell her that from now on she will not be participating in her groups activities, she will be following me around to her brother's group so I can watch him having fun. And man was he having fun! By this time the gray skies were definitely lifting and I had hopes for a better afternoon. My daughter and I headed off the watch her brother in archery, but first she had to visit the bathroom "I'll catch up to you she says." Twenty minutes later I check the washrooms and she's leaning up against the wall half asleep.

I know you're all thinking that a kind and gentle mother would carefully carry her beloved daughter down to her cabin and let her sleep in her bunk. Then when the little princess has awoken from her slumber, we would have a lovely chat over a cup of tea and all would be well with the world.

NOT ME! Oh she went back to her bunk alright. Kicking and screaming while I made her pack up her stuff, and while I packed up mine. I found a spot where I could get a cell phone signal and called my husband to come pick us up. The party's over honey.

So while she fumed and cursed me in the parking lot, I went in search of my son and gave him the news that we were leaving. He was quite upset because he hadn't seen much of me the whole camp. So I reassured him that after he got home, we would leave her with Dad and he could choose an activity for just the two of us. That seemed to calm him down, and he went running off to the zip line. Then I found the teacher in charge and explained the situation. I asked her to take my place in the cabin so the other mom could actually get a good night's sleep and she would gladly do that for me. (I couldn't leave the other mom alone with those kids....).

While I waited in the parking lot for my husband to take me away from the misery, my daughter decided to apologize for not doing what she was supposed to. My response was...It's nice of you to apologize but it doesn't change anything. We're going home and tomorrow while your friends are still at camp, you can help me clean the house."

Finally my husband arrived and we headed for home. Her sleeping and me wishing he would drive faster. When we arrive home I headed for the shower and she headed for bed. Heaven. For now....

Silver Lake Camp - Day One

2010-06-22T15:07:00.000-07:00

I had this whole post written in my head, and as I started to write it for the blog I thought - no one is going to believe this actually happened. No one is going to believe the following:
1. That any sane person would knowingly attend camp two years in a row.
2. That even after having had many many many experiences where I had to pack up one or all of my children and leave an event early, would I accept the offer from another mom to ride with her.
3. That I would actually take the time to pack my son a bagged lunch like the other kids, when he would choose to spend his time running up and down the side of a mountain with all the other boys.
4. That I would actually be helping a group of ten grade 4 and 5 kids come up with a rap that included the name of their activity group "The Chippy Chipmunks".
5. That the only seat left in the lodge at dinner time was across from the "child-raised-by-wolves" who eats spaghetti and sauce with both his hands, and I was helping my daughter at another table so I got to sit with him.
6. That I would be foolish enough to think that by 10 pm, 13 grade 5 girls would eventually be able to settle down.
7. That one 11 year old girl could wake up throughout the night at regular intervals asking "What time is it?"
8. That one 11 year old girl with asthma could cough all night long as if she's been chain smoking for 50 years.
9. That my own daughter, despite repeated firm requests to go to sleep or lie quietly, has to go to the bathroom 4 times in one evening when she hasn't had anything to drink since 7 pm.
10. That my own daughter, despite repeated firm requests to go to sleep or lie quietly, can innocently claim that it's not her kicking the bunk above her. It's not her who is throwing her pillow at the bunk beside her. It's not her who is playing in the washrooms.
11. That I would not be able to follow through on my threat to take my daughter home immediately because I hadn't driven to camp.
12. That after a sleepless night, the only other adult in the cabin with me would NOT strangle the 11 year old girl who in response to the adult saying how inconsiderate she was to keep everyone up and how since she's been here before she should know better, replied in her rudest voice "No, last year we were at Circle Square Ranch."
12. That all this could happen before 7:30 am.

Silver Lake Camp vs. Circle Square Ranch

2010-06-21T20:22:00.000-07:00

I really really did NOT want to go to camp with my grade 4 son and grade 5 daughter. Last year I went with my older daughter and my middle daughter. You seen, grade 5 daughter is a type 1 diabetic and unless I go with her, she can't go.

"Can't her dad take her?" I hear you asking. Nope. Because the parent has to stay in the same cabin as her and 3,000 other grade 5 girls. (Ok so perhaps it's only 13 grade five girls, but it seems like 3,000.)

Last year we were at Circle Square ranch in Armstrong. But apparently they have closed down. So this year we were at Silver Lake forestry camp in Peachland. Let's analyze the locations, shall we?

On the plus side for Circle Square are the newer washrooms attached to the sleeping areas, unlike Silver Lake that requires a hike up the side of the mountain with only a flashlight to light the way.

On the plus side for Silver Lake is the fabulous food - seriously it was good and even included real salads. Circle Square seemed to have banned anything remotely resembling a fruit or vegetable. The coffee sucked at both places.

Silver Lake also has a newer lodge that includes a huge stone fireplace, and each cabin actually has a wood burning stove that were lit on the cold damp evenings. Circle Square ranch however only had baseboard heaters.

Critters were more plentiful at Silver Lake despite the attempts to keep them out of the cabins. It seems those devices that plug in to electrical outlets to keep rodents away don't work. (Nothing like hearing something scratching at the walls in the middle of the night!)

As for activities, Circle Square had horseback riding and a climbing wall. But I guess Silver Lake doesn't need a climbing wall because it's built on the side of a mountain!

Silver Lake had orienteering which was very challenging for many of the kids (and the parent helpers). Both camps had archery. Silver Lake actually does have a lake while Circle Square has a pool that isn't heated. Silver Lake offers canoeing and pedal boats and leeches are included at no extra charge. Circle Square has a BMX track, but at Silver Lake you get pond studies and fire starting as well as an obstacle course. Did I mention Silver Lake has a fireplace for those damp days when being a parent helper in the damp, rainy forest is less than fun. Plus, the kids arn't allowed in the lodge unless it's a meal time.

The staff at Silver Lake were crabbier than the staff at Circle Square ranch. Perhaps it's because the staff at Silver Lake had to have wildlife names like Grizzly, Cheetah and Bushbaby.

The staff at Circle Square had lots of field games that parents and kids participated in after dinner each evening. They were a blast! Of course, some of the teachers and the parents get just a tad too competitive. At Silver Lake they didn't have a large field to play games on, so yup, you guessed it. We had to play Flags running up and down the side of the mountain. Not a blast.

Stay tuned tomorrow, for our experiences on day one of Silver Lake camp. And try not to think about rodents scurrying around under your bed while you sleep.

I wasn't always like this...

2010-06-08T08:01:00.000-07:00

I'm positive there was a time when I was organized, when I was never late for anything, when I never ran out of toilet paper. I'm sure of it.

I distinctly remember having "it" together. I distinctly remember rolling my eyes at the whining and complaining of other women who couldn't seem to work full time and run their households. I mean seriously, how hard can it be? And as for those moms who chose to stay home with their kids instead of returning to work...what did they DO all day long?

Yes, that was before I had children. That was before, when I was younger. That was before,when all I had to concern myself with was my wardrobe and what I was going to do on the weekend. It's all a blur now.

I seem to recall(because my memory is not what it used to be...) that the official start my brain deterioration began when we first started looking into adoption. As we went through the home study process I discovered that I was starting to question the accuracy of my memories. My husband seemed to remember the same event completely differently than I. (Not saying that he's right, just...well...I highly doubt it!) Then as we began the wait for a proposal is when I noticed my mind wandering off when I should be concentrating on my job as an accountant. I would be listening to music and dreaming of what my baby would look like, and what clothes I would buy for him or her.

As the days and weeks passed I would spend the time alternating between day dreaming and becoming more anxious that it would never happen. When we were matched with a birth mom and she changed her mind, and then again it happened, is when I started going down hill fast. I realized how little I could control this process, so I began to find projects that I could control. My veggie garden was perfectly weeded. I reorganized, packed and labelled all our camping equipment. My house was spotless. And then the call came, and we were off to Chicago to meet our new baby girl. That was the end. And the beginning as my new world and new life as an exhausted mother began.

From then on it was a regular slide into short term memory loss. Oh sure, long term was still there - I could remember all the words to Hey Jude - but not what I was supposed to be getting at the store, or what day it was.

Fast forward twelve years to today when I discovered that my car insurance expired two days ago and I had been driving without insurance. In my previous life, that would never have happened. So now I have to ride my bike to town and renew it, but I can't find my cell phone, and what is my bike lock combination?

Can I get a brain transplant????

Rehab...

2010-05-20T08:32:00.000-07:00

"Welcome to day one of Taking Responsibility For One's self.

For those of you who think you are too young for this program....think again. It is my job, as your mother, to prepare you for the realities of the world.

For those of you who think you shouldn't have to be responsible for your self...suck it up princess.

It is clear that my constant reminding/nagging (depending on your own definition)is not increasing your success at getting yourself ready for school in the mornings.

So, welcome to my program.

We begin day one with a review of the goals, guidelines, ethics and best practices.

My number one goal, is for all of you to be able to get yourselves fed, dressed, washed, teeth brushed, and hair done with all your required materials, clothes, footwear, and food, out the door by 7:40 am.

I understand that your goal is to sleep in, watch tv, play your DS and do what you want. However you are in MY program. You are not allowed to have goals in MY program. At least not on a school day.

The basic guidelines are as follows: you will do what you are asked the first time.

As for ethics, I have none in this program. I will use whatever best practices I feel are necessary to ensure the goals are met. This may or may not include the following:
* earlier bed times
* removal of some or all electronic devices
* withholding of some or all of your allowance
* additional chores that include cleaning up dog poop
* having to spend all your time away from school as my constant companion

I understand you may start referring to me as Warden, and please know that I consider that a compliment. But you may want to remember that Warden is the one who makes your school lunch and even makes waffles for you for breakfast sometimes.

Please note that bribes will be accepted, with no guarantee of compliance on my part.

Your success at this program will be amply rewarded on a case by case basis. Such rewards may or may not include the following:
* later bedtimes
* having friends over and/or going to their homes
* regular allowance payments
* additional food items that include sugar, cream and chocolate

Perhaps you are wondering how long this incarceration will last...and the answer is...until you graduate from high school and move out.

Once you have been rehabilitated as an adult productive member of society, you may feel free to share the joy with your own children.

Love Mom."

ps. Don't think you can go over my head to the Superintendant. You already know he's just a figurehead. Besides, he's too busy watching the playoffs.

Consequences.....

2010-05-17T18:33:00.000-07:00

Is it archaeology? Is it grave robbing? Or simply the result of having all your electronic devices taken away?

My son and daughter number 2 had a "less than" successful transition to bedtime last night. It involved throwing stuffed animals into each other's rooms and taunting each other with:

"You can't read that book - it's mine!"

"It's not your book, it's from the library! I can read it if I want to."

"No you can't!"

"Yes I can!"

"Then I want one of your books, and not those stupid princess or horse books. They're retarded and only babies read those!"

"Then here!" (She throws 4 paperback books involving princesses and/or horses into his room.)

"That's disgusting. I'm not reading those. Give me back my book!"

"No I've got it now and you're stupid".

"Well you're stupider. Either give me my book or I take your bunny."

"No, not my bunny!" (This was said in a whiny voice reminiscent of when she was 3. Just for the record - she's 11)

By this point, I had given up on ignoring them and had to go settle the dispute. Besides it was difficult to concentrate on the plot of Law and Order when chaos is reigning supreme.

I sent them both to bed without the books or any stuffed animals taken as hostages. And I promised them, that for the next day they would have tons of time to figure out this problem as they were banned from all electronic devices including but not limited to: DS, Wii, computer, television or their sister's iPhone.

So fast forward to today after school. My son has realized that because I'm not technically an Alzheimer's patient just yet, I have total recall of the previous night and have not forgotten my promise of no electronics. So he heads outside after consuming yet another $20 worth of groceries in 15 minutes.

We live on property surrounded by orchard so although the kids have to stay out of the fruit trees, they have lots of space to play soccer, or whatever game comes to mind. Today's imagination led him to start digging in the mud, and he found some bones. I tried to convince him that they were just chicken bones from someone's garbage that a dog got into, but he has an eye for detail and said "Mom, chickens don't have teeth or fangs." (I guess he really was paying attention when reading all those books about dinosaur skeletons.)

Of course his sister had to go out and help him uncover more bones - did I mention it was pouring rain at this point, and I had actually washed my floor this morning?

Within minutes they were back with more bones that suspiciously looked like they were from someone's cat. They of course were thrilled - me, not so much. (instant flashback to reading Steven King's Pet Cemetery).

And once again I had to intervene and spoil all the fun. Yes, that's me. The Fun Sucker. I can suck the fun out of anything.

And on and on it went. While I was trying to make dinner and help my oldest with her French homework, the other two were in his bedroom and all I could hear was crashing and banging combined with maniacal laughter. (I will not give in, I will not give in, I will not give in...)

And right on cue, my husband walks in the door and wants to know who's been digging in the mud over the septic tank. (As if he doesn't already know the answer.)

Me thinks it's time to put on the iPod and go for a long walk in the rain.

A huge SHOUT OUT to AFABC dedicated volunteers

2010-05-14T14:08:00.000-07:00

"The world is hugged by the faithful arms of volunteers".

AFABC prides itself on being a "grass roots" organization, and one of our greatest strenghths is our volunteer base. Our True Colour mentors, our group facilitators and of course our peer support volunteers - my job is made so much easier thanks to all of you.

In Kamloops a shout out to:
*** Monica Sivertson - support group facilitator
*** Deanna Jones - play group facilitator
*** Hannah Temple - True Colours facilitator

In Nelson a shout out to:
*** Tamara Mickel - True Colours facilitator

In Vernon a shout out to:
*** Teresa Kisilevich - support group facilitator

In Kelowna a shout out to:
*** Ola Szadiak - True Colours facilitator
*** Laura Livingstone - support group facilitator, and play group facilitator

In Revelstoke a shout out to:
*** Vanessa Morrow - support group facilitator

And of course there are all the many other peer support parents throughout the region who always take a call from another parent looking to connect or to hear their real life stories. Thank you so very much for your courage and wisdom, and for sharing that with complete strangers.

Thank you - thank you - thank you !

True Colours - Zawadi

2010-05-13T13:55:00.000-07:00

A huge thanks to the Victoria Foundation for Adoption Permanency who has generously chosen AFABC for a mini grant to start up our FOURTH, yes the fourth!, True Colours Group.

In addition to Kelowna, Kamloops and Nelson, Christine Beugelink and Shawna Vaandrager in Abbotsford are starting their Zawadi group.

"Our interest in True Colours stems from an increasing awareness of our families in finding innovative methods of helping to support our children as they grow. We also desire to be proactive, in building a supporting network for our children to connect with each other and positive adults of colour. We would like to make this program available to all families in the lower mainland who are parenting children of African heritage."

I am very proud of the True Colours Mentoring programs that started in Kelowna, and have gradually expanded into other areas around the province. None of it would be possible without the committment and determination of the parents and mentors who give so much of their time, energy and themselves to help support our children.

Thank you just doesn't seem to be enough.

Fun for the whole family????

2010-05-07T19:52:00.000-07:00

Doubtful.

How about family game night? Sounds easy right? Who doesn't have board games or even just a deck of cards? In our house it can be excrutiatingly painful to try and play even a game of "Go Fish" with all three kids and my husband. My ADHD son can't sit still and usually ends up rolling around on the floor on top of the cards, while FASD daughter can't remember who asked for which card and gets frustrated because she "never" wins. Typical daughter loses it when the others won't play by the rules, and I end up nagging everyone to "don't bend the cards" or "hold your cards up so no one sees what you have". Meanwhile, my husband is trying to watch the hockey game with the sound off and play at the same time.

Have you tried the games that include using the tv and a dvd? Who gets to hold the remote? Who can stop themselves from blurting out the answer to the question when it isn't even their turn? Who always presses the wrong button on the remote forcing the actual player to have to answer another question that they don't know the answer to but knew the answer to the first question?

So you may have guessed that group games aren't a strong point in our house, however games that only require two players are much more successful. Any two of us can get along enough to play almost any game. I've learned not to watch my two youngest attempt to play chess. If they want to make up their own moves for each piece, go for it. I really don't care if they play by the actual chess rules or not - but could they at least agree not to make them up as they go along?

Card games with my son are one of the best ways to help him focus when he's detoxing from him video games. He's very bright and quick to pick up on the rules, despite his inability to sit still. We'll play Crazy 8's, or War (his favorite because it never ends), Speed or Fish. Plus Grampa taught him Black Jack so he likes the idea of betting and winning pennies.

For my FASD daughter it can be tough for her to keep up mentally with everyone in a card game, so one on one with her works best. Of course if she's lost track of what we're supposed to be doing she decides to just play by whatever rules she wants to instead of asking for help. And if she's losing at any point in the game, she'll throw down her cards and yell "Winner puts it away!"

My typical daughter is a rule follower so there are no deviations or adjustments to any game. Especially with board games.

Then there's my husband who insists on reading the entire directions outloud(including the set up) for board games. If anyone interrupts him, he has to start over which drives the kids crazy cause they just want to play the darn game!

Of course I'm not innocent in all of this either. I like basic card games that I actually have a chance at winning. I don't let the kids win a game - they're way too old for that now. Crib takes too long and requires too much math for my liking. If I have to referree too many times during a game I'll try and end it quickly. I will always insist that the board game be put away in it's box properly with all pieces accounted for. (My typical daughter and I are anal that way!) If the games takes too long I get frustrated. I won't play a game that involves betting even if it's just pennies. (We can't use pretzels because I end up eating mine.)

So for now, I guess we'll never be the family on tv that plays nicely all together. We still have fun - it's just different fun for each of us.

Outwit, Outlast, Outsneak

2010-05-07T08:00:00.000-07:00

That's my new version of Survivor.

Outwit - My FASD daughter and her food issues, her stealing and her behavior. Food goes missing and is found in some nook or cranny of her room, despite being told that if she had a need to have food in her room, she must keep it on her shelf. She isn't supposed to have any fresh food such as fruit or yogurt on her shelf (or in her room)only pre-packaged food such as granola bars. But still, food in her bed, in her pants pockets, in her pillow cases, ______________ (fill in the blank)etc.

Outlast - My FASD daughter and her extremely immature behavior. From potty mouth to not sharing, to teasing her brother on the school bus ride home, and stomping off in a two-year old temper tantrum. (As opposed to the 11 year old temper tantrum.)

Outsneak - My FASD daughter and the sneaking/stealing of money from her siblings, the sneaking of food, the sneaking of anything of anyone else's that isn't nailed down.

I want to be voted off this island. Does anyone know where the hidden immunity idol is? I think my husband has found it already and is using it. It's disguised as the tv remote.

Perhaps I can get sent to Exile Island.

Finally a new post!

2010-05-06T15:23:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, I've been ignoring my blogging for the past almost month. It's been absolutely crazy around here, and with work too. No excuse I know, but somehow the days got the best of me. But I'm baaaaack.

Things aren't any less crazy, but I'll soldier on through (like any of us have a choice about that eh?)

I was fortunate to attend a five day inter-professional conference in Vancouver during April on Adolescents and Adults with FASD. It was at the Hyatt downtown, but due to the high cost of accommodation there - $200/night not including parking or Internet access or taxes) - I stayed at my sister's place in North Van. Overall the conference was really good and there's some really interesting research being done at UBC on the gender differences between males and females with FASD.

Not surprisingly, much of the conference dealt with the realities of parenting long after other children have grown up and moved out. Nothing new there - most of us figured out a long time ago that some of our kids won't be transitioning to independence the way most do.

There was a great panel of adults with FASD who spoke about their stories and it was enlightening, fascinating, depressing and sad, all at the same time. Almost all spoke about one person who had stood by them after multiple failures that resulted in prison sentences, failures at school, drug addictions, violence etc. Some spoke with humor, others with anger, others with gratitude. Some were in their 20's while others were significantly older.

Many speakers at the conference focused on how important it is to get an FASD diagnosis for adults so they can have services and more importantly, an explanation for who they are and their challenges. But not everyone is willing to participate and because of the lack of information on a birth mother's pre-natal history, it can be very difficult to actually get an FASD diagnosis. So many resources and supports are dependent upon that diagnosis.

Add to all of this my daily commute to and from downtown via Hastings street, and you can imagine by the end of the day, I welcomed the calm atmosphere of my sister's home. Her and her husband are childless - he works from home as a computer genius, and she is a manager at BC Cancer Agency. Most evenings I sat on their very comfortable couch either reading, or we caught up on tv shows via the PVR. No kids to parent and referee, just the neighborhood kids and their antics. (I still don't understand why the two boys who live next door insist on peeing on my sister's rhododendron when they could walk 5 steps and pee on their own plants. Or here's a thought - go inside and use the washroom!)

The week ended with dinner out at The Beach House in North Van. OMG it was beautiful. And as we were walking in, celebrity sighting Sarah McLaughlin was walking out. (Of course she pretended not to know us and walked right by.) We passed on ordering the $1200.00 bottle of wine, but my pasta dish was the cheapest on the menu for $22.00. (I guess I'm not meant for the big city restaurants on my budget!)

I ended my stay with an overnight at my boss's house with several co-workers. We chipped in for pizza, drank wine, and ate chocolate.

Although I missed my family as I'm rarely away that long, it was a great conference and I'm still processing the information 3 weeks later. I figure it's probably a good thing that I can't see what the future holds for my daughter.

Fun with a pocket knife...

2010-04-08T10:37:00.000-07:00

So I'm flipping through the brochure from our local Art Gallery to see what programs they have going on thru the summer, thinking perhaps there would be something appropriate for one, two or all three of my kids. My son is quite good at drawing so I thought perhaps there would be something there he would enjoy, and that he would possibly sit still for...

Well instead of a drawing class, I found this one for children ages 9 + that I know he would love. "Fun With a Pocket Knife" Seriously. For only $75 I can sign up my ADHD son for a two hour lesson on how to whittle. Give him a knife....are you insane???

Can you imagine a group of 9 year old boys sitting quitely learning to whittle and carve when they are handed a weapon of mass destruction? For two hours? Two minutes, possibly, but even that would be a stretch.

I think they would give new meaning to the phrase "fun with a pocket knife".

"What to expect when you're expecting an 11 year old."

2010-04-07T08:39:00.000-07:00

For those of us who don't subscribe to Chatelaine magazine, here's a link to an interesting read about adopting kids from foster care...

http://en.chatelaine.com/english/weekend/article.jsp?content=20100202_164500_0025

Isolation...

2010-03-31T08:19:00.001-07:00

I'm one of those people who when they're stressed and overwhelmed tend to isolate myself from everyone and everything. I know it's not the "healthy" thing to do, but sometimes it's the only thing I can do.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who puts on their "socially acceptable" face, or as my kids call it "the nice mom voice" when other people are around. But there are times when I can't even manage to do that, so I stay to myself. And wallow. And have a full blown pity party. Which usually includes chocolate or other unhealthy food choices in quantities that would make Jenny Craig hurl.

Part of the reason I will isolate myself is that the energy level required to keep up the appearance that all is well in crazy town is more that what I have to give at that time. The other reason I've discovered, is that if someone who really sincerely cares, or "get's it" was to ask how it's going, I would fall apart completely.

But isolating myself isn't all bad. Not if it doesn't become habit forming. (Is there a 12 step recovery program for this??) It gives me time to have a therapeutic cry and then put things back into perspective. And it gives me the strength to put my big girl panties on and deal with reality. It also brings out my empathy for my kids who struggle, and for all those other moms who are struggling to hold it together while parenting some really challenging children.

I've discovered that for me, sleep is the best antidote. If I can get a really good night's sleep at least once or twice a week, I can function better, longer. That means getting to bed by 9 pm, falling asleep and staying asleep. My kids are usually all in bed and fast asleep (hopefully) by 9:30 at the latest. And that is usually my only time to sit and watch a tv show in silence. No one commenting on my choice of shows, laughing at the characters, etc. I don't even care if I've seen that particular episode of Law & Order several times. It's my time! And I don't have to think, or plan, or organize, or referee...just veg.

But last night, after a day of overwhelmingness (?) I made it to bed early, read 2 pages of my book, fell asleep and stayed asleep until the alarm went at 6:30 this morning. I know today will be a better day and I feel I have the energy to carry on. Jenny Craig can rest easy today.

Note to self...

2010-03-29T07:56:00.000-07:00

Don't watch "The Blind Side" and read "Push" by Sapphire in the same weekend.

By Sunday evening I was a mess. I enjoyed The Blind Side, but I'm not so sure Sandra deserves best actress for it; perhaps the story should have been "best screenplay". I strongly believe that everyone needs someone they can count on and feel connected to for their entire lives, and Michael found his family. But as happy as I was for him and his family, my heart goes out to all those others who never find that. I couldn't help but get teary eyed for his birth mom, and the scene in the restaurant where he sees his brother. I think it was Big Mike's social worker that mentioned how whenever he would leave a foster placement, Michael would always go back to the projects to find his "momma". So many moments that ring true for so many of our kids.

I was also reading Push by Sapphire this weekend, and I haven't been able to finish it. Her story is horrific, yet she manages to survive. I know I won't be able to watch the movie "Precious" based on the novel. It's not that I want all my adoption/foster care/black stories to end happily ever after. It's not that I see what could have been for my kids. It's the level of suffering that so many children endure here in North America, where we're supposed to have it all. Then my mind goes to all the suffering of children around the world who endure trauma on a daily basis. Needless to say, I didn't sleep well all weekend.

So as I sent my own 3 kids out the door to school this morning, I reminded myself that I've made a difference in the lives of three children. Hopefully I'll sleep better tonight.

"FRO BRO" aka "The Hair That Walks"

2010-03-26T13:38:00.000-07:00

My son's dream has come true. He has always wanted a "fro", and once spring break was over we took out his corn rows and voila, a fro. We'll see how long it lasts...the deal is he has to pick it out at least once a day or it goes back into corn rows. He's already taller than almost all the grade 4s in his class so now he must look huge. But he does love being the centre of attention, so there's no hiding now is there?

Spring Break - Week Two

2010-03-25T13:46:00.000-07:00

Here's my family at the Olympic cauldron on the last weekend of spring break. We had a blast starting with a 4 hour shopping marathon at Metrotown in Burnaby. The next day it was the skytrain to Science World, OmniMax for a freaky movie about base-jumping and sky diving, then sky train to downtown to see some of the Olympic venues (and more shopping of course!). Then back to the hotel for some pool time. After that my husband took our oldest daughter to the Canucks game where Darcy Hortichuck personally gave her a practice puck they were using. (Apparently it helps to get noticed if you have Canada tattoos on your face and have Canadian flags tucked into your pony tail.) Although they had nose-bleed section seats they had a really fun time. Meanwhile the other two kids and I had a civilized dinner in the hotel restaurant then watched "Alvin and the Chipmunks - the Squeakwel" on pay per view in the room. All too soon it was over and time to head home and get ready for school the next day.

I can honestly say this was the first spring break that I thoroughly enjoyed and I really wasn't all that happy to see the kids go back to school. Although the house is neater and quieter while they're away all day, it was fun, yes actually fun, having them around all the time. They don't need as much structure around the snack and meal times, and they are also completely capable of making their own peanut butter sandwich for lunch. Plus they don't need constant supervision outside anymore. I do think the dog was glad to see them go back; she was exhausted from playing with them all the time.

I'm not out of job yet though. Someone still needs to set the timer for video game time, and to referee the arguments. And of course, I'm still needed for laundry duty. It's so nice to needed.

Spring break is over...sniff sniff....

2010-03-24T13:31:00.000-07:00

I miss spring break. It's day three of the kids being back at school from having 2 weeks off. Where's the noise? Where's the constant mess on the kitchen counters? Why isn't the timer going off to signal the end of one kid's time on the video games, and the start of the next kid's time? Why isn't the door slamming and mud being tracked through the house? What is that I hear? The sound of music I chose being played while I work. Shocking! How did spring break go by so quickly?

I took the first week of the break off from work and got everyone caught up on dentist, doctor and various other specialists appointments. Oh don't get me wrong, I had big plans...my windows were going to be washed, I would sort through all the kids' clothes, my clothes, the shoes, and I even dreamed of putting away all the winter coats, boots, mitts, and other seasonal paraphernalia. Oh and I would also get all the files ready for the accountant for income tax. Did any of that get done? Well, um, not exactly.

I did manage to sort through all my shoes and take a substantial quantity to the thrift shop. What was I thinking buying red dress pumps? When would I ever have an occasion to wear them? I seem to recall a phase of watching "What Not to Wear" with Stacey and Clinton insisting that everyone needs a shoe with "a pop of colour". Clearly, I blame the media for influencing my purchases. And neither of my daughters would be caught dead wearing them either.

I had every intention of cleaning my windows, but there always seemed something better to do. Like take my kids on a hike up the mountain, or lie on the couch reading a book that usually ended up in a power nap. Oh and I did manage to clean out my entry way closets of the winter stuff that never really got used because we had so little snow this year. Phew! That was at least 30 minutes of my life.

And then somehow the week off was over, and I'm not sure how that went by so quickly, and yet so unproductively. Strange.

2010-03-15T13:09:00.000-07:00

TRUE COLOURS - MEHABER- FAMILY CAMP

Come camping with us! All families with children of African heritage are invited to join in our first annual family camp. We're taking over Whatshan Lake Retreat (www.whatshan.com) and we'd love to see you there.

Whatshan Lake Retreat has generously offered up their entire facility for True Colours - Mehaber. We have reserved all the cabins and campsites for our families, as well as the Whispering Pines Concession. It includes a covered picnic area, refrigerators, freezer, cooler, microwave, outdoor grill and propane stove. Men's and women's washrooms with coin-operated showers are also included.

A camp fee of $50 per family has been added to the cabin/campsite cost to help with this expense. (If you are sharing a cabin with another family, please also purchase the family fee separately. All families participating are required to pay the $50 family fee.)

Your camp fee also includes a bbq dinner on Saturday night - hot dogs and burgers included - please bring a salad or dessert to share!

Note: All reservations MUST be done through www.afabc.eventbrite.com

For more information contact:

Tam Mickel, email: tamrekor@telus.net or

Dianna Mortensen, AFABC Adoption Support Coordinator, Interior Region

Toll Free 1-866-694-1222 or email: dmortensen@bcadoption.com

Ping pong, pie and spring break - week one

2010-03-15T10:45:00.000-07:00

It was wonderful, glorious, yada yada yada...but the party's over and now it's back to work. I took the first week of the kids' spring break off and somehow it went by all too quickly. I was really really disciplined in not checking my emails, so now I have tons to catch up on, but that's ok. I needed the break, and now I actually feel like working again.

I can't tell you what exactly it was we did for that week, certainly my house isn't any cleaner, but it was so nice to have a break with my kids. My husband worked on and off over the week, but mostly we just hung out, went to dentist appointments, went shopping in Kelowna, did a Costco run, nothing too exciting.

I know it all sounds rather mundane and boring, but sometimes boring is good. Gone on are the days of my kids needing me to be there every waking moment to referee and help them choose something to do. Nor do I have to make their snacks and lunches every day. But they do need supervision, especially my one daughter who struggles the most with social skills, boundaries, etc. I don't know how many times in a day I say to her "MYOB", but I'm sure it's at least a gazillion. And I've also lost track of how many times I've confiscated my son's Nintendo DS and held it hostage until his assigned chores are completed properly.

My oldest needs to be reigned in on her Facebook time, so that's the bargaining tool I use with her. And she's also earning money to pay for her ticket to the Hedley concert coming up next week, so actually, some of the house cleaning is getting done.

And we did hike up the mountain the other day, we tried to go skiing but it was way too windy and cold, and we spent the weekend visiting my parents in Kamloops. My dad had set up the ping pong table in his heated garage, so the tournament was on! How come nobody plays this anymore? We played all the time when we were kids, and most of my friends' parents had ping pong tables too. (The rich friend had a pool table). The kids had a blast playing that game, and trying to beat their Grampa at crib.

And the best part, my mom made lemon meringue pie. It was soooo good. And ginger snap cookies, and some other kind of cookie that included pecans and coconut. Yes, I'm sure I gained 5 pounds.

So now, it's back to work, back to reality, and back to my treadmill.

Support for those who support others...

2010-03-02T07:55:00.000-08:00

"Be brave my friend, you're stronger than you know". This was on a card I sent to a friend a few years ago when she was really struggling with her FASD son. And I always try, yes try, to keep that in mind for myself when I really struggle with my own emotions and the feelings that I'm not making a big enough difference in my kids' lives.

As women/moms/sisters/daughters/friends/wives/employees to other people it can seem as if we're the "rock" for everyone to cling to in tough times. But who do we cling to when we're having a tough time?

Sometimes it can seem that no one really "gets" our specific situation, or it can seem too overwhelming to try and explain it. Or it's too difficult to explain all the different aspects of our current crisis so it's easier to not say anything.

And do we rush out to ask for help? No of course not. We're strong women - we think we should always be able to handle anything and everything. But we are human, and it has taken the adoption of special needs kids to make me learn that it's ok to ask for help. I have had to learn though, that not everyone that I think will be supportive, actually is.

Have you ever heard "Well you wanted those kids, so what did you expect?" To me, that is incredibly insensitive and I want to scream "I still want my kids, I just need to vent about how tough it is!" Yup, it's easy to eliminate certain people that I thought would be more supportive than they turned out to be. Disappointing? Sure. But I like to think it's made me more efficient at seeking support, and it has honed my advocacy skills as well.

I'm fortunate to have friends and co-workers that I can rely on who will be there for me when I need to cry and vent. They don't need to know all the details of my current stress, but if I choose to share them, they don't sit in judgement and offer lame advice that doesn't apply. Thank goodness for all of them!

Right now, I'm heading out the door to hike up the mountain with a friend who has no concept of special needs adoption. I don't need her to be that. She gets me out doing exercise when I would rather be sitting on my butt feeling miserable. I will feel better after, and sometimes that's enough to lift my spirits and give me the strength to go back and do what I'm meant to do. Be a mom to 3 wonderful kids, and a wife to my wonderful husband. Oh yeah, and a friend/daughter/sister/employee.

MCFD Changes to Post Adoption Assistance

2010-03-01T15:56:00.000-08:00

Yes, the rumors are true. MCFD has changed the process for families that will be accessing the PAA funding after April 1, 2010. Here's the link to check out all the details...

http://bcadoption.com/site_page.asp?pageid=42

"Has he started his new medication yet?"

2010-02-23T14:57:00.000-08:00

That was the note in my son's planner yesterday from his teacher. This question will be added to my never-ending list of "Things I never thought I would be asked."

Such is life with a child (or two) with a diagnosis of ADHD. Each of two of my kids has a different version of ADHD. One has the typical "hyper" characteristics of ADHD. The other one has the "sneaky" characteristics of ADHD.

Once the meds start wearing off, usually around 3:30 or so, my son has great difficulty sitting still. He has to read for 20 minutes each day so I have him eat his afterschool snack while he's reading in hopes to get in on the tail end of the meds. By the time he actually gets his snack organized, finds his book, has hugged me a zillion times, told me all about how he learned to flip his friends over his shoulder at school, yada yada yada, he will finally sit down at the table across from me to do his reading. But does he sit up properly and read his book? Of course not. He slides down the chair, rocks back on it, lies across several chairs at once, gets up to check the timer, lies/sits upside down to read his book...you get the idea. And all this in 20 minutes.

My ADHD daughter however, will sit quietly and one would think she is working hard on her spelling assignment. It seems as if she's reading in the workbook, then writing things down in her duotang. But all the while she's pretending. She's very good at it. Obviously her meds wear off as well, but never consistently. Some days she can focus for most of the evening, and other days it's as if the meds aren't there at all. However she does focus well on little tiny things such as pulling a loose thread on her hoodie until the whole thing starts unravelling. Or finding a pair of scissors in her desk at school and cutting perfect little cuts into her clothes. And she has no recollection of these events. Some may call that lying, but I swear she could pass a polygraph exam. She is totally unaware of her behaviors at times. This has improved with age, and higher doses of meds, and she can now acknowledge that it could only be her that has done these things. That is a HUGE improvement. She struggles socially at school and I think that drains her of all energy. At least at home she doesn't have to pretend and try so hard to fit in. She must be exhausted after a day in a typical school classroom.

But I must stop blogging now and set the timer for my son's reading. Yes, it's 4:10 pm and he's been home since 2:55 pm. Welcome to my world.

Party 'til you puke!

2010-02-23T11:47:00.000-08:00

No kids' birthday party is complete unless someone gets sick. And my youngest granddaughter didn't disappoint last night.

Little Eve turned one yesterday, and just before we were to sit down to dinner she decided to hurl all over my husband, (his precious Canucks jersey!), the blankets, the floor, herself, the cat...And it was a doozy! So disgusting. And her Dad has just walked in the door in time to see the performance. What a show!

When their first daughter, Nevaeh was born 4 1/2 years ago, Mike would dry heave just at the thought of changing a wet diaper. Literally dry heave. But he has come so far - I'm so impressed. He was there cleaning up the floor, taking all the smelly disgusting laundry down to the washer (and actually putting it in washer and starting the load!). The transformation for him has been amazing.

Our kids do that to us. Things we never thought we would be able to do, we manage to do for our children. Before my first daughter was born, I had never changed a poopy diaper in my life. Yes, even as a teenager who babysat tons of kids, I never had the "joy" of changing a poopy diaper. Yet when I first held my daughter at 5 days old, and I discovered all kinds of weird things that can come out of many different places on a baby, and it never ever bothered me.

Something else I never thought I could do was to be such a strong advocate for my kids. I always was the one in the back of the room hoping no one would notice me. That changes dramatically when we adopted a child of colour. No more blending in with the crowd of white parents with white kids who resemble each other. Especially in our small community we stood out. We had the "luxury" of adopting an infant and the time to get used to all of the looks, stares, comments, etc. before she was aware of what was happening.

I always knew I would do whatever it takes for my children, but as with all parenting, you never really know what is required of you until you're in the middle of it. "Whatever it takes" sounds easy when you're not yet a parent who has had to go through the years of infertility, waiting, getting permission from strangers to become a parent, etc. (You know - "you did it the easy way you adopted") Something about this process makes us adoptive parents even more determined than your average parent to not let anyone or anything stand between us and getting what our kids need. Don't get in our way, cause we'll take you DOWN!

And we will.

New Support Group - follow up

2010-02-19T07:45:00.000-08:00

More thoughts on group identity...

2010-02-16T15:58:00.000-08:00

Randomly I came across another article about conformity and how the pressure to conform affects everyone, and especially when it comes to forming into groups and starting to discriminate against others.

Understanding when we conform has all kinds of practical real-world benefits, depending on your aims: it can help you understand your own behaviour as well as understand how others will behave under a variety of different situational pressures.

Here are some of the factors that influence conformity (from www.spring.org.uk)

One of the most important factors affecting whether or not people conform is the size of the group around them. Maximum conformity is seen when groups reach between 3and 5 people. Add more people and it makes little difference, less than 3, though, and conformity is substantially reduced.

As soon as there's someone who disagrees, or even just dithers or can't decide, conformity is reduced.

One dastardly emotional technique for increasing conformity is using fear-then-relief. Make someone afraid of something, then relieve that fear, then they're more likely to do what you want.

Some people have more of a 'need for structure' and consequently are more likely to conform.

Some people have a greater need for liking from others so are more likely to conform.

When faced with an authority figure mere conformity can be transformed into obedience.

Hmmmm, very interesting. Especially in the context of discrimination and prejudice based on race. All these factors are definitely in play when I think about the KKK, Hitler, the Rwanda genocide, the sixties scoop of Aboriginal children...

And I suppose not everyone uses these factors for evil...but the leaders of the above mentioned groups, and many more, certainly do.

Any thoughts?

New Support Group

2010-02-16T07:42:00.001-08:00

Yes, I've decided to start a new support group - just until the Olympics are over. It's for spouses of people addicted to watching the Olympics.

I will be the first member. My husband could watch the Olys all day long and not move from his chair unless it was to visit the washroom or to get food. Of course he is also the man who can sit through Hockey Night in Canada on Saturday nights which consists of 2 games for at least a total of 5 hours. And let's not forget that the household must stop whatever they are doing for 5 minutes of silence while Don Cherry speaks at the first intermission.

Now I'll admit I like watching the Olympics too. For short periods of time. Like when one of our local Olympians was competeing in the moguls on Saturday night. But hey, I can multitask. For me it's not an all or nothing thing. I can get up and do things and come back and watch parts of it, go do something else, return and watch. You get the idea.

I loved watching the openning ceremonies and I forbid anyone in the room to comment on how much this event was costing all of us while so many people were starving and without a warm place to sleep. But even watching that for 3 hours was a challenge for me.

Two of the kids were mad because I wouldn't take them to their elementary school Valentine's Dance instead of watching the ceremonies. For the record I have taken them to 6, yes 6, Valentine Dances at their school and the only thing that changes year after year is that the little kids get bigger. The boys spend the evening running around the gym chasing each other. The girls practice their dance moves. The kids consume massive quantities of treats while the parents are left with the veggies. The girls end up chasing the boys around the gym and into the change rooms. There's always loud music (do I sound like I'm getting old?) and the usual silent auction items and raffles to raise money for the PAC.

So this year I decided I would do what I wanted which was to watch the Olympics. But as the night went on and their ADHD meds wore off, I was beginning to question my choice. My son couldn't sit still if his life depended on it. My middle daughter was constantly checking the clock to see if it was snack time yet. And my older daughter had to sing along with all the songs and give her critique on the hair, the clothes, etc. throughout the performances. Another typical family night. Definitely still better than the Valentine's Dance.

Anyways, we've now had what, 5 days of Olympics? And still my husband is obsessed with flipping between the networks to see which event is being covered on which station, not wanting to miss anything. And Team Canada hasn't even played in men's hockey yet! We have to drag him away to join us at the dinner table.

Is anyone with me??

"We Are More" by Shane Koyczan

2010-02-15T11:07:00.000-08:00

We Are More by Shane Koyczan

When defining Canada

you might list some statistics

you might mention our tallest building

or biggest lake

you might shake a tree in the fall

and call a red leaf Canada

you might rattle off some celebrities

might mention Buffy Sainte-Marie

might even mention the fact that we've got a few

Barenaked Ladies

or that we made these crazy things

like zippers

electric cars

and washing machines

when defining Canada

it seems the world's anthem has been

" been there done that"

and maybe that's where we used to be at

it's true

we've done and we've been

we've seen

all the great themes get swallowed up by the machine

and turned into theme parks

but when defining Canada

don't forget to mention that we have set sparks

we are not just fishing stories

about the one that got away

we do more than sit around and say "eh?"

and yes

we are the home of the Rocket and the Great One

who inspired little number nines

and little number ninety-nines

but we're more than just hockey and fishing lines

off of the rocky coast of the Maritimes

and some say what defines us

is something as simple as please and thank you

and as for you're welcome

well we say that too

but we are more

than genteel or civilized

we are an idea in the process

of being realized

we are young

we are cultures strung together

then woven into a tapestry

and the design

is what makes us more

than the sum total of our history

we are an experiment going right for a change

with influences that range from a to zed

and yes we say zed instead of zee

we are the colours of Chinatown and the coffee of Little Italy

we dream so big that there are those

who would call our ambition an industry

because we are more than sticky maple syrup and clean snow

we do more than grow wheat and brew beer

we are vineyards of good year after good year

we reforest what we clear

because we believe in generations beyond our own

knowing now that so many of us

have grown past what used to be

we can stand here today

filled with all the hope people have

when they say things like "someday"

someday we'll be great

someday we'll be this

or that

someday we'll be at a point

when someday was yesterday

and all of our aspirations will pay the way

for those who on that day

look towards tomorrow

and still they say someday

we will reach the goals we set

and we will get interest on our inspiration

because we are more than a nation of whale watchers and lumberjacks

more than backpacks and hiking trails

we are hammers and nails building bridges

towards those who are willing to walk across

we are the lost-and-found for all those who might find themselves at a loss

we are not the see-through gloss or glamour

of those who clamour for the failings of others

we are fathers brothers sisters and mothers

uncles and nephews aunts and nieces

we are cousins

we are found missing puzzle pieces

we are families with room at the table for newcomers

we are more than summers and winters

more than on and off seasons

we are the reasons people have for wanting to stay

because we are more than what we say or do

we live to get past what we go through

and learn who we are

we are students

students who study the studiousness of studying

so we know what as well as why

we don't have all the answers

but we try

and the effort is what makes us more

we don't all know what it is in life we're looking for

so keep exploring

go far and wide

or go inside but go deep

go deep

as if James Cameron was filming a sequel to The Abyss

and suddenly there was this location scout

trying to figure some way out

to get inside you

because you've been through hell and high water

and you went deep

keep exploring

because we are more

than a laundry list of things to do and places to see

we are more than hills to ski

or countryside ponds to skate

we are the abandoned hesitation of all those who can't wait

we are first-rate greasy-spoon diners and healthy-living cafes

a country that is all the ways you choose to live

a land that can give you variety

because we are choices

we are millions upon millions of voices shouting

" keep exploring... we are more"

we are the surprise the world has in store for you

it's true

Canada is the "what" in "what's new?"

so don't say "been there done that"

unless you've sat on the sidewalk

while chalk artists draw still lifes

on the concrete of a kid in the street

beatboxing to Neil Young for fun

don't say you've been there done that

unless you've been here doing it

let this country be your first-aid kit

for all the times you get sick of the same old same old

let us be the story told to your friends

and when that story ends

leave chapters for the next time you'll come back

next time pack for all the things

you didn't pack for the first time

but don't let your luggage define your travels

each life unravels differently

and experiences are what make up

the colours of our tapestry

we are the true north

strong and free

and what's more

is that we didn't just say it

we made it be.

Read more: http://www.timescolonist.com/news/More+Transcript+opening+ceremony+poem+Shane+Koyczan/2558526/story.html#ixzz0fdJjS70h

Frame of reference - stereotyping

2010-02-11T08:43:00.000-08:00

If you've been able to attend our AFABC workshop called "Building Skills for Transracial Adoptive Parenting" you may recall at the beginning of session two we start off with a discussion of "Frame of reference" which always confuses the participants until we explain what we mean.

"Each of us has a frame of reference, a window through which we view and interact with the world. Generally, until human beings have the opportunity to learn otherwise, they assume that other people look at the world just as they do, i.e. everyone has similar values and everyone is motivated for the same reasons.

Some of us come from groups that we are told from day one we are different, eg; you are Black/First Nations/Indian/Asian/ Female/Disabled etc. Others come from groups that are taken for granted, so that they do not see themselves as members of the group or how deeply influenced they are by it. For example, being white, being male, being middle class. These elements and many more help to form our values."

By this point in the discussion the participants are starting to understand the concept, and can identify some of the groups to which they unknowingly belong, such as being a middle child, where they were born, what their religious beliefs are, etc.

So when I recently read an article on Social Identity Theory and why groups and prejudices form so easily, I thought it would be interesting to pass along.

Social identity theory states that our identities are formed through the groups to which we belong. As a result we are motivated to improve the image and status of our own group in comparison with others. Here's a classic social psychology experiment shows how little excuse people need to form into groups and start discriminating against others.

Participants, who were 14 and 15 year-old boys, were brought into the lab and shown slides of paintings by Klee and Kandinsky. They were told their preferences for the paintings would determine which of two groups they would join.

Of course, this was a lie designed to set up the idea of 'us' and 'them' in their minds. The experimenters wanted two groups of boys with not the faintest idea who was also in their own group or what the grouping meant or what they had to lose or gain.

After this setup, the boys were taken to a cubicle, one at a time. Each was then asked to distribute virtual money to the other members of both groups. The only information they had about who they were giving it to was a code number for each boy and that boy's group membership.

There were a series of rules for the distribution of the money that were designed to tease out who the boys favoured: their own group or the other group. The rules were changed slightly in different trials so that it was possible to test a number of theories. Did the boys distribute the money:

■Fairly?
■To obtain maximum joint profit?
■For maximum ingroup (own group) profit?
■For maximum difference between groups?
■Using favouritism? This involves a combination of maximum ingroup profit and maximum difference?

Startling findings
From the way the virtual money was distributed, the boys did indeed demonstrate the classic behavioural markers of group membership: they favoured their own group over the other.

Remember, the boys had no idea who was in their group 'with them' or who was in the other group. But, the most puzzling aspect of this experiment is that the boys had nothing whatsoever to gain from favouring their own group - there didn't seem to be anything riding on their decisions.

Out in the real world there's a good reason to favour your own group - normally it is also advantageous to yourself. You protect yourself by protecting others like you.

Seen in the light of social identity theory, the boys in the experiment do have a reason to be selfish about the allocation of the virtual cash. It is all about boosting their own identities through making their own group look better.

Criticisms
There are two criticisms often levelled at this experiment and its interpretation:

1.The participant's behaviour can be explained by simple economic self-interest. But: in another experiment only symbols were used rather than 'virtual' money and the results were the same.
2.The participants were responding to what they thought the experimenters wanted (psychologists call this 'demand characteristics'). But: it is unclear to the participants what the experimenters wanted. Recall that the rules for distributing money frequently changed. Also, the participants were encouraged to think that choosing whose paintings they liked (the 'first' experiment) was unrelated to the allocation of virtual money (the 'second' experiment).

This experiment shows that group membership is so important to us that we join the most ephemeral of groups with only the slightest prompting. We will then go out of our way to make our own group look better compared to others.

The simple fact of how important group membership is to us, and how easily we join groups, often without realising it, is both a subtle and profound observation about human nature.

From: www.spring.org.uk

"Newborns Don’t Bond Immediately with their Mothers"

2010-02-10T09:00:00.000-08:00

I found this article on a UK website and of course I thought of it in regards to adoption. (www.spring.org.uk)

"A misconception often entertained by rookie psychology students is that babies develop a very quick psychological connection to their mothers, perhaps within hours or days of birth.

The reality is, though, that babies don't have much of a clue what's going on right after birth. Although mother (and father) are likely to very quickly form close attachments to their offspring, from the baby's perspective it takes longer, much longer.

In fact it usually takes infants until they're about 2 or 3 months old before they show a strong preference for a particular caregiver. While a baby is primed for social interaction soon after birth, its abilities are pretty limited. Here's the timeline (from Simpson, 1999):

■After 16 hours babies prefer the sound of human language to other noises (at least they start making rhythmic body movements which psychologists assume means they're excited). But they don't show any preference for particular voices.
■After 2 days babies can tell the difference between their mothers' faces and that of a stranger, but they still appear to show no preference.
■After 3 days babies clearly prefer human voices, especially their mother's.
■After 3-5 weeks babies become especially interested in faces, and particularly in their mother's eyes.

Overall, though, the preference for the mother (or other caregiver) is usually fairly weak at first. Real communication from the baby's perspective probably doesn't begin until they're about 3 or 4 months old. At around that time they start to initiate social contact with their mothers. Only between about 3 and 7 months of age do babies start to show a strong preference for members of their own family.

Roots of the misconception
This misconception that babies become attached to their mothers very quickly may stem from the study of other animals. Famously ducks and geese will 'imprint on' and follow around the first thing they see after they hatch. Konrad Lorenz, a pioneer in ethology (animal psychology) found that newly born geese would imprint on him, then try to follow him everywhere, as though he were their mother.

Babies are much more fickle and probably wouldn't follow you anywhere, even if they could.

...this so-called critical period turns out not to be that critical at all.The misconception might also stem from a confusion with research from the 1970s that found there was a critical 'sensitive period' shortly after birth that was particularly important for bonding between mother and baby. Again, this research refers to the mother's bonding with the baby and not vica versa. Also, as later researchers have pointed out, this so-called critical period turns out not to be that critical at all.

What do you think?